explain to me what sincerity is...

i’m supposed to be participating in this week long fast and prayer thing... problem is, i’ve been really fakin on my spiritual exercises... i’ve been praying, but only in the car and stuff... not the most sincere prayers... and i haven’t set aside quiet time for me and God in a long long time... i convince myself that that doesn’t make me less worthy to pray... it doesn’t make my prayers worth less to God... and He always finds a way to snap me out of that habit anyway...

the other night when it was snowing, i was craving junk food so badly that i went to the store in the snow, even though i had very little gas in my car and even though my windshield was completely obstructed by snow and i don’t have a windshield wiper on the back (what’s that about?) and even though my tires are bald...

so i went to the store and there were GREAT sales on junk food... cookies, chips, crackers... all sorts of stuff... so i mulled over how much i wanted to spend and what was the best value and what i was most likely to enjoy, but least likely to finish in one sitting... i finally settled on a $2 box of cheezits...

so i left the store to find that it was only drizzling slightly... while i was cleaning off the snow from my windshield, this guy started approaching me... i wasn’t worried though... despite the many many years of my mother’s conditioning to teach me that i should be afraid of everyone at all times... even in the day time... even if i’ve known them for years...


anyway, he goes, ‘ma’am! ma’am! can i help you with that?’

i said, ‘no’ cuz i really didn’t need help...

he asks again... ‘the reason i ask is because i’m trying to pick up any little bit of cash that i can... i went to the shelter and they were out of room and food, so i just wanted to get some coffee...’

i still didn’t need help though, so i said, ‘i don’t need help... i got this..... but i’ll still give you a dollar when i’m done...’ i didn’t have much change after i’d left the store... i asked if he wanted some bread cuz the rest of what i had was frozen...

he said, ‘any little bit helps’...

as i went to get the dollar out of my car, i saw the box of cheez its that i’d been craving... i figured those would keep better than bread so i gave those to him... he said, ‘thanx and God bless you...’

i said, ‘God bless you as well...;


i could’ve felt pretty satisfied with myself, but i didn’t... i felt stupid... i felt like i wish i could’ve given more... something more useful, like a home, a job, a hot cooked meal, something more important than... cheezits... but it was all i had...

i also thought about all the other times homeless people had approached me and i only gave spare change so they would leave me alone... or i ignored them completely... what made me so giving tonight? would i do the same thing tomorrow?

what all that did remind me of was how much i had to appreciate... and i prayed a sincere prayer of thanx to God... there but for the grace of God go i...