wha?

i am not at all ashamed that i slowed down so very much while turning the corner into my mom's neighborhood solely in order to check out the dude that was mowing the lawn... he was seeeeeexy.... locks, caramel skin, kinda muscly but not hard cut muscles (i don't like all that)... and his face was so cute...

back to reality... my friend is just like me... he has so much potential but lets fear of possibly not getting something right hold him back... so we do stuff like talk about how we need to 'research' and 'check out' stuff before we jump into it...but i know it's all a b.s. procrastination method... i really have to get on the ball before i end up giving up all together.

10 things

10 things i've realized:

1. i don't sleep nearly enough... it makes me do things like repeat myself when i'm speaking, drop stuff, break things, and repeat myself.
2. guys loooove long hair on Black girls...
3. i can no longer trust the judges on Project runway to make sound decisions on whom to eliminate.
4. i have a baaaaaad thing for musicians (this is not new news but it could always be reiterated)
5. i am brilliant at procrastinating... especially with packing... and finding a new place to live... (anybody know of any free apartments?)
6. i looooove babies and forget everything that i'm doing when there's one in the viscinity
7. babies love me cuz they ALWAYS start smiling when they get a glimpse of me... it's either that they detect the joy in my eyes... or i make them gassy
8. i like being liked
9. musicians are horribly undependable
10. i don't sleep nearly enough....

so.....

so the ‘what’s wrong with you’ look has turned into a ‘look at me’ sort of look… like… ‘i’m cool and nonchalant… and i’m staring at you to keep your attention…’ sort of look… and i can’t help it… when i get that look (unless it’s from someone completely repulsive) i have to respond accordingly… with the direct look and casual verbal reply, followed by semi-sleepy eyes and flirty yet innocent smile… oh! and the wave… it’s nothing without the wave… anyways… i’m not at all interested… he’s way young (of course) and much much too skinny (it’s nearly impossible for me to find skinny dudes attractive)… but he’s pretty cool… and flirting is fun.

my friend is getting married tomorrow at my church… i can’t go because i’m gonna be at work… i’m beginning to remember now why i hated working on weekends so much… but oh well… money is money…..

on a very good note, i have 2 more classes (not courses) left and then i’m absolutely officially done!! i’m still not walking… but i still want my party! ahem… chi… ahem… ahem.......

i keep waiting for God to ruin my life... like one day i’ll wake up in a horrible depression wanting to kill myself for all the pain i’m in... or i’ll look around me one day and realize that i’ve lost everything or haven’t accomplished anything with my gifts... i keep waiting to go completely broke so that my life can no longer be comfortably sustained... see...

i need God to ruin my life... so He can prove to me He’s real...

i’ve believed that trusting in God to take care of me will keep me... i’ve believed that if i pray regularly and fast when necessary, that i’ll accomplish much... i’ve believed that if i give 10 percent of my wages to God, that i’ll always have what i need, and otherwise, i would lose everything... i’ve believed that the more i learn the Word of God, the less confused about life i’d become...

unfortunately, in this current phase of doubt and skepticism... in my not depending on Him... in my not praying or making conscious effort to set time aside to communicate with God... in my not tithing... in my never studying the Bible... i’ve found, unfortunately, that my life continues to be sustained...

i can’t imagine why God isn’t tearing my life to pieces... especially since i so fervently long for Him to show Himself, His ways, my former stalwart beliefs to be real and true... i want Him to prove that life falls apart without Him... because though i doubt much... i really truly WANT to believe... i’m like... standing on His porch right outside of His door just waiting for the first inkling of a storm... the first drop on my head... the first warm rumble of thunder... anything... anything to give me an excuse to ring the doorbell......


