can somebody tell me what an 'x-mas' is?

so it's what? 3 days before christmas and i've bought... ummm... let me count... oh yeah, 0 gifts... the only consolation i have is knowing that i am certainly not the only one out there who'll probably wait until christmas eve to buy gifts... and that i did the same thing last year.....

so you're wondering why i'm highlighting the christ in christmas... at bible study on friday, lani said that when her mom was a teacher, she couldn't put up a banner that said merry christmas unless she removed the 't'.....

i had a muslim roommate a couple of years ago... i wasn't offended when she covered her head in respect to allah... i wasn't offended when she got up early to eat during ramadan... i wasn't offended when she spoke of the qu'ran... why are we so offended by 'christ' in the middle of a word?

and furthermore... how can you remove christ from christmas? what else is christmas about?

what's next? forbid jewish boys from wearing yarmulkes? ban crosses around the neck? is it really that offensive?

i refuse to go crazy (or crazier)

i think i’m getting over my huge crush on my old friend that i barely know… come and gone as quickly as the overflow of love and goodwill after 9/11 (really tho, what happened to that?)… i don’t know… i guess it was just one of those things…

so i was talking to my friend today about how we’ll get so distraught over work that we haven’t done, but rather than work on it, go do something else and remain distraught… well THIS MUST END! cuz with me… i either worry and worry and don’t do anything… or i don’t do anything and become super-complacent (so that i don’t worry)…

neither of those are really good options, so even though passing my classes and getting this paper done seems impossible… i’m still gonna work and i’m not gonna give up, because you never know…..

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING!
‘if she’s supposed to be working and not wasting time… why is she blogging?’

well i have a very good explanation for that…… i really do…..you’re gonna kick yourself when you hear how good and explanation it is….. it really justifies everything….. and i’d be so glad to explain… if i didn’t have work to do, peace!

oh and before i forget again, happy b-day chris!

almost done

i’m supposed to go to lunch with joy today… she’s gonna help me with some seminary stuff… i don’t know what to say to her though… i’ve only done really basic preliminary searches online… based on the amount of work that i’ve done so far, you wouldn’t think i was serious about this….

i am serious though, but i’m beginning to wonder if i’m ready… i actually really don’t think i am… i mean the desire is definitely there, but i’m such a frazzled mess right now…

last night was bible study… everybody in that piece knows about me and my struggles with school… but one really understands… she said to me, ‘you sound like me when i was in school… it took me 6 and a half or 7 years to finish… you just need to focus’… do you hear that? you just need to focus… she’s absolutely right… right now i can’t organize my time, money, room, or vehicle, i’m not controlling what i eat and spend… it’s like i all of a sudden turned into a reckless….. wreck!

on a good note, i’m selling some of my art… i have my friend, lani on a payment plan… 900$ for 9 original 5x6 pieces… you should have seen her! she was so excited, she looked like she was about to burst open… like a small child about to meet a powerpuff girl or sumthin ... or better yet, like the women on oprah’s giveaway show! (i don’t really watch oprah, but i was at my girl’s house when she was watching… i mean, 4 real oprah? you’re giving away washer/ dryers? 4 real? can i get sumthin too? i'm sayin... this year's giveaway show was for teachers... how about reserving next year's show for students like me who keep teachers in business?)

alright, well i better get back to work… i have technically 2 papers to write: one is the 10-page final due on the 20th (i still have to finish reading one book for that and the other book that i haven’t started, i ordered a few days ago but have yet to receive… i don’t know what to do)… the other is the midterm that i never did, that was due on the 27th of October… i think i’ll just do the final and pray that i get a ‘c’… i’ll do both if i have time… and if i don’t pass out soon…..

oh yeah... i really wanna give you guys the website of the guy that i'm so in love with, but i just know one of you fools is gonna end up sending him a message like this :

'dear ____, there's this girl with this blog who is so in love with you... here's the address of her blog so you can go and read all her business...'

i know y'all are just waiting for the chance... especially you, chi! *squinting my eyes with suspicion and raising my fist to the comp screen* well i'm not gonna do it...

but 4 real, i'm not like 'i'm-going-on-jenny-jones-to-confess-my-6-year-long-addiction-with-you-and-i-was-hoping-that-now-that-you-know-you-could-drop-everything-and-marry-me-NOW!' in love with him... i actually rarely thought about him in the past 6 years and even more rarely thought of him in highschool... but he was really cool (for what i knew of him) and i was so envious and amazed by his talent... i think i just kinda wish i'd talked to him more and now i really wanna find out what's up with him... oh well... i'mtooscaredsoisuck, whatever!

