today’s the day before thanksgiving... most folks are already home... but i had class! oh well... it was only one... i just hope the traffic isn’t too bad...

i’m looking forward to going home only because i think i’ll be able to focus better there... i have a ton of schoolwork, to catch up on and it’s hard to manage with an old crusty computer with no internet... what happened to the good old days of books and pencils?

on the other hand, i’m not really looking forward to going home because i don’t want to answer any questions... ‘what grad schools have you found?’, my mom will ask... ‘i’m not really going to grad school, ma’..... and then the heavens open up and pour out fire and brimstone while swarms of locusts blacken out the sky.......

anyways... last night was choir rehearsal again... it was fun, despite my mood and lack of energy... singing actually exhausted me... i mean, what now?! i feel like i have pneumonia... and i CRIED! in front of EVERYBODY! i don’t know... my best friends have only sseen me cry once and here i am crying in front of folks whose names i don’t even know... (i still love them tho), but geez! life is just making me too tired for words... but thank God for it anyway...

day off

God gave me the day off yesterday... no class ( i had an exam), no work, no bible study (except my personal study), no choir rehearsal, no driving excessively, no contact with people, no nothing... the only cost... HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN! “food poisoning” my mom said... i guess, but i don’t know from what... all i’ve really eaten lately has come straight from a package. salad from a bag, hot pockets from a box, water from a bottle... they’ve never made me sick before and there hasn’t been any type of massive ‘hot pocket recall’... oh well... so i spent the whole day slowly feeding myself water since the earlier part of the day was spent throwing it up... that’s right... just water... when i went to clean out my vomit bucket (sorry for the gory details), it was all water... how’s my body going to reject water?... i imagine my stomach so twisted that it closed completely... even to water...

so in His omniscience, He was probably just like, ‘girl, you’re going to fail this exam... i need to give you an extra day or two... but it can’t be easy for you because you should have studied’... fine God, i appreciate Your second chances and Your special brand of humor and justice... now if you’ll just grant me one more favor and make a way for a make up exam...

oh yeah, tonight's bible study with the crew... it's led by my friend, c whose been to seminary... his picture is actually on the webpage of the seminary he went to... capital... he's actually the first one to suggest to me seminary... the only one actually... 'yeah right!' i thought to myself when he said it just 3 months ago... ha! so many questions for him now...

chosen

there was choir rehearsal last night... it was cool... the choir’s sound was beautiful actually... i was in the rehearsal room, but had to leave to get water... but after i left, i couldn’t go back in... i couldn’t look at anyone in their faces when i was in there before... i just kept staring at my fingers while i braided the fringed ends of my scarf..... so i just sat outside the room instead... i listened to the parts and learned the music and the words while i was out there... i also prayed... ‘why couldn’t i look in their faces?’ you might be wondering... well, i’m wondering too... no, actually it’s just because i feel so inadequate right now... powerless to help all the people around me... too irresponsible to keep my own schedule straight, too complacent to keep my academics up to par... too ‘not good enough’ to do what i desire to do... i wonder if i’m pleasing God and feel shame that i’m probably not, even though i’m trying so hard... i could be so much better...

i remembered the scripture 1 corinthians 1:27-29 for times just like this, and through my tears i recited ‘God has chosen the foolish things of this world to confound the wise and the weak things of this world to put to shame the things that are mighty... and the base thing of this world and the things which are despised, God has chosen... and the things which are not to bring to nothing the things that are... that NO flesh should glory in His presence...

if there is anyone foolish, weak, and base, it’s me... and so He’s chosen me...

what do you say to a woman who’s lost her son?

i mean... he’s not dead... but in prison... for a crime that even the judge knew he didn’t commit... how do i look at his daughter and smile, knowing that she hasn’t seen her daddy in 2 weeks and has no idea where he is, except that he’s ‘away’... and he’ll be away for at least 3 more months until the appeal...

encouragement is my gift... it kills me to see people suffer... if i’ve never met you or spoken to you before, i’ll go out of my way to help you if possible... to encourage when no one else is encouraging... to comfort when everyone else is pretending like nothing is wrong...

but what do i do now? i can’t just speak to her like i know what she’s going through... i’m in my twenties... i’ve never had a son... let alone lost one... why did God put this on my plate when i’m so powerless to help?

sick

i’m so tired today, i don’t know what’s going on with me. people keep telling me i’m warm when they touch me... but i’m freeeezing. i don’t know... i don’t feel sick... just tired... what i do find amazing though, is how much my countenance affects others... they keep saying, ‘awwww! i’m not used to seeing you like this!’ because usually i’m all smiles –
them: hey girl, you must be happy today!
me: no, i’m really mad.
them: but you’re smiling.
me: 'cause i always smile... this is my angry smile.
or i'm bouncing off the walls and encouraging others to do the same.

however today, i don’t know... i’m probably just a little stressed... i have SOOO much to do... and so many people depending on me right now... between work, church, outside ministries, bible studies, extra rehearsals for three different choirs, and performances for them, i don’t know exactly how to handle them all... but i would gladly exhaust myself with all these things, however, i seem to keep forgetting one very important thing... i’m still in school! i still have classes and homework and lab and exams (one tomorrow in fact), and i’m so behind on all of it. how do i catch up? can i catch up? i can’t afford to fail another class... it’s shameful how i can be so excellent in so many things (not my words) and just be horrible in school... (i have theories about that one that i’ll explain later though)

oh well... i just have to really buckle down and pray that God will help me get through it all... and i mean ALL of it... and it’s a lot too...

oh well, back to seminary research... and then twenty other things...

i know

i know that his is not going to be easy... what happened to me though? last week i was so excited! i guess i just didn't expect it to be so hard right off the bat... oh well, it doesn't matter that i'm taking incredible risk to do this thing... i was called... for once God made something perfectly clear, so that's it... i have to do it... i'm going to do it... whether i see a way yet or not.

p.s. lately i've been freaking out just saying the word... 'seminary'... yikes! what's that about?

what have i claimed?

so i want to go to seminary for music... but it's sooooo hard... it's not like i can go to the career development center at my school and say, 'hey! i want to go to seminary. what can you tell me about it?'

i mean i could if i wanted to, but since the answer to my question would surely be, 'nothing' *followed by a blank stare * , it would just be a waste of time... i mean, i could be researching on my own... or eating popcorn *not that that would help, but it might make me feel better about this.

not that i feel bad... i really want this... it's just so overwhelming... i mean, i was called to this thing, and i want what God wants but... o my gosh!

do you have any idea how many denominations there are! there are like 17 different types of baptists... free baptist, independant baptist, reformed baptist, unspecified baptist *ha! * ... it's CRAZY! so i have to research doctrine now...

and the academic requirements! i don't know... most only require a 2.5... but i don't know if i'll have that... my whole undergraduate career has been me failing in every major that i've chosen... finally teaching me that my calling is not to science, no matter how much i try... but it's to music... but i can't fit that sentence on the little line for GPA on the application. what to do?
THEN... it's hard enough to find a seminary that offers music... and the type of music that i'll want to learn... and that doesn't require previous music... seminary really is like grad school... i just don't see it...

every time i start to research, i get so nervous; literally shaking... like 'what if it doesn't work out? how is this gonna work out? i can't find a place for me- what am i gonna do?' right now, i can't see any other option for me... there's nothing else that i want to do... oh yeah... and i was called. how 'bout that...oh well... i know a way will be made.