love... somebody please explain...

i hope this isn’t turning into a chi is to m-butter as justme is to .....

remember, chi, when we were on the phone the other day and you kept were talking about m-butter and your situation, and i was all like, ‘yeah, gurl... i know...’ --- i wasn’t being polite... i KNOW!

and it really sucks too...

see, according to my principles and standards... I DON’T WANT HIM... not at all...

but according to something else (what- i don’t know)... i still do... what’s wrong with me? it’s not fair! i've NEVER in life been seriously pressed over a boy... and now i really don’t even think he likes me, but i don’t care! and i have to catch myself because i keep finding myself cutting my eyes at females that he’s paying more attention to than me... even my friends! (they were all my friends, actually)..... and plus, i keep trying to rationalize:

-his principles can change (that’s true tho)......
-that girl he’s talking to... that’s new... he can let that go (that’s true too)
-i can make him love me... (ha! definitely not true)

so i need to stop kidding myself

now, of course i ask God all the time to give me some true unquestionable ‘yes’ or ‘no’ concerning this man, and i suppose He’s given me enough with the principles thing, but obviously i still need more... i wish he would just tell me he... kicked babies or something...

i think God’s trying to test my standards... my dedication to myself verses my dedication to God... i have to really really struggle to keep my mind off of him and on Christ and what He wants of me... but i trust that God still honors the struggle...