jealous of who?

‘i think she’s jealous of you...’, ash-t said to me... ‘of who?’ i asked incredulously... ‘you’, she said... ‘wait... who’s jealous of me’ i asked. though i kinda knew who she was talking about already, i asked to make sure since the scenario i envisioned didn’t make any sense to me... ‘holly’, she said...

now let’s pause for a second and think about this... I’M TRYING TO BE LIKE HOLLY! she is sooooo beast when it comes to music... her vocal and musical arrangements are the bomb; she is an excellent pianist; her voice is like... the sun bursting through a cover of gray hazy clouds onto a fresh, dew-kissed field in spring... i mean... please! why in the universe would she ever be jealous of me?... back to the convo...

‘WHY?’ i asked, genuinely confused... ash-t says, ‘i think she’s jealous of how the choir responds to you... they get more excited when they sing your stuff... more hype...’

and yes, that seems kinda true... but i figure it’s more because... i’m stupid... like, i’m REALLY silly and pop-off-the-walls energetic... of course they respond... and also, the song that the choir sings of holly’s was adapted from a solo, so the choir spends most of the song just standing there listening to her sing... so obviously they don’t seem as involved, cuz they’re NOT involved... her song is the absolute bomb though... they just haven’t seen what she can do with a choir song yet...

‘but holly is a BEAST though’, i say... ‘i know... but you’re more humble about it... people get vibes from her... like she’s good and she knows she’s good...’, ‘but she IS good’, i say...

i don’t know... i still love holly and i believe in her... i think she’s excellent in everything she does and she doesn’t strike me as phony or arrogant (though i guess i could see where people might get that vibe)... but it wouldn’t be fair for me to change my opinion of her based on other people’s vibes... so many of my best friends though i was stuck up when they first met me... until they got to know me...

i really really admire her talent... she is awesome... there are so many times when i wish that i could sing like her and i dream of the day when i might be able to play piano like her... i mean... she’s awesome... and sometimes, to be honest, it kind of hurts when we sing one of her songs and not mine... or when she gets all the amazed attention for her song and i get what i perceive to be polite attention for mine... because... i desire to be sooo great and i know that i’m not... yet... and i know that in the arena of musical skill, she surpasses me by a light year... but in the arena of the anointing of God... there’s no competition... it’s not possible to compete for anointing... and anointing has nothing to do with either of us anyway... we’re equally anointed to do just whatever God has called us for and the measure of our greatness and honor will be determined only by how fervently we follow Him... it’s not determined by how fervently compliments and flattery follow us...

to Your will, Lord... not my own