i really mean it this time... i'm dropping out...

Mark 8:36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

tell me why i saw a lady changing her clothes in a church parking lot yesterday!! she parked on the side... opened her door... stood behind it... and me, my roommate, and another girl from our choir saw her pants fall under the door, and a dress go on... WHAT?!... then we saw her again inside, directing the choir.....i thought i was bold in the realm of ghettoness, but that’s a whole new level...

so i guess i am going to st. thomas after all... i wasn’t planning on going... i hadn’t raised nearly enough money... but the choir director bought my ticket for me... it’s already paid for... so i have to go... i just have to tell my boss, my mom, my public defender...

God is ordering my steps... i don’t doubt... my friend, d, told me the other day after he calmly asked if he would see me in the fall and i erupted in a chorus of very loud, ‘OH LAWWWWDD!!!’ s.... he told me if everyone says that i need to prioritize my activities and place art below school... but my soul dies when i do... then it’s pretty obvious what i need to do... but he’s been telling me from the beginning to change my major and do music...

if i forget every obstacle, circumstance, and outside influence... what i want... what i really, really, want... is to quit science... and study music and the Word, and throw myself into ministry...

John 15:7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

.....

i went to court yesterday... they said i could get up to a year in jail... imagine! i didn’t do anything intentionally wrong... but i could be jailed for it...

but i had no lawyer, so the judge postponed the case... i had to go back today to get an appointment with the public defender... it’s next tuesday...

5 people know that i’m dealing with this... only one knows what i did... my roommate, teachers, and closest friends don’t even understand why my stomach is tied in knots... and they don’t realize that worry has turned my soul a darker shade... that my mind is so preoccupied with vindication, that everything else, as serious as it may be, pales in comparison and fades into lesser priorities...

i appreciate my rights... i appreciate freedom... i expect exoneration.

can it be resurrected?

God has opened up so many opportunities for me in music and art and ministry... but school... school feels dead...

“if school is dead... let it stay dead!”

i’d love to, TIA...


i think stress is actually killing me... sunday, i had to dance at both services at my church... once the first dance was over and i exited the stage to the back room so i could rest, i got all hot and sweaty... like, beyond i’ve-just-expended-a-large-amount-of-energy hot and sweaty... this was a fever...

“i have to go home!”, i started screaming... but the other dancers wouldn’t let me... knowing that if i went home, i wouldn’t be back to dance at 11...

so i went to sit outside... it was freezing outside that day and all i was wearing was a t-shirt... so why was i still hot and sweating profusely?

it was too much after a while... i was determined to go home... i stumbled over to grab my keys and my purse, leaving my jacket, knowing that my fever would keep me from getting cold... and i struggled to get to the door... but didn’t make it...

i collapsed on the floor in pain and sweating, wanting to cry, but not able to...

“i want to go home!”, i whimpered in futility, as the others told me once again to go back outside... so i got on my hands and knees to push myself up though i was dizzy...

when suddenly i found the strength to push myself off the floor... probably because of the vomit that was spewing forth from my mouth...

so i stood over the railing of the second floor fire escape, and emptied my stomach onto the concrete below, while nisha, one of the dancers, stood behind me and rubbed my back to comfort me...

(i was surprised by her tenderness... she’s usually very ‘teenager-y’...)

then i rested... and i prepared to dance next service... all that- and i still danced... now THAT’S dedication...

meanwhile, i’m skipping my last two finals, because i’m gonna fail anyway... besides... school is already dead...

favor i didn't ask for

Proverbs 8: 34 Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.
35 For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD.


“now here are your instructions...”

just when my soul is so beaten down and tired... just when i feel that i’ve messed up so much that God should withdraw His grace from me... He does something like this...

i didn’t ask Him to show me His love, because i already knew He loved me... i didn’t ask Him to show me His compassion, because it’s already so evident... and so He showed me His favor- despite all the stuff i’m enduring, and the confusion, and the fits of hopelessness, He shows me something that i wasn’t even looking for... His true unending favor...

‘how did He do it?’, you ask...

TIA brought me to the store...

“you are to pick out an ENTIRE outfit that you like... don’t ask me anything, don’t say anything to me... just find something you really really want... and DON’T look at any price tags...”

i looked at a few...

after a round or two around the store, i realized that i have no idea how to shop for stuff i like... i usually look at the price tags first and limit my choices from there... that usually does most of the work for me...

so she helped me pick out an outfit... a skirt, two shirts and a sweater... along with two pairs of earrings and a necklace...

i’m not used to having nice clothes... half of my stuff was given to me cuz other people didn’t want it anymore...

she made me leave the store while she paid, so that i wouldn’t get worried about how much she was spending... she even went to the trouble of getting gift receipts...

she forgot to remove the tags though... after dropping her off, i checked the bags and roughly totaled all she bought me today...

it was over $100 worth of clothes...

the thing is... my soul was so beaten that i could barely speak the whole time... and i could barely show her the proper gratitude... if she could only see how much i truly appreciated this... appreciate isn’t even a strong enough word... see, it doesn’t surprise me that God would do such a thing... but for TIA to be obedient and humble enough to do this... i just pray for the day when i can bless others in even greater measure...

