mon cher

me: hahaha... so what are you up to?
chi: nothing
chi: writing
me: jk’s story?
chi: yeah
chi: and others
me: am i in any?
me: can i be in one?
me: apple peanut windmill!
me: see?... i’m crazy... crazy is fun!
chi: no
me: awww :-(
chi: or you could continue my story
me: okay
me: it’s gonna have a peanut butter covered windmill in it
chi: no i refuse it
chi: none of that
me: awww... how bout a peanut butter covered snowman......
me: that sings nothing but beetle’s songs
me: and eats small children
chi: no
me: how can you be so closed-minded?
chi: because i need for the story to be realistic and make sense
me: oh... one of those...
chi: yes please
me: okay... i guess i can do that
chi: thank you

what am i saying? i can’t do that...



meanwhile... my cher is coming back... he moved to florida in october to do full time ministry... now he's coming back to raise some support... i saw him briefly at a conference in december and he'll be around the way for a couple months... i love him to death... but he always manages to get on my last nerves... i still missed him tho...

getting to know me

i’m definitely not going to seminary next semester... i don’t know if it’ll be the semester after that or the year after that... i’m not exactly sure when... and i have no idea what i’ll be doing until then.......

i’m starting to feel like i’m really not ready for it... like i’m not dedicated to God enough... but in my head i know that it has nothing to do with my 'holiness'... it simply has to do with God’s call... He may call someone off the street to minister... no... i needn’t wallow in self-pity because i’m not as perfect as i should be... i need only obey God...

see... the reason i feel so unholy and unworthy is because i haven’t been craving God like i used to... i used to wake up early every morning and call on His name and be so excited to get into His Word... and i’d go to sleep with Christ on my mind and wake up with him still on my mind... and get butterflies when i was about to enter into worship... where did that passion go?

now i struggle to be faithful to studying... i have to make a deliberate decision to think about God when i go to sleep... and not think about all the crap i’m enduring right now... or not think about my future husband and kids... or not think about how much i hate the color purple (the actual color- not the movie)...

but i know that God honors the decisions that i make that are in accord with His will... and He honors them even more when i do what i supposed to even though i don't feel like it...

i’m still learning to get myself together... i’m just not ready... but i still have a heart after God... He knows... if i put Him first and keep Him first, i’ll be ready in no time...

thus ends the longest-lived short-lived crush

i’ve been gone a little bit... i’m a little bit hurt right now... God answered me and showed me that i would have to compromise the standards that He’s given me in order to be with mil... i won’t do it... God help me, i still like him though...

i think it will fade after a little while... usually when God answers me my feelings fade immediately, but this case is a little different... He’s chosen to test my devotion to His ways over my devotion to my own desires... as much as it may hurt... i choose His way...

see... mil is ‘playing the field’... and i am no blade of grass to be trampled on... i’m the precious flower on the side that attracts the players that are mature enough to leave the field in search for the one special treasure... wow... that was all ‘lets-watch-oprah-and-drink-foreign-fancy-coffee-over-girl-talk-ish’ oh well... IT’S STILL TRUE!

plus... there’s this weird relationship with his ex-girl, mo, that i’m not trying to step in between... ‘that’s my baby’, he said of her... ‘but she doesn’t make me feel that way’... what does that mean?!

i’m trying to figure if it’s like a ‘chi and jam’ sort of thing, where chi is mil and jam is mo... it could be... and that would be fine, if they hadn’t been together before... see, i don’t know if there are feelings for her that mil won’t admit to cuz he’s just not ready to settle down yet or not... or if he really doesn’t feel that way about her... i mean, that’s possible... but it’s still too complicated for me... plus, i love mo... and i wouldn’t want to hurt her either...

it doesn’t matter anyway, cuz God has a way of keeping the men who aren’t for me from talking to me... even the ones who are supposedly in love with me and propose to me fairly regularly, don’t talk to me... hmmm... i was just complaining about that earlier today, but now i remember why that is... i asked God to do that! ha!

my girl bb, ‘the prophetess’ i call her... cuz she has such divine insight into the will of God, and can often predict certain things... according to His will of course... told me that she really thinks he’s the one... hahahahaha... i don’t know, bb... maybe you should consult God again...

oh well... my heart is sufficiently healed tho... besides... chi has assured me that mil is crazy... my dear chi! you always know just what to say!

okay, so he goes...

okay, so he goes... he goes... okay, he goes... okay...right, so... he goes..................... ‘you’re so cute’ *justme’s heart melts as she tries her hardest to hold back a ridiculous smile*...

okay, well he didn’t exactly say it to me... but he wrote it , and that’s enough for me...

but really... i’m dead serious... i don’t want to fool with anything that God hasn’t prepared beforehand for me, so despite my random fits of giddiness, i’m not planning the wedding... i’m not even expecting anything- this could well be an ephemeral crush, and that’s perfectly fine with me...

