doubting

i didn’t think it would ever happen... i knew from my rebirth that something like this would never ever occur... not to me... i’m a good girl... i’m forever faithful...

but it has... i guess no one’s really immune... it’s partly God’s fault anyway... He made me this way... always questioning, challenging... this is a result of my just trying to get closer to Him... to know Him for who He really is! who knew it would lead to this... to... questioning my faith... not like this... not to this extent...

don’t get me wrong... i believe in God... i believe in Jesus and in His message of love... i believe in miracles and the spiritual world... i believe in God’s sovereignty and power and benevolence... but the extent of the deity of Christ... the purity of the Word... i’m not so sure.... i mean i believe it’s all important and usable... but how much of what i was taught Christianity was, is actually just a fabrication of the powerful business church structure? how much is culture and how much is actually what God wants from us? i don’t know...

on one hand, i really want to talk to somebody about it... but on the other, i can’t really see any good coming from it... i don’t know who i could talk to...

the truly spiritual would severely chastise me for my doubt... they’d say it was the devil... they’d lay hands on me and rebuke me in Jesus’ name... then they’d tell me to believe just because i was supposed to... that was faith... but it doesn’t clarify anything for me...

the unbelievers would say... ‘see... this is what i’ve been saying all along... God is a willful fabrication of man’s mind to make him feel more comfortable with life and death’... but i don’t believe God is dead or not real... He’s real... and i’m no looking for anyone to convince me otherwise...

the struggling in faith would say... ‘i never really thought about it like that... i think you may have a point... that all makes so much sense...’ and God forbid i be responsible for the loss of someone else’s faith... i don’t know if i’m right or wrong... i’m not looking for confirmation for my ‘theories’ or for someone to tell me i’m right... i want truth...

the problem is, in the meantime i feel like such a fake... i go to church and worship God and mentor youth and interact with ministers and pastors, my friends... all the while knowing that if they only knew what was going on in my mind..........

i don’t know... i kinda wanna talk to my friend, L... he was the first to encourage me to go to seminary... i feel like if i can trust anyone to not hate me, and then give me a truly objective opinion or advice, it would be him... but i still don’t know... i just don’t.