oh my God.......

oh my God... oh my God....... oh my God..oh my God.........oh my God... oh my God.....oh my God................................oh my God......

so i was in my room two nights ago and the lights were out and i was in my bed about to fall asleep, when i hear this rattling sound next to me, like something falling over the vents.....

other times on occasion i found myself being awakened by a shuffling sound near my head.....

last night i actually had the pleasure of watching the mouse (oh my God..... oh my God... oh my God) crawl underneath my door into my room, run across the wall, peak out from underneath my dresser, run underneath my bookshelf, run over to the vents and then disappear..... mice are surprisingly fast because this all occurred quite quickly... but anyways... i sat on my bed and watched this in silent horror, all the while mouthing the words (you guessed it) ‘oh my God... etc.’

the thing is... i’m not so much scared of the mouse as i am scared of waking up with the mouse chewing on my ear... or finding tiny mouse terdlets in my bed... see, if it were domesticated, i would have no problem... but his mouse is rogue.....

i spent the better part of the early, early morning (3-5am) banging on things with my drum sticks and removing bags and furniture and anything else that the mouse could hide under, out of my room so i could flush him out...

confident that he was no longer in my room, i fell asleep around 5am... and woke up about 530... to watch the mouse climb down from my keyboard at the head of my bed, onto the wire that connects it to my amp... then i watched it jump to the floor near the vents and disappear...

the mouse really is cute... you could probably fit two of them in a small egg; it was so tiny... and because it’s so small, i suspect that it’s coming in from the vents... we have the old fashioned heating system like they have in public schools... except in my room, the system is detaching itself from the wall... it’s a rather large gap... large enough for a small mouse to get through... my question is, ‘why our apartment?’... it’s probably crawling through the vents searching for warmth, but we don’t use the heat because bge or somebody is scamming us and our bill is way too high... (i sleep in long johns, a t-shirt, sweater, and hoody, with a head scarf, hat, and gloves on)... i just want it out of the apartment....

i’m only in the library now cuz i don’t wanna be home...

on an incredible note... joy gave me $200 today... you can’t imagine what a blessing that was to me, cuz i definitely was not gonna be able to pay rent this month... i just told her that i needed rent and she wrote me a check... God is gonna pour out incredible blessings on her for that one... and i hope that one day, when i’m making serious bank, i’ll be able to bless her back... holla!

let it snow!

i just got out of lab... it's 9pm... i have a dumb lab report due tomorrow for a two credit introductory lab... they actually want full reports each week- with and abstract and everything all typed! DUMB! oh well... it's due tomorrow at 8am where i will begin a 4 hour lab (the lab has no chairs too, so i get to stand up the whole time) on the good side, i've learned to sleep standing up while handling dangerous lab chemicals...

but wait! did you hear that it was supposed to snow?

i mean... (and i'm aware of doing the thing where you expect snow so sincerely that you don't do the work that you know you have to do for tomorrow---or as i like to put it... i procrastinate on faith)... but yeah... that would solve so many problems for me...

meanwhile... debating whether or not i should stay in choir3... i love it... it's an honor to be there, but... i miss half of the performances and outings and retreats and stuff cuz i'm doing so much other stuff... my prayer : what do You want me to do with my time, God? what do i keep? what do i drop? let me know please... or as mil would say, 'can You return my email please?'

speaking of mil... he's a beast on the piano... i admire him so much and wish wish wish i could play like him... i feel so priviledged because he's gonna play for me at this wedding gig in april... thing is... as hard as i cise him up, he cises me up more... like, i just can't compete...

'when you drop your greatest hits cd... just let me be featured playing the triangle... i mean... i'd be honored just to do that' he says...

ridiculous... i'ma need him to realize that he's tight...

then he goes, 'wow... you must have been desperate for a pianist if you chose me... you got down to the last resort'... he's being facetious in his comments, but still... i didn't tell him i was given an oral list of potential pianists which included the dude that has the crush on me (no we haven't gone out on a 'date', chi) who is a MONSTER on the keys, but i chose mil once his name was spoken... i really think he's a beast... wish he could see it too...

oh well... spent an hour on the phone with him yesterday trying to convince him of his calling, but like i said... there's no competing...

help

water bill... late paper... early lab... rent... ticket... court appearance... lab report due... school applications... new job...

i think i'm gonna have a panic attack... no 4 real... i'm sitting up in the computer lab at school, breathing all hard and wondering why my head all of a sudden hurts like this and why my heart's beating all fast...

i need help... i need folks to pray for a sista 4 real!

so i found my tags... which is good... they were hiding in the middle of a pile of junk papers...

see, my mother has a tendency to hand me lots and lots of random papers that i don't need... she rips out articles from the newspaper about how much people make in certain proffessions, so that she can remind that i'm going to be poor since i chose not to follow in her footsteps and become a doctor... and articles about car accidents, to remind me that i can't drive...

she hands me the endless pre-approved credit card advertisements that i'm never going to go for, let alone open...