so what if i read the email over and over again?

i asked God that no man would try to talk talk to me unless he was my husband... thus far, it’s worked...

the men that have liked me have only told me:

1) after they graduated and i would never see them again...
2) after they were in a committed relationship (what’s that about?)...
3) or they don’t talk to me period... like they relay all their messages of undying love for me through a mutual friend... but never actually call me or try to really communicate with me personally... (i don’t even know what to say about that one)

meanwhile... i’ve dropped my phone in a sewer so i can’t call anyone... first my keys, now this! i was hoping to get it back, but bureaucracy hath prevented my noble attempt, THUS........i am therewith, hitherto and thusforth without a means of communication with the rest of the world for now... sorry chi, you may have to wait a little longer to find out.....

i feel like i should cite chinua achebe

i’m worried about chi... she hasn’t called, she hasn’t blogged... where is she? oh... wait... i guess i could call her...

i’m also worried about kiki... i haven’t spoken to her in a while... and i know she has a tendency to get grossly drunk every day... she’s been heavy on my heart lately, and so i called her yesterday... left a message on her voicemail to let her know i loved her...

anyways... proof of my sobriety... i spoke to him and didn’t get all giggly... it’s good to be in my right mind....... to some extent... i’m still crazy y’all...

i’ve realized:

it’s hard to find a balance between becoming complacent and not getting stressed out by thinking of all the things you:
have to do
have forgotten to do
messed up when you did it

i’m trying to find that balance now... God help me...

my theory: when things fall apart, it’s either because God didn’t mean for you to participate in this thing, or because God is setting you up to work a miracle...

you can always tell the difference because He won’t go, ‘i’m pleased with my child who always obeys Me... I’m going to tell her/him to do this thing and then i’m going to let them fail... and then i’m going to leave everything in a horrible mess...’

He will however go, ‘hmmm... although my child loves Me, he/she has their mind set on this thing that I TOLD him/her to abandon... so because I love him/her, I’m not going to let him/her get away with it... and let this thing fall apart...’

He will also go, ‘hmmm... although my child loves Me, she limits what she thinks I can do... she could use some more faith so I’m going to tell her to do something... make things fall apart, and in the end when she call on Me, I’m going to make things turn out better than they would have before...’

the last one’s my personal favorite...

well, i skipped choir3 last night... i think i’ve had enough of them for now... (not the people- i love the people)... but my spirit isn’t at peace when i’m there... in other words... God doesn’t want me to be there right now... so i’ll obey before things fall apart...

ahhh... sobriety

i’m definitely sober now... i’m chillin... mic said to me last night, ‘don’t go crazy, cuz you deserve nothing less than the best and you can’t compromise for anything...’

don’t worry, girl... i won’t... believe me... for me, once i see something in character or behavior that would cause me to need to compromise, that’s as good as God writing on stone tablets, ‘this is not for you’... and i’m done...

ash-t asked me if i liked him...
‘do you like him?’ she asked

‘yes’ i replied

‘you like him like him?’

‘yes’ i replied

‘you LIKE him like him?’

‘yes’ i replied

‘i can tell’

i’m sort of embarrassed... cuz usually when i like somebody... knowing that it’s probably an ephemeral crush... i manage to hide it really really well...

but i also know this about myself... i get kinda giddy around musicians... not about the musicians necessarily, but the music...

and i know i have a tendency to act kind of flirty sometimes... NOT AT ALL INTENTIONAL... but it would be easy to take my behavior the wrong way... i touch people a lot when i’m talking to them... like if you’re next to me, i’m probably gonna be all up in your personal bubble...

and i smile constantly anyway and laugh at everything... so she might have just been seeing that... no matter anyway... he doesn’t know how i usually act around folks, so i’m straight...

still wondering:
WHAT IS UP with rb’s behavior? does he *gulp* like me... or what? what’s goin on? usually asian dudes don’t like Black girls...(sorry chi... lol)

it all started with the convo... see, i’m not a phone person, so i rarely talk on the phone and if i do, it’s usually for a very short period of time... i can think of one friend that i might actually have a conversation with for that long (chi)... but i’d never spoken on the phone with him before, and i hadn’t seen him in years... and even then we never really spoke... and half the convo was about God... that’s what really did it...

so i spent a couple of hours with mil last evening... i think i smiled for a straight hour after i left him... he’s really really nice... i love to be in his presence... and he’s genuinely funny... like, he prompts true laughter from me, not the polite laughter that i offer so many of my other acquaintances... and i love that his sense of humor is g-rated... and never mean-spirited... one thing i really don’t like is when people’s jokes center solely on making fun of other folks... like jay...