i think i have an eating disorder

i think i have an eating disorder... no really... like when i get stressed and stay up late to study, the amounts of caffeine and sugary things that i consume is SICK... and it’s like, uncontrollable... it’s like, ‘you must eat lest your consciousness leak out of your ears like the near constant stream of water out of my apartment's bathroom tub that causes my water bill to be unecessarily high, and... *where was i?* oh yeah... and i fall asleep and don’t finish studying'... but i know it’s not true... and i’ll be sitting there, so full that my tummy sticks out so far that it looks like a giant pimple attached to my stomach area, and still pondering how much more i might be able to stuff into myself if i allow for just the right amount of digestion time, and maybe throw in some water or sumthin... i don’t know... it all ends once the semester is over... must be the stress... hence the common trend:

returning to my family from the sememster – ‘gee... you gained so much weight’
returning to school from the end of break – ‘gee... you lost a lot of weight...’

oh well, either way... at least i don’t pick my nose

omigosh, i am so in love with this boy... he is just soooooo cute i don’t know what to do... it’s clearly just some weird crush tho, cuz i really haven’t seen him or spoken to him in 5 years *consarnit!*...

but i have his screenname!... but i don’t want to send him a message... but he’s actually on aim and he hasn’t been in like 3 years and neither have i and what are the chances that we’ll ever be on at the same time again?... but he prolly doesn’t remember me... but he’s so talented to... but what would i say?... and he left his homepage address on his away message and i looked at it and there were pictures of him and his paintings *which are amazing!* and omigosh, i used to say that the only thing that this brother would need to make me get all happy like a schoolgirl when i saw him was some facial hair on his beautiful yellow face and of course! he has a lovely scruffy little beard thing happenin’ and i think i want to cry... but oh well... i need to study...

he’s prolly a jerk anyway...

guess what?

guess what i just found out?! i have a final exam tomorrow... good thing i checked, huh? meanwhile, i just came out of an exam today... i actually think that it went well... like if all my exams this semester had gone like that one, i wouldn’t even be worrying about passing... oh well... we’ll see what happens...

oh yeah... here’s my story about the zebra:
once upon a time there was a zebra named biff... his name was biff because his mother was from some eastern european country and when in her dark brand of zebra humor she decided to name her son “beef”, it sounded like “biff” and the nurse at the zebra hospital recorded “biff” as his official name... none of this mattered however, because once biff turned 18, he was going to city hall and changing his name to sly zeb funkenstein...

so anyways... one day biff went to the pier one to get some christmas gifts for his family (they have really cute candle holders)... but seeing as how pier one has lots of breakable things and since biff was a zebra that didn’t really have the capability of picking up delicate things without dropping them, he broke a bunch of stuff...

then the manager of pier one came out and was all like, ‘you break it! you buy it!’... but biff was like, ‘i can’t’... and the manager was like, ‘why not?’... and biff was like, ‘i’m a zebra... people don’t tend to give us money on account that we usually just eat it’..... well the clever manager scratched his chin and raised his eyebrow as if to smell what the rock was cookin’ while he thought up a way to remedy the situation..............



i’ll have to continue the story later, seeing as how i have a cumulative final tomorrow... and seeing as how i don’t know i should probably study... in the mean time... keep me in your prayers, whoever reads this.....

hmmmm

the concert was hot... it was lovely... there was power flowing from the beginning... up until..... well... it turned into a concert... then it became less about God and all about tye... that’s what it felt like anyway... oh well...

i don’t know what to think... i felt kind of awkward, like i didn’t belong... i was supposed to be signing for the choir, but when we got in, there was no place for me to stand... i went around asking the leaders and they all basically went, ‘i don’t care... whatever you want...’ but that’s bull... if i decided to stand directly in the middle of the choir... or stand in front of the choir and walk around, weaving in and out of the mics, they’d probably have a problem... oh well... i think they hate me now... but that doesn’t matter.

my exam friday went okay... better than it would have if i hadn’t studied... my teacher was feeling so sorry for me too... he kept coming into the test room going, ‘can i help you with anything? any questions at all? don’t you want to fill in those blank spots on your answer sheet?’ i did... i really did...

oh well... it’s over now... i still have to turn in my lab book that was due friday, and i have an exam to pass today *please God please God please God* and i’m spending my time so effectively by sitting here blogging... talk about things that make you go hmmmmm....

anyways... still debating:
-whether or not to withdraw from my afam class this sememster (i’m two books and two papers behind)
-whether or not to tell my mom about seminary... (she keeps asking about grad school... yikes!)
-whether or not to dance on sunday (i need to study, but this lady keeps begging me... i really don’t have time!)
-whether or not to take out some loans and change my undergrad major to music so i’ll be here another 3 years (about 9 total) and have to put up with an endless load of shame...
-whether or not to write this story about a zebra right now... or later today...

you mean it?