she hands me 'to-do' lists written on the back of junk mail, opened and emptied envelopes (trash), old stickless post-its, ripped off corners of paper towels, and whatever else she can find...

she hands me numbers and letters and trash and junk that i'm never going to go through because most of it i never, never use...

and yet, this one day, she decided to put one of the most important things in the middle of one of these piles... praise God i didn't just throw it all away... but now i still have to pay for the ticket...

my room is currently filled with piles and piles of the junk that she's handed because i'm afraid to throw it away, lest there be something terribly important in the middle of one of these piles, however, for some reason, it's unusually hard to get up the gumption to go through a seemingly endless pit of junk... so i guess what i'm saying is... it's all my mom's fault! i accept NO responsiblity... i've learned NOTHING from this experience... except that one woman's junk may contain another woman's treasure...

jealous of who?

‘i think she’s jealous of you...’, ash-t said to me... ‘of who?’ i asked incredulously... ‘you’, she said... ‘wait... who’s jealous of me’ i asked. though i kinda knew who she was talking about already, i asked to make sure since the scenario i envisioned didn’t make any sense to me... ‘holly’, she said...

now let’s pause for a second and think about this... I’M TRYING TO BE LIKE HOLLY! she is sooooo beast when it comes to music... her vocal and musical arrangements are the bomb; she is an excellent pianist; her voice is like... the sun bursting through a cover of gray hazy clouds onto a fresh, dew-kissed field in spring... i mean... please! why in the universe would she ever be jealous of me?... back to the convo...

‘WHY?’ i asked, genuinely confused... ash-t says, ‘i think she’s jealous of how the choir responds to you... they get more excited when they sing your stuff... more hype...’

and yes, that seems kinda true... but i figure it’s more because... i’m stupid... like, i’m REALLY silly and pop-off-the-walls energetic... of course they respond... and also, the song that the choir sings of holly’s was adapted from a solo, so the choir spends most of the song just standing there listening to her sing... so obviously they don’t seem as involved, cuz they’re NOT involved... her song is the absolute bomb though... they just haven’t seen what she can do with a choir song yet...

‘but holly is a BEAST though’, i say... ‘i know... but you’re more humble about it... people get vibes from her... like she’s good and she knows she’s good...’, ‘but she IS good’, i say...

i don’t know... i still love holly and i believe in her... i think she’s excellent in everything she does and she doesn’t strike me as phony or arrogant (though i guess i could see where people might get that vibe)... but it wouldn’t be fair for me to change my opinion of her based on other people’s vibes... so many of my best friends though i was stuck up when they first met me... until they got to know me...

i really really admire her talent... she is awesome... there are so many times when i wish that i could sing like her and i dream of the day when i might be able to play piano like her... i mean... she’s awesome... and sometimes, to be honest, it kind of hurts when we sing one of her songs and not mine... or when she gets all the amazed attention for her song and i get what i perceive to be polite attention for mine... because... i desire to be sooo great and i know that i’m not... yet... and i know that in the arena of musical skill, she surpasses me by a light year... but in the arena of the anointing of God... there’s no competition... it’s not possible to compete for anointing... and anointing has nothing to do with either of us anyway... we’re equally anointed to do just whatever God has called us for and the measure of our greatness and honor will be determined only by how fervently we follow Him... it’s not determined by how fervently compliments and flattery follow us...

to Your will, Lord... not my own

summary of the past two weeks:

new exhaust and oxygen converter: $200 (this one was actually a little earlier)

getting the keys from out of my locked car: $45

gas to drive to and from school, to and from choir3 rehearsals, to and from
dance rehearsals at church, to and from church, to and from work, and other
places that aren’t the bank: $35 dollars a week

citation for expired tags: $55

windshield repair: lots and lots of $

new tire for the van: $75

a much needed jack and lug nut wrench: i have no idea how many $

a chauffeur: priceless...

see i used to say that the first thing i would get once i get the chance, is a chauffeur... i don’t like driving... i don’t know jack about cars... i don’t like having to think about vehicle maintenance... and i especially don’t like paying for it... especially in financial times like i’m going through now...

i never thought i’d have to decide between having heat and electricity, or food to eat... i chose bge over food, and thus i’ve been living off of turkey sandwiches the past month... and charity...

but anyways... i’m tired of my vehicle... i’m so grateful to have it, but geezo pete! i can’t take this much more! and now with expired tags, i can’t get to work or dance rehearsal today... or drum lessons tomorrow... oh well, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.....

so i went to play pool the other day for my girl, chi’s b-day... it was fun!

i’ve never played before... even when i was little and i was staying with my grandparents most of the time... they had a pool table, but because no one would teach me to play (probably because i was very accident- prone as a child and they didn’t see anything good coming from me playing with a large, wooden, fustigation stick (look the word up), and... what... 16? weighted spheres of death.

anyways, i’m not as clumsy anymore... though i was still determined not to play... chi convinced me that i should try...