but yesterday was cool... i spent the majority of the time smiling at him while i watched him play the piano... smiling, not cuz i love him, but because he’s hilarious to watch... the faces- oh the faces!

he’s so insanely talented too - it’s amazing... but he’s also ridiculously humble... i know beasts who know they’re beasts and therefore their gift is spent wherever they can get the most money... like jay... but he’s taking time out of his VERY busy schedule to help me... i’m so honored...

see - humility is a characteristic that i absolutely adore... in fact... give me a funny, humble man who loves God and i’ll show you my man... oh... wait a minute... *giggle*

sike naw... though i spent the whole of last night and this morning claiming my husband, and begging God to give me a reason not to like him/ asking God if i can have him (cuz after i ask this question, God is usually quick to give me reason)... God has finally granted me sobriety...

before i get all crazy and obsessed for real... i can at least wait to find out if he likes me first... (though if i put aside my penchant for not assuming anything and assume LIKE CRAZY, i could say that he stayed a lot longer than he had to... and he hugged me more than he had to... and he tried to find out if i had a boyfriend by slipping in the random comment about the boyfriend, i.e. ‘why do you keep looking at your phone? you waiting for a call from your boyfriend?’...he also kinda hinted that i should call him this week)... but anyway... i’m not going to assume, cuz maybe he hugs everybody alot...(or MAYBE he was trying to hide his want to hug me by hugging everyone else) – NOPE! i’m being sober... but mark my words... if in our next two encounters, God doesn’t show me why i can’t have him, i’m claiming him officially as my future husband...

speaking of... after i’d arrived home, my roommate, ash-t, calls me into her room and goes, ‘your future husband is on the phone...’
of course i immediately thought of mil... but then i remembered that she doesn’t know about that yet.... so i asked, ‘who?’
of course it’s jay... then he proposed to me again, via ash-t... but i said no... anyways... i’ll see him today in about an hour... this should be interesting....

what do i do with my emotions?

i’m trying to determine what’s okay for me to do in this situation...

i want to cry... i really really want to cry and just sleep all day and eat maybe... though i have absolutely no appetite right now... prolly cuz i feel so much like vomiting...

i’m not sure that i’ve ever felt so sick of life that it would make me physically ill to the point where i don’t even want to eat fried seafood, or sugar (my favorites)... but, it’s happened... and i don’t know what to do...

i’m sure God wouldn’t mind if i cried... that’s cathartic... but the rest... that’s accepting defeat, and with all that i know about God and how He deals with me, it wouldn’t make sense to do that....

see my feelings are in direct conflict with my faith... which is fine... that’s bound to happen... the apostle peter said that the flesh wars against the soul... it’s up to me to act according to what i know and not according to my feelings... that’s wisdom- the application of knowledge...

my dilemma now is to determine the line between actions that reflect my feelings and actions that reflect my faith... and what can i do to calm myself that would still be acceptable to God?

i think it’s my refusal to cry that’s making me sick... denying emotions is dangerous too, right? but then it might be this sick feeling caused by my confusion that’s making it hard to cry... see, i can’t really tell if i’m sad or if i’m anxious or angry or in serious denial... it’s like all of the emotions are exerting the same force on my soul such that no one of them dominates, but they’re still there and still putting pressure on me... (it's been years and i still can't escape physics)...

still God... what do i do with my emotions?

is it supposed to twitch like that?

i hate labs... i really hate dissections... we removed a sciatic nerve from a frog today... the thing is... the frog was alive (it had to be in order for the experiment to work) but of course it was in comatose... or so they claimed...

i say this because the frog definitely woke up after we (and by 'we' i mean the other two dudes in the group) removed the skin from it's legs and had pinned it's muscles open...

suddenly, it began to twitch like crazy (it's supposed to twitch some, but not like this)... so we were instructed to tap the frog's eye to see if it would blink... and it did... and then it opened it's mouth as if to cry, 'eloi eloi sabachtani!' ...

the teacher then rushed over to save the frog from it's misery (because all this followed a speech about how this was a humane procedure since the frog would feel nothing)... and she stuck some big metal spike down the frog's back and put it out... it was still alive though, and therefore bleeding... i really wanted to cry...

it's over now though... and i made it through... only because i finally remembered that i wouldn't get so dizzy if i remembered to breathe...

i'm really screwing up... it's only like a month into the semester and i'm already on the brink of failing my classes... how did i get so behind? God help me...

and i still have so much to do... but i'm so upset about class and choir3 and bills and friends and everything that i think i'm going to go home and go to sleep, even though i've so much more work left... so so tired.....

on a good note, the mouse is gone... i mean... it was only last night that i gained the courage to sleep with the lights off, but i still left my tv on the whole night... maybe i'll muster up enough courage to turn it off tonight...