i am so exhausted i don’t know what to do... i have a tendency to clog my schedule with activities all at one period in time... it’s rehearsal until 11... then it’s choir rehearsal until 12... then laundry until 1... the next day recording studio until 11 30/ slumber party until 5?... then the next day it’s dance rehearsal from 6 30 to 9 30... then it’s studio again... tomorrow i have to dance at both services starting with 6 am sunrise... i don’t know if i can make it... no, i will... but then i have something else on tuesday... i guess i’ll be knocked out all of monday then...

anyways... i'm dreading going home on sunday... i know my mom is pissed at me and i just hope if i stay in my book, that she won’t have too much to say...

on another note... i am actually really looking forward to easter sunday sermon... palm sunday was AWESOME... the message was so good and 4 people went up to get saved or rededicate their lives... it was so beautiful... shocking however, considering that the subject of the sermon was ‘Jesus needs your ass’... the scripture reference was matthew 21:1-3... see if you can figure that one out...

who will go?

so i've started studying again... i was afraid that i'd forgotten everything, but i'm surprised by how much i remember... anyways, i plan to get some commentaries and other Bible suplements from different sources so that i can get a full historican and contextual view of what i'm reading...

i have so much going on... i should be able to graduate (walk) in the summer time... and then i'll have my diploma and i'll be off to the real world... i've been looking into some jobs and my mom just told me about an internship program... interfaith? something or other...

i've also got to figure out what i'm goin to do about my group... it seems we've been in high demand since the very beginning... we've sung so many places so many times and now we're actually in a studio and about to do a concert... i'll have to give details later... i just worry about losing focus... i want the main goal to always stay in the front... that we're together to minister... to grow close to God and eachother and to manifest the products of our growth through song... we're 'bout to go on a serious fast y'all...

but back to academics... it seems like i'm looking to do everything but apply to school... why? why come so far and just stop trying? i think i'm scared... i KNOW i'm scared... to move away from everyone and everything... i've never been super independant, so to just pick up and go is hard for me to fathom...

prayerfully... hopefully... everything will be okay...

i just don't like the way it feels... like i'm separated from God because of my doubt... not like God is punishing me because of it, but more like... i'm missing what i felt because i'm not indulging in Him the way i used to... and the reason i'm not, is because i doubt...

it stinks... because i want to worship Him so bad... i want to feel like i'm being led by Him... i want to recognize the millions of wonderful spectacular things that He does for me... i want to be able to think of Him all the time without feeling hurt... i want to study the Bible with a heart that knows for sure that He won't allow me to be betrayed with lies...

i've come to the conclusion that i need to stop being so dramatic... i never stopped believing in God so communion with Him should never have been lacking... if anything it should have been more considering i so desperately needed answers... anyways... i miss God... i really do... so i've decided to seek sincerity while seeking Him... it's possible to do both...


i've also decided that i really need to get on the ball... yes, i'm graduating, but not walking... i really really really don't want to, but of course mom wants me to... i just don't wanna deal with it... MAIL ME MY DIPLOMA SO I CAN BE THROUGH WITH ALL THIS!!! that's all i really need... but whatever... it's too late to apply for graduation this semester, so i'ma hafta tell mom that if she wants to see me walk, she's gonna have to wait until the summer time...

but oh yes... if i don't pay tuition this semester, i'm not getting a diploma at all... so, uh... God? here's a good opportunity to restore my faith... (i'm kidding... really, just kidding)