called

wha?

2006-08-31T12:26:00.000-04:00

i am not at all ashamed that i slowed down so very much while turning the corner into my mom's neighborhood solely in order to check out the dude that was mowing the lawn... he was seeeeeexy.... locks, caramel skin, kinda muscly but not hard cut muscles (i don't like all that)... and his face was so cute...

back to reality... my friend is just like me... he has so much potential but lets fear of possibly not getting something right hold him back... so we do stuff like talk about how we need to 'research' and 'check out' stuff before we jump into it...but i know it's all a b.s. procrastination method... i really have to get on the ball before i end up giving up all together.

10 things

2006-08-21T21:35:00.000-04:00

10 things i've realized:

1. i don't sleep nearly enough... it makes me do things like repeat myself when i'm speaking, drop stuff, break things, and repeat myself.
2. guys loooove long hair on Black girls...
3. i can no longer trust the judges on Project runway to make sound decisions on whom to eliminate.
4. i have a baaaaaad thing for musicians (this is not new news but it could always be reiterated)
5. i am brilliant at procrastinating... especially with packing... and finding a new place to live... (anybody know of any free apartments?)
6. i looooove babies and forget everything that i'm doing when there's one in the viscinity
7. babies love me cuz they ALWAYS start smiling when they get a glimpse of me... it's either that they detect the joy in my eyes... or i make them gassy
8. i like being liked
9. musicians are horribly undependable
10. i don't sleep nearly enough....

so.....

2006-08-11T11:53:00.000-04:00

so the ‘what’s wrong with you’ look has turned into a ‘look at me’ sort of look… like… ‘i’m cool and nonchalant… and i’m staring at you to keep your attention…’ sort of look… and i can’t help it… when i get that look (unless it’s from someone completely repulsive) i have to respond accordingly… with the direct look and casual verbal reply, followed by semi-sleepy eyes and flirty yet innocent smile… oh! and the wave… it’s nothing without the wave… anyways… i’m not at all interested… he’s way young (of course) and much much too skinny (it’s nearly impossible for me to find skinny dudes attractive)… but he’s pretty cool… and flirting is fun.

my friend is getting married tomorrow at my church… i can’t go because i’m gonna be at work… i’m beginning to remember now why i hated working on weekends so much… but oh well… money is money…..

on a very good note, i have 2 more classes (not courses) left and then i’m absolutely officially done!! i’m still not walking… but i still want my party! ahem… chi… ahem… ahem.......

2006-08-07T17:34:00.000-04:00

i keep waiting for God to ruin my life... like one day i’ll wake up in a horrible depression wanting to kill myself for all the pain i’m in... or i’ll look around me one day and realize that i’ve lost everything or haven’t accomplished anything with my gifts... i keep waiting to go completely broke so that my life can no longer be comfortably sustained... see...

i need God to ruin my life... so He can prove to me He’s real...

i’ve believed that trusting in God to take care of me will keep me... i’ve believed that if i pray regularly and fast when necessary, that i’ll accomplish much... i’ve believed that if i give 10 percent of my wages to God, that i’ll always have what i need, and otherwise, i would lose everything... i’ve believed that the more i learn the Word of God, the less confused about life i’d become...

unfortunately, in this current phase of doubt and skepticism... in my not depending on Him... in my not praying or making conscious effort to set time aside to communicate with God... in my not tithing... in my never studying the Bible... i’ve found, unfortunately, that my life continues to be sustained...

i can’t imagine why God isn’t tearing my life to pieces... especially since i so fervently long for Him to show Himself, His ways, my former stalwart beliefs to be real and true... i want Him to prove that life falls apart without Him... because though i doubt much... i really truly WANT to believe... i’m like... standing on His porch right outside of His door just waiting for the first inkling of a storm... the first drop on my head... the first warm rumble of thunder... anything... anything to give me an excuse to ring the doorbell......

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so i went to church yesterday... i could pick apart all the stuff that i had issues with, and all the things that i found kinda fake and insincere, but the truth is... i think there were probably enough good things to warrant my not being cynical and tearing it apart... i was fairly comfortable on sunday... more than usual... except that i had to leave all early cuz i had to get to work... it was funny... once i left early service, i saw that my friend, who also attends the church, was calling me... i didn't check the message until later tho... she was sincerely asking me to come to second service with her that day... it was sweet that she cares so much about me... but it kinda pissed me off that its the third week in a row that i've told her i work during the second service... she does the same thing on saturdays too!

so yeah... i pressed my hair saturday night... i would have gone to get it done, but i usually get charged extra since i have soooo much... it's really long too...

so something happens to guys when i press my hair... like, my coworker, who usually spends much of the day half yelling at me and making me feel stupid, was extra calm and kinda sweet yesterday... wieeeeerd... and another one commented on how cool my hair was every time he saw me that day... it's like my straightened hair has super powers... i'm curious to see how this story develops...

