reading rainbow was never like this

so last night i had a dream... it started off like the end of an episode of reading rainbow... then went terribly awry......

so levar burton had just finished his ending speech and then the scene panned upwards as if i were behind a camera... then i was in some sort of upstairs nook that had a bedroom in the middle and a bathroom on the side...

so i started choking so i couldn’t breathe well and so i went to the bathroom and took the trash can from underneath the sink and started pulling huge wads of paper towels out of my mouth... so big that i could hardly fit my fingers into my mouth to take them out...

then as i finally release them and throw them into the trash, while i’m drooling and slobbering all over (like when the dentist takes the cotton out of your mouth) i look over and find that i’m no longer in a bathroom... but in a bedroom... and who’s in the bed that’s right next to the sink? levar burton... watching me being gross!

so i’m really startled and embarrassed, but then i realize that he’s sleeping with his eyes open... so i move up close to him... and he has really pretty hazel eyes... well actually only one of them was... the other was kinda greenish gray and looked like glass...

anyway... he suddenly wakes up and grabs my arm and tells me to go to sleep... so i do... (there’s another twin bed sitting parallel to his)... so when i wake up i go to sit on the floor in front of his bed... (who knows why?)...

then he wakes up and touches my shoulders and grabs my arm and starts kissing it... (eeeewwwwwwwww)... and i was so disgusted that this old head that i didn’t know was kissing me and then my mother called my name and i woke up foreal...

except she hadn’t called me... i just dreamt that she did, but it sounded so real in my dream it was enough to wake me... so even after all that craziness i woke up calling ‘yes?!’ to nobody that was standing outside my door... weird... and slightly gross...

chi’s dreams are crazy and quite amusing... mine are straight up disturbing...

i’m worn out... what on earth is up... i think i need time to meditate... to adjust to life at this point... to process all that’s goin on and goin wrong... to plan for the future... to understand my present... to be without distraction, the on purpose and the not on purpose kind...

life is too complicated to not sit back and sort out every once in a while... otherwise it quickly turns into a mess... much like my room... too often i let it get to a point where you literally can’t see the floor... (my roommates and mother can testify)... yeah... i think tomorrow will be designated my meditation day... but probably i should clean my room first.

real

God invested so much in me... gifts, talents, knowledge, life... eventually, He’s gonna make a demand on His investment...

i actually wake up in the morning and say to myself... ‘if i don’t pray and study, then i’m gonna have trouble today...’

then i make the conscious decision that i’ll take the days’ trouble because i don’t feel like praying... because sponge bob square pants or xena, warrior princess is on already, and i really wanna see what happens with squidbert and ares... *you know you watch them too*

that’s not okay...

what i really want... what i really really desire is a real relationship with God... i want to want Him, not because I’m in trouble... not because i want to feel holy... but because i love Him...

i don’t want to force myself beyond what i feel like doing because i don’t want trouble, but because i really love God and so i want to talk with Him and learn Him more...

strip away the consequences of disobedience... strip away the recognition gained from pious action... i want to crave Him for love only.

maybe He speaks through...

i was about to withdraw from school today... i think... but then as i was on my way, one of my teachers called me... she had arranged for a group of us to sing at a nearby church on sunday and was calling to confirm how many of us there were and a few other things...

then she goes, ‘how’s the financial thing?’

i say, ‘it’s the same... i still don’t have any money.......’ i couldn’t think of what else to say...

she goes, ‘whatever it seems like, your tuition will be paid, just have faith... it might not be until the end of the semester, just keep trusting.’ she said, ‘keep going with school as if there’s not a problem... everything will work out fine.’

i’m inclined to listen to her considering i hadn’t told her what i was planning to do and i hadn’t spoken to her about my finances for a while... and she just happened to call on the day... well... we’ll see...

and i dont know what it is... but for the third time today this is happening to me... this thing where my heart starts beating all hard and fast so that i can hear it in my ears... and my chest starts to hurt and get tight and i start struggling to breathe... and i get kinda dizzy... i’m hoping that it’s nothing and that it’ll just stop happening... mainly cuz i hate doctors... but i’m not trying to pass out today either....