i'm dropping out

okay i’m not really dropping out, but i really really want to… it’s hard to describe just how i feel right now… i keep missing assignments and classes just because i have so much to do, and i always prioritize outside school stuff… and when i mean to make them up, i forget completely about them… i still have yet to buy a book that should have been read a week ago! i’ve missed essays and reports… i don’t know how i’m going to make it… i mean let’s face it… i hate school… i really really hate it… i don’t think college is for me…

i didn’t intend to speak to so many people about today, but i did… one lady, having seen me direct a song that i wrote for gospel choir (oh yeah, the concert was 2 nights ago and it was bangin’!), but she asked me what my major was… i get that question all the time… i said, ‘biology… but it should be music… she said, ‘i think you have to do what you like… maybe you should switch majors.....

YEAH RIGHT! i’m in my sixth year! of undergrad! that’s ridiculous... and it’s only because i’ve been failing everything! it’s not for me… i’ve never enjoyed it (except the music)… another friend said, 'don’t give up… college is for you… what you’ve done in college is what’s wrong’

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?! another one wants me to be here forever… but if i keep failing everything i just might be… he said it well: ‘you’re just delaying your success the longer you try to run from what you’re supposed to do’… i guess… but do You really want me to change my major 1 and a half semesters away from graduation (God-willing)? i just don’t know what to do…..

maybe i should just take out some loans and do whatever i want to do… so what if i’ll be here for 9 years… there’s no shame in that *i type as i break down into tears and solemn laughter- but not really*…i say that my life is not about me… it’s about letting the world know how good and wonderful and powerful and necessary God is… and to do that in the most effective way, i need Him to guide me…

life is technically easy… it’s just a series of choices… all i have to do is in every choice, ask God what He wants me to do… and then do it… without extra thought or consideration of consequences… there’s no consequence worth forfeiting a satisfying and successful life because i didn’t want to do what God wanted… so fine… i thought You wanted my to stay with bio… maybe you do… but God, let me know if it’s changed.