the life and times...

*i’m trying to get my life together... i think the best thing for me right now would be to get someone to do that for me... you know... like a living day planner...

*i’m studying music theory now... not in any class or anything... just with an old book that my roommate gave me... i’ve been in it day and night as if my life depended on it... actually, it does... my goals depend on it anyway...

i’m the type of person where if i want to learn how to do something, i’m going to learn to do it... that’s why i can do so much... if i can’t get someone to teach me i learn it on my own... shoot.... i learned to fix toilets by reading the encyclopedia!

*my friends are crazy... they are so pressed to get me married that it doesn’t make any sense... me... i’m not sure i’m feeling marriage right now... i kinda have too much on my plate and i wanna enjoy every bit of it without having to worry about anyone else... right now i come and go when i please, talk to whomever i please, hang with whomever i please... it’s just lovely...

my friends however, seem to think otherwise so (behind my back) they signed me up for online personals... they wrote the profile... even propagated conversations with a couple of guys... typically, this is how a convo with my friend went:

bc: hey... ‘d’ wrote you back...
me: wrote me back? did i write him?
bc: yeah, we liked his profile... he’s good...
me: ‘we’?... okay...
bc: so yeah, this is what he wrote: ‘hey... and so on and so on...’
me: hmmm... okay, that’s not too bad...
bc: good... and this is what you wrote in response.....
me: WHAT?!

she’s married... so i think she’s using me as an cover to flirt with guys online... oh the madness...

so i had a dream where my aunt told me that my mom was saying that i need to get out of her house... in my dream, my sentiment was like, ‘what?! no kidding!' i think i’ve spent the majority of my school life avoiding that house like it was the plague.

i’m starting to realize more than ever that this is my life... i don’t have to listen to what my parents tell me to do. granted they have life experience, but if they truly knew everything i’m sure their lives would be just right. the point is... nobody understands me like i understand me... and nobody knows what’s best for my life better than God. so as sound as moms’ advice may seem, it’s not her life that i’m trying to live... and that life is one that is clearly in conflict with what i know God wants from me... talk about ‘choose ye this day whom you will serve...’

this would mean instead of diligently looking for a job, i should be diligently attempting to finish my applications for seminary... even though my mom is breathing down my back... HARD... it’s like a tornado back there... i mean, i know in my heart that the job search doesn't feel right... it's like i KNOW what i 'm supposed to be doing right now, but i'm letting parent pressure push me the wrong way...

oh well... if i’m gonna do what i’m gonna do then i need to get to work and stop playing around with... God’s life.

i thought my ideas were heretical...

check this out

whether you believe in Him or not, i think you can learn much from Him.

the problem i have with some atheists is not their unbelief... they can believe or not believe whatever they want... no big deal...

my issue is the fervent, almost spiteful energy that's put into disproving God's existence... the thing is Christianity... the basic gist of it... is simply to love... love yourself and love others... granted many Christians miss this basic fact and start killing the infidels and reforming so called 'savage' culture and beating each other over the head with Bibles and crosses and things, but that doesn't change what Christ was really about...

so what does it gain to try and disprove Him? to take Him away is to take away His message... and His example... and we can't afford to do that... it takes time to get love right... it's been around 2000 since His birth and look at us... we still haven't got the hang of it...

yes, we Christians push our message with the same fervency sometimes... not always motivated by the right thing... but ultimately sharing Christ means sharing humility, respect, and love my question is... pushing doubt and disbelief...

what love is there in it?

ghost

i've been hiding from everybody since sunday... suddenly i didn't feel like talking to or meeting with anyone... i just wanted to be alone...

so many people have called that i really want to talk to, but i can't seem to make myself answer the phone... i don't know what it is... maybe i just need solitary time...

i've also been talking a lot more to God... praying i guess you would call it... me and Him are having some issues... but i'm not mad or anything... just a little confused about where our relationship is going... about where i'm going...

i hate being confused... and i have the feeling that talking about it would only make it worse... everybody will have their opinion and then i'll just be left with 1000 more questions to mull over... and frankly, i'm not in the mood

so i do what i usually do... wrap it up inside and figure it out between me and God... in the mean time... i'm ghost...