getting to know me

i’m definitely not going to seminary next semester... i don’t know if it’ll be the semester after that or the year after that... i’m not exactly sure when... and i have no idea what i’ll be doing until then.......

i’m starting to feel like i’m really not ready for it... like i’m not dedicated to God enough... but in my head i know that it has nothing to do with my 'holiness'... it simply has to do with God’s call... He may call someone off the street to minister... no... i needn’t wallow in self-pity because i’m not as perfect as i should be... i need only obey God...

see... the reason i feel so unholy and unworthy is because i haven’t been craving God like i used to... i used to wake up early every morning and call on His name and be so excited to get into His Word... and i’d go to sleep with Christ on my mind and wake up with him still on my mind... and get butterflies when i was about to enter into worship... where did that passion go?

now i struggle to be faithful to studying... i have to make a deliberate decision to think about God when i go to sleep... and not think about all the crap i’m enduring right now... or not think about my future husband and kids... or not think about how much i hate the color purple (the actual color- not the movie)...

but i know that God honors the decisions that i make that are in accord with His will... and He honors them even more when i do what i supposed to even though i don't feel like it...

i’m still learning to get myself together... i’m just not ready... but i still have a heart after God... He knows... if i put Him first and keep Him first, i’ll be ready in no time...