i just don't like the way it feels... like i'm separated from God because of my doubt... not like God is punishing me because of it, but more like... i'm missing what i felt because i'm not indulging in Him the way i used to... and the reason i'm not, is because i doubt...

it stinks... because i want to worship Him so bad... i want to feel like i'm being led by Him... i want to recognize the millions of wonderful spectacular things that He does for me... i want to be able to think of Him all the time without feeling hurt... i want to study the Bible with a heart that knows for sure that He won't allow me to be betrayed with lies...

i've come to the conclusion that i need to stop being so dramatic... i never stopped believing in God so communion with Him should never have been lacking... if anything it should have been more considering i so desperately needed answers... anyways... i miss God... i really do... so i've decided to seek sincerity while seeking Him... it's possible to do both...


i've also decided that i really need to get on the ball... yes, i'm graduating, but not walking... i really really really don't want to, but of course mom wants me to... i just don't wanna deal with it... MAIL ME MY DIPLOMA SO I CAN BE THROUGH WITH ALL THIS!!! that's all i really need... but whatever... it's too late to apply for graduation this semester, so i'ma hafta tell mom that if she wants to see me walk, she's gonna have to wait until the summer time...

but oh yes... if i don't pay tuition this semester, i'm not getting a diploma at all... so, uh... God? here's a good opportunity to restore my faith... (i'm kidding... really, just kidding)