timing

i spent an hour in the fine arts parking lot at my school on the phone with TIA last night... i thought there was choir rehearsal, but after wandering around the building for half an hour and randomly peeking into and opening doors of the usual practice rooms (and setting off a few alarms...) i realized there was none... just as i was in my vehicle and about to leave, she calls me...

so i sat with my door open, enjoying the cool and the dark and the peace of the night...

she really encouraged me... sharing what she’s learned about God’s divine timing in her life... it was a message that was greatly warranted... as i’m facing a situation where i might not graduate as soon as expected... and yet all of creation is eagerly awaiting the revealing of myself in a cap and gown... even me... i feel like i’ve let EVERYONE down... even me...

but one thing TIA said, was that things don’t always happen in the timing that’s expected... even when something seems looooooooong overdue... and it took some humility on her part to say such a thing, since she was one of the main ones screaming in my ear that i would absolutely be graduating in may, and there was no other alternative...

well... i sure showed her...

or rather God showed her, and He’s continuing to show me... i’m not perfect... i mess up so much on my own, and the best thing i can do is just completely relinquish my life to Him, because i clearly can’t handle it on my own... i need to depend wholeheartedly on God before i’ll be able to complete anything... i just need to learn how...

my mother, ‘THE DEALER’, i like to call her... seems to feel that i need to depend wholeheartedly on drugs... she has me taking this stuff called ‘focalin’...

i was a little worried as i read the instructions... may cause fever, hyperactivity, mood swings, uncontrollable burping, bleeding from the eyes, foot growth... well i made some of that stuff up, but geez! i guess it’s worth it if it works cuz it’s supposed to help me be more focused in school...

i have good feelings about it... seeing as how i’m sitting here blogging while my dusty schoolbooks lay cramped in my raggedy book bag... *that was sarcasm... in case you missed it*

anyways... point is... i just want to forget the shame, forget the pain, forget the mistakes, and let Him put me wherever i need to be, whenever i need to be there...

measure, matter, and magnitude

Measure... we see very little of all that You do for us... our senses are attuned to pick up on the tangible, and the tangible only... but You are an intangible God and You operate in both worlds... the physical manifestations of Your works toward us are all that we are truly able to partake in, and they represent such a small amount of all that You’re working to cause those things to come to pass. The small fraction of good that You do is enough for us to praise You forever, for we’re not worthy of the first blessing... but You continue to bless us beyond what we could ever deserve and beyond what our minds and thoughts could ever conceive.

Matter... the substance... it is not possible for us to understand the true quality of Your blessings... when we ask for a miracle, we ask for ourselves, yet when You perform it, You manage to cause that miracle to impact our lives, such that our lives impacts another, such that another life affects another. You’ve intricately woven the products of the blessings that You bestow on one, to the life of everyone that exists and the outcome is the best that a sovereign and all-knowing God could offer to His dying children... You bring light to the world through one man’s miracle, and only a mind like Yours would be capable of not only envisioning such a thing, but carrying it out to the glory of His name.

Magnitude... each blessing is larger than we can envision... we can only see the present result, but can’t foresee the ending... we can only fathom a modicum of the greatness that You’ll bring... Your power far exceeds what our minds allot to You... the total of the flow of Your compassion and mercy shames the greatest waterfall... the vastness of Your love could block out the stars of the universe... our minds don’t have to capacity to hold the revelation of the true bigness of Your blessings because its enormity surpasses the limits of our imagination.

Amen.

‘i’ve been consuming large amounts of coke lately...’

due to my need to pass at least one class this semester, despite my inability to organize my life... i need to get off of sleep...

therefore i’ve been living off of nothing but pizza and various kinds colas- i’ve tried a little bit of everything... coke, coke with lime, pepsi twist, shasta, rally cola (giant generic), sam’s choice (got it from walmart), and pepsi with vanilla (carbonated heaven in a bottle)...

however, i guess i must have looked a little worn when i told my aunt about the large amounts of caffeine that i’d ingested because in response to the above statement, her eyes widened and her mouth dropped and she goes,

‘co.....CAINE!?!?’

i paused for a second, incredulous at the assumption that she had made... then i burst into raucous laughter... the good kind, that makes your stomach hurt...

‘no!’, i replied ‘co... ca cola!’... clearly she doesn’t know me... i don’t even like taking motrin for pain...

anyways... i’m once again at the end of a semester and failing most of my classes... i only have 4... isn’t it crazy? so i’ve decided (by ‘decided’ i mean ‘been persuaded’) to go to a psychologist...

my mother and a couple of my friends seem to think that i have A.D.D.... i don’t know if that’s the case, but i got sumthin! cuz it doesn’t make sense that i can’t do the simplest of tasks... like turn stuff in on time... or complete assignments... or keep on top of my schoolwork when i have more than two classes... oh well... we’ll see...

tired

i am just tired...

tired of:
1. school
2. thinking about school
3. worrying about school assignments
4. getting asked when i'm graduating from school... (for the past 2 years, the answer has been, 'next semester'... regardless of the semester
5. tired of being tired from staying up all late
6. getting fat because of the huge amounts of caffeinated beverages that i consumer because i have to stay up in order to finish assignments for school
7. missing quizzez in school cuz i'm tired
8. being asked, 'what's wrong... you look like you've been beaten up'... yeah, THANX, LIFE!
9. just wanting to sleep all the time... anywhere, everywhere, anyti.........zzzzzzzzzzz