make it better...

Jesus! i’m in pain... i mean... really REALLY... this is so retarded... that i have to feel this way, i mean.

i feel sick... sick with longing... sick with repentance... sick with fear that the repentance won’t be realized... sick with worry of the consequences of my sin... sick with shame that i can’t trust God enough to lead me on the best path... well no... that’s not exactly it... it’s more like..... i know God can and will... but i feel... well... like poo poo.

i mean, geez! if he calls me cute one more time! but i know he doesn’t mean it that way...

i didn’t want to erase his last message on my phone, cuz since business is over, he has no other reason to call me and i'm afraid i won't hear his voice anymore... but God said to do it, so i did...

i don’t want to delete his emails cuz i know he has no other reason to contact me and i'm afraid i won't hear from him again... but God said to do it..... i deleted most of them... i’m still working on the rest...

it feels so so dumb to be so pressed over someone that isn’t pressed over me... i don’t like this feeling... i want it to go away- more than i want him to like me, cuz of course, i still want to do the right thing...

God be my strength...