timing

i spent an hour in the fine arts parking lot at my school on the phone with TIA last night... i thought there was choir rehearsal, but after wandering around the building for half an hour and randomly peeking into and opening doors of the usual practice rooms (and setting off a few alarms...) i realized there was none... just as i was in my vehicle and about to leave, she calls me...

so i sat with my door open, enjoying the cool and the dark and the peace of the night...

she really encouraged me... sharing what she’s learned about God’s divine timing in her life... it was a message that was greatly warranted... as i’m facing a situation where i might not graduate as soon as expected... and yet all of creation is eagerly awaiting the revealing of myself in a cap and gown... even me... i feel like i’ve let EVERYONE down... even me...

but one thing TIA said, was that things don’t always happen in the timing that’s expected... even when something seems looooooooong overdue... and it took some humility on her part to say such a thing, since she was one of the main ones screaming in my ear that i would absolutely be graduating in may, and there was no other alternative...

well... i sure showed her...

or rather God showed her, and He’s continuing to show me... i’m not perfect... i mess up so much on my own, and the best thing i can do is just completely relinquish my life to Him, because i clearly can’t handle it on my own... i need to depend wholeheartedly on God before i’ll be able to complete anything... i just need to learn how...

my mother, ‘THE DEALER’, i like to call her... seems to feel that i need to depend wholeheartedly on drugs... she has me taking this stuff called ‘focalin’...

i was a little worried as i read the instructions... may cause fever, hyperactivity, mood swings, uncontrollable burping, bleeding from the eyes, foot growth... well i made some of that stuff up, but geez! i guess it’s worth it if it works cuz it’s supposed to help me be more focused in school...

i have good feelings about it... seeing as how i’m sitting here blogging while my dusty schoolbooks lay cramped in my raggedy book bag... *that was sarcasm... in case you missed it*

anyways... point is... i just want to forget the shame, forget the pain, forget the mistakes, and let Him put me wherever i need to be, whenever i need to be there...