i keep waiting for God to ruin my life... like one day i’ll wake up in a horrible depression wanting to kill myself for all the pain i’m in... or i’ll look around me one day and realize that i’ve lost everything or haven’t accomplished anything with my gifts... i keep waiting to go completely broke so that my life can no longer be comfortably sustained... see...

i need God to ruin my life... so He can prove to me He’s real...

i’ve believed that trusting in God to take care of me will keep me... i’ve believed that if i pray regularly and fast when necessary, that i’ll accomplish much... i’ve believed that if i give 10 percent of my wages to God, that i’ll always have what i need, and otherwise, i would lose everything... i’ve believed that the more i learn the Word of God, the less confused about life i’d become...

unfortunately, in this current phase of doubt and skepticism... in my not depending on Him... in my not praying or making conscious effort to set time aside to communicate with God... in my not tithing... in my never studying the Bible... i’ve found, unfortunately, that my life continues to be sustained...

i can’t imagine why God isn’t tearing my life to pieces... especially since i so fervently long for Him to show Himself, His ways, my former stalwart beliefs to be real and true... i want Him to prove that life falls apart without Him... because though i doubt much... i really truly WANT to believe... i’m like... standing on His porch right outside of His door just waiting for the first inkling of a storm... the first drop on my head... the first warm rumble of thunder... anything... anything to give me an excuse to ring the doorbell......


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so i went to church yesterday... i could pick apart all the stuff that i had issues with, and all the things that i found kinda fake and insincere, but the truth is... i think there were probably enough good things to warrant my not being cynical and tearing it apart... i was fairly comfortable on sunday... more than usual... except that i had to leave all early cuz i had to get to work... it was funny... once i left early service, i saw that my friend, who also attends the church, was calling me... i didn't check the message until later tho... she was sincerely asking me to come to second service with her that day... it was sweet that she cares so much about me... but it kinda pissed me off that its the third week in a row that i've told her i work during the second service... she does the same thing on saturdays too!

so yeah... i pressed my hair saturday night... i would have gone to get it done, but i usually get charged extra since i have soooo much... it's really long too...

so something happens to guys when i press my hair... like, my coworker, who usually spends much of the day half yelling at me and making me feel stupid, was extra calm and kinda sweet yesterday... wieeeeerd... and another one commented on how cool my hair was every time he saw me that day... it's like my straightened hair has super powers... i'm curious to see how this story develops...