word to the wise : you will probably NEVER get the white ball to go where you want it to if you grasp the pool stick the same as you would grasp a snow shovel...

needless to say... i was pretty terrible... but then, T convinced my to try again, and he showed me how to hold the poolstick... it’s AMAZING how much of a difference that makes... i won... but i’m sure it was beginners luck... and geez louise, chi! she had some crucial strategy on the table... she was all pulling stuff that you only see from the hustlers on cheesy sitcoms when they have a pool match... it was great! except that the pool balls rarely went in when she did that... but it was still cool! hee hee...

saturday was busy... first was drum lessons at 10... actually, i was supposed to have a drum lesson, but the teacher didn’t come... i mean... can somebody please get that boy my number so he can call a sista! my gosh... so i stayed there until 12 and read my book for class, cuz i knew if i left, i wouldn’t get anything done... at least it was semi-quiet there...

while i was waiting, this little boy, maybe 10 years old, came in... he takes drum lessons too... he is SOOO bad... he is just into everything and all over the place... but get this! he sees me and decides to make me a cup of coffee! random! i suspect that someone had just taught him how to use the coffee machine and it gave him an excuse to mess with an electrical appliance... the coffee tasted like dirt, but i appreciate the sentiment anyhow...

upon exiting the center, this ol' dude that covers the desk tried to talk to me! and i don't mean conversate... he goes, 'are you married?' and i'm like... what?! are you serious? i say, 'no'... he goes, 'boyfriend'... i'm thinking, 'oh Lord...' i say, 'no'... he says, 'looking for one?'... i say, 'no'... 'then i'll stop trying', he says... at least he made it easy for me...

all these dudes that i don't want have been trying to talk to me lately... what's that about?

anyways, after i left i went home to eat... i was greeted by about 10 packages from different seminaries... there is so much info and so many visits and so many applications and so much this and so much that... it’s hard not to get overwhelmed sometimes, but i just remember that it’s not my decision to make... all i have to do is get the info and stay close enough to God so that when He tells me where He wants me to go... all i have to do is say, ‘yes’...

but as i was eating some chili (i was craving because of thursday night’s mishap), i got a call from my girl, o... she and a few other of my friends from her church were helping this girl’s family out by cleaning out their house... i think she gets made fun of by the other teens cuz they’re all from semi-rich families and she’s not... so i guess they decided to help out... i stopped by and helped to scrub walls with a bleach and water solution... i mistakenly began the endeavor with large straight scrubbing motions... until i was promptly corrected by ms. ron (my girl from back in the day at my school... she has been my math tutor, gospel choir buddy, roommate, advice giver, and basically good friend... i’m one the ‘kids’ to her)... ‘small, concentrated circles!!! no one listens to me!'... but i did... and it worked, so hey...

after that i went home... and prepared to do laundry when i got the call from chi about her b-day... i’m glad i went... i enjoyed myself... even though jk chided me for not calling him about saturday (i'm supposed to be helping him... as if he needed me), he gave me a ride to and from chi’s place, and gave chi and i a ride to the thai restaurant and the pool hall... but i was tired as beans by the end of the night... when did we leave? 2am? jk was tired too... he crashed on my couch for a little while so he wouldn’t crash into something and die on the way home... hmmm... i haven’t heard from him since.....

which is the girl and which is the boy?

so i’m here at school at 8 o’clock, because i believed that class started at 8 am... however... i just checked my schedule, and it definitely doesn’t start until 9 am... o well... at least now i know where my class is going to be...

so about a month ago, while i was at IMPACT (which was the bombdiggitybombizziest conference that i’ve been to thus far) i was walking around d.c. streets with my very old friend (not old as in age but old as in i’ve known her for half my life), and one of my roommates at the conference, mic who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people.

she goes to my school... she’s 4 years younger and therefore deemed one of the ‘kids’. she is going thru a lot of what made my undergrad time here miserable, which is not doing what you’re called to do... however, i think she realized on time... she’s decided to at least minor in music... and afterward, she’s looking into going to seminary for music... probably getting the same degree that i am! because she’s also interested in counseling, as am i, she’d be getting an mdiv too.

the differences are that while i was in bondage to a crazed, cultish (these are my opinions which are open to discussion) scholarship program that would have forbidden a change like that... she is not and will prolly keep her money. oh well... i just don’t want her to make the same mistakes that i made... i still praise God, though, cuz i know that all He allowed me to go through made me stronger, more convicted to obey Him, and much better equipped to encourage others to follow their dreams.

anyways...... i was walking down the street with them and we approached this couple from the back... an interesting couple indeed... two very svelte people, dressed in black shirt, blue jeans, and both with the same ‘beatles’ haircut. they looked so much alike from the back that i would have thought they were twins... if they weren’t holding hands... i remember saying, ‘huh... which one’s the girl and which one’s the boy?’ not actually perplexed by which was which because i could tell... but it shouldn’t have taken so many glances to figure it out... the dude had a more feminine walk than i did... shoooot...