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so i went to church yesterday... i could pick apart all the stuff that i had issues with, and all the things that i found kinda fake and insincere, but the truth is... i think there were probably enough good things to warrant my not being cynical and tearing it apart... i was fairly comfortable on sunday... more than usual... except that i had to leave all early cuz i had to get to work... it was funny... once i left early service, i saw that my friend, who also attends the church, was calling me... i didn't check the message until later tho... she was sincerely asking me to come to second service with her that day... it was sweet that she cares so much about me... but it kinda pissed me off that its the third week in a row that i've told her i work during the second service... she does the same thing on saturdays too!

so yeah... i pressed my hair saturday night... i would have gone to get it done, but i usually get charged extra since i have soooo much... it's really long too...

so something happens to guys when i press my hair... like, my coworker, who usually spends much of the day half yelling at me and making me feel stupid, was extra calm and kinda sweet yesterday... wieeeeerd... and another one commented on how cool my hair was every time he saw me that day... it's like my straightened hair has super powers... i'm curious to see how this story develops...

okay, so the reason that i am the absolute worst at updating my blog is cuz i don't have internet at home...

and then i'm hardly ever on the school campus seeing as how i've graduated!!!

well... practically graduated... i still have to finish my p.e. class... but i just show up to play tennis 4 more times and i as good as have a degree!

i got a new job... in a cafe... i love it! i love my coworkers... as different as their personalities are, i love them all... i love the interaction with people... even if it is just to take orders... i even love washing the dishes...

i think something's wrong with me... my mom always thought so... i have no drive to make large amounts of money... as long as i'm just making it, then i'm okay... i'm so low maintenance, if i were a building... you wouldn't even need a landlord... *man! i'm so corny!*

so life in educational and fiscal respects is okay... spiritual is another story... somewhere deep inside of me i feel like i need to get myself together seeing as how i still def plan on going to seminary next fall... but who knows when... my friends whom i've told about my problem don't even want to mention it cuz it's too much for them... and i totally understand cuz i can barely stand it myself...

i wonder if this is how my mother's contempt for God grew... i wonder if i'm doomed to the same fate... nothing is really trying to turn it around........

i'd pray... but..... come on.......

i am so exhausted i don’t know what to do... i have a tendency to clog my schedule with activities all at one period in time... it’s rehearsal until 11... then it’s choir rehearsal until 12... then laundry until 1... the next day recording studio until 11 30/ slumber party until 5?... then the next day it’s dance rehearsal from 6 30 to 9 30... then it’s studio again... tomorrow i have to dance at both services starting with 6 am sunrise... i don’t know if i can make it... no, i will... but then i have something else on tuesday... i guess i’ll be knocked out all of monday then...

anyways... i'm dreading going home on sunday... i know my mom is pissed at me and i just hope if i stay in my book, that she won’t have too much to say...

on another note... i am actually really looking forward to easter sunday sermon... palm sunday was AWESOME... the message was so good and 4 people went up to get saved or rededicate their lives... it was so beautiful... shocking however, considering that the subject of the sermon was ‘Jesus needs your ass’... the scripture reference was matthew 21:1-3... see if you can figure that one out...

who will go?

so i've started studying again... i was afraid that i'd forgotten everything, but i'm surprised by how much i remember... anyways, i plan to get some commentaries and other Bible suplements from different sources so that i can get a full historican and contextual view of what i'm reading...

i have so much going on... i should be able to graduate (walk) in the summer time... and then i'll have my diploma and i'll be off to the real world... i've been looking into some jobs and my mom just told me about an internship program... interfaith? something or other...

i've also got to figure out what i'm goin to do about my group... it seems we've been in high demand since the very beginning... we've sung so many places so many times and now we're actually in a studio and about to do a concert... i'll have to give details later... i just worry about losing focus... i want the main goal to always stay in the front... that we're together to minister... to grow close to God and eachother and to manifest the products of our growth through song... we're 'bout to go on a serious fast y'all...

but back to academics... it seems like i'm looking to do everything but apply to school... why? why come so far and just stop trying? i think i'm scared... i KNOW i'm scared... to move away from everyone and everything... i've never been super independant, so to just pick up and go is hard for me to fathom...

prayerfully... hopefully... everything will be okay...