i want it to get better but it keeps getting worse...

oh, that i could only know where God lived... then i could go find Him and plead my case...

the thing is... i’m not driven by doubt... i’m driven by a real desire to do what’s right... i think about how much we learn about how we should be... from people... and from the Bible, which was written by people... no doubt inspired by the most High... but still...

people, no matter how mature in Christ... no matter how righteous and sincere... are still fallible... we still have such limited knowledge in comparison to God... so no man can tell me everything... and many righteous men have told me so many conflicting things that they can all back up and they’ve all made such perfect sense to me... at one point in life...

i wanna just come to the conclusion that i’ll never know all that i’m supposed to know, and that my life should just be doing what i think is best and constantly seeking God for what He wants from me... but i don’t wanna waste my time on earth... i don’t wanna waste my life... His life really... i just don’t know what to do...

it’s frustrating... but anyways...

i got kicked out of my apartment tonight... my roomie’s sorority is over with the new line for a potluck and i can’t find out who they are yet, so i had a choice between staying locked in my room or just leaving altogether... so i left... but it turned out pretty good... we don’t have a computer, so it’s nice to be able to update my blog and talk to friends on instant messenger... especially chi... i miss her so much it doesn’t make sense!

but anyway, the sheer craziness takes my mind off this struggle... which i really need right now... last gospel choir rehearsal i broke down crying... cuz i was repulsed by the prayer! it was so riddled with the usual Christian cliches that i couldn’t take it seriously... and then i cried cuz i never thought i’d see the day when prayer would disgust me...

it’s not the prayer tho... it just hurts me that sincerity is lost so easily... and that once it’s lost, it’s nearly impossible to find...