yesterday i went to the practice rooms to get on a piano (i’m working on writing a new song for gospel choir) only to find that they were all taken... in our funky school you need a 20 dollar deposit to get a key, so most of the time i just try to catch an open door... however, as i was about to leave i saw one of my music major friends who sometimes played the 'saxomophone' for us... i told him he didn’t do well to miss the concert saturday... ‘did you have any solos?’, he asked... yeah right, this chick ain’t no soloist, ‘but i did write a song’, i said... so he asked me to play it for him in the room that he was in... we left the door open... as i was playing some random white dude that i’d never seen before came and stood outside to listen... i was wondering, ‘who is this person?’, but i didn’t say anything... after i finished, he goes, ‘that’s a nice song... it sounds really good’... oh my goodness, did that ever make me feel nice... he didn’t have to say anything... i didn’t know him so he could’ve come and left without saying a word and it wouldn’t have been rude... and he wasn’t a friend so i know it wasn’t him not trying to hurt my feelings... he must’ve really meant it! this just confirms to me how much i’ve improved... three semesters ago, most of the songs i wrote consisted of just one chord... ha!... they were still good tho *straight face*... anyways, i thought that was cool...

another thing i realized... what else was supposed to happen saturday? i was supposed to meet ‘joy’, who was supposed to help me get my stuff together concerning seminary... but she didn’t call... i couldn’t have gone anyway, cuz i had a rehearsal that morning which was only supposed to be from 11 to 2, but was still going when i left at 330...

i need to stop fakin’ on this seminary thing... it’s important... but i know everything will work out... first things first... i have to pass my classes... prepare for the next concert on the 10th (big time big time!)... and work on dance ministry for my church (going away program for my beloved pastor on th 19th)... yeah... that’s enough to fill my plate...

i'm dropping out

okay i’m not really dropping out, but i really really want to… it’s hard to describe just how i feel right now… i keep missing assignments and classes just because i have so much to do, and i always prioritize outside school stuff… and when i mean to make them up, i forget completely about them… i still have yet to buy a book that should have been read a week ago! i’ve missed essays and reports… i don’t know how i’m going to make it… i mean let’s face it… i hate school… i really really hate it… i don’t think college is for me…

i didn’t intend to speak to so many people about today, but i did… one lady, having seen me direct a song that i wrote for gospel choir (oh yeah, the concert was 2 nights ago and it was bangin’!), but she asked me what my major was… i get that question all the time… i said, ‘biology… but it should be music… she said, ‘i think you have to do what you like… maybe you should switch majors.....

YEAH RIGHT! i’m in my sixth year! of undergrad! that’s ridiculous... and it’s only because i’ve been failing everything! it’s not for me… i’ve never enjoyed it (except the music)… another friend said, 'don’t give up… college is for you… what you’ve done in college is what’s wrong’

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?! another one wants me to be here forever… but if i keep failing everything i just might be… he said it well: ‘you’re just delaying your success the longer you try to run from what you’re supposed to do’… i guess… but do You really want me to change my major 1 and a half semesters away from graduation (God-willing)? i just don’t know what to do…..

maybe i should just take out some loans and do whatever i want to do… so what if i’ll be here for 9 years… there’s no shame in that *i type as i break down into tears and solemn laughter- but not really*…i say that my life is not about me… it’s about letting the world know how good and wonderful and powerful and necessary God is… and to do that in the most effective way, i need Him to guide me…

life is technically easy… it’s just a series of choices… all i have to do is in every choice, ask God what He wants me to do… and then do it… without extra thought or consideration of consequences… there’s no consequence worth forfeiting a satisfying and successful life because i didn’t want to do what God wanted… so fine… i thought You wanted my to stay with bio… maybe you do… but God, let me know if it’s changed.

history, can you not repeat yourself?

i’m here again... in ‘i hate school and would rather dig ditches for a living land’... right now i’m hating on almost everything... i’m hiding from as many people as i can... just because i don’t feel like dealing with them....

random subject change: thanksgiving was cool... we had the usual dry thanksgiving dinner with very little talking that started at 2 30 in the afternoon and was over by 4... then half of us rushed off to our second thanksgiving dinners at friends or other families houses... i went to one of my best friends houses and actually spent most of the evening there with her family and my other best friend... how drastically different our dinners were... there was music playing, talking, mandatory dancing, laughing, happiness... to sum it up: fun...

i also enjoyed talking with her little sister... she’s going through something a lot like i’ve been through... she’s understanding what it’s like for everyone around you to understand your destiny and tell you constantly, but still doubt it in yourself... it’s amazing how something can be so obvious to everyone but ourselves... probably not so much because we don’t see, but because we refuse to see... we’re too scared to see because we don’t want to imagine or have to face the consequences... unfortunately, it usually takes way too long to realize that the consequences of not following our destinies is much worse...

oh well... she’ll figure it out... we all do eventually i guess...

meanwhile, i’ve decided that my destiny for this semester is to provide a situation where God can work a fabulous miracle... more specifically: i don’t study, do my homework and reports, read my assignments, or go to class... but still pass. ‘i’m doing this for Your name’s sake, God!’ but really... please have mercy