2006-08-04T22:43:00.000-04:00

okay, so the reason that i am the absolute worst at updating my blog is cuz i don't have internet at home...

and then i'm hardly ever on the school campus seeing as how i've graduated!!!

well... practically graduated... i still have to finish my p.e. class... but i just show up to play tennis 4 more times and i as good as have a degree!

i got a new job... in a cafe... i love it! i love my coworkers... as different as their personalities are, i love them all... i love the interaction with people... even if it is just to take orders... i even love washing the dishes...

i think something's wrong with me... my mom always thought so... i have no drive to make large amounts of money... as long as i'm just making it, then i'm okay... i'm so low maintenance, if i were a building... you wouldn't even need a landlord... *man! i'm so corny!*

so life in educational and fiscal respects is okay... spiritual is another story... somewhere deep inside of me i feel like i need to get myself together seeing as how i still def plan on going to seminary next fall... but who knows when... my friends whom i've told about my problem don't even want to mention it cuz it's too much for them... and i totally understand cuz i can barely stand it myself...

i wonder if this is how my mother's contempt for God grew... i wonder if i'm doomed to the same fate... nothing is really trying to turn it around........

i'd pray... but..... come on.......

2006-04-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

i am so exhausted i don’t know what to do... i have a tendency to clog my schedule with activities all at one period in time... it’s rehearsal until 11... then it’s choir rehearsal until 12... then laundry until 1... the next day recording studio until 11 30/ slumber party until 5?... then the next day it’s dance rehearsal from 6 30 to 9 30... then it’s studio again... tomorrow i have to dance at both services starting with 6 am sunrise... i don’t know if i can make it... no, i will... but then i have something else on tuesday... i guess i’ll be knocked out all of monday then...

anyways... i'm dreading going home on sunday... i know my mom is pissed at me and i just hope if i stay in my book, that she won’t have too much to say...

on another note... i am actually really looking forward to easter sunday sermon... palm sunday was AWESOME... the message was so good and 4 people went up to get saved or rededicate their lives... it was so beautiful... shocking however, considering that the subject of the sermon was ‘Jesus needs your ass’... the scripture reference was matthew 21:1-3... see if you can figure that one out...

who will go?

2006-04-12T16:17:00.000-04:00

so i've started studying again... i was afraid that i'd forgotten everything, but i'm surprised by how much i remember... anyways, i plan to get some commentaries and other Bible suplements from different sources so that i can get a full historican and contextual view of what i'm reading...

i have so much going on... i should be able to graduate (walk) in the summer time... and then i'll have my diploma and i'll be off to the real world... i've been looking into some jobs and my mom just told me about an internship program... interfaith? something or other...

i've also got to figure out what i'm goin to do about my group... it seems we've been in high demand since the very beginning... we've sung so many places so many times and now we're actually in a studio and about to do a concert... i'll have to give details later... i just worry about losing focus... i want the main goal to always stay in the front... that we're together to minister... to grow close to God and eachother and to manifest the products of our growth through song... we're 'bout to go on a serious fast y'all...

but back to academics... it seems like i'm looking to do everything but apply to school... why? why come so far and just stop trying? i think i'm scared... i KNOW i'm scared... to move away from everyone and everything... i've never been super independant, so to just pick up and go is hard for me to fathom...

prayerfully... hopefully... everything will be okay...

2006-04-06T18:13:00.000-04:00

i just don't like the way it feels... like i'm separated from God because of my doubt... not like God is punishing me because of it, but more like... i'm missing what i felt because i'm not indulging in Him the way i used to... and the reason i'm not, is because i doubt...

it stinks... because i want to worship Him so bad... i want to feel like i'm being led by Him... i want to recognize the millions of wonderful spectacular things that He does for me... i want to be able to think of Him all the time without feeling hurt... i want to study the Bible with a heart that knows for sure that He won't allow me to be betrayed with lies...

i've come to the conclusion that i need to stop being so dramatic... i never stopped believing in God so communion with Him should never have been lacking... if anything it should have been more considering i so desperately needed answers... anyways... i miss God... i really do... so i've decided to seek sincerity while seeking Him... it's possible to do both...

i've also decided that i really need to get on the ball... yes, i'm graduating, but not walking... i really really really don't want to, but of course mom wants me to... i just don't wanna deal with it... MAIL ME MY DIPLOMA SO I CAN BE THROUGH WITH ALL THIS!!! that's all i really need... but whatever... it's too late to apply for graduation this semester, so i'ma hafta tell mom that if she wants to see me walk, she's gonna have to wait until the summer time...

but oh yes... if i don't pay tuition this semester, i'm not getting a diploma at all... so, uh... God? here's a good opportunity to restore my faith... (i'm kidding... really, just kidding)

i want it to get better but it keeps getting worse...

2006-03-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

oh, that i could only know where God lived... then i could go find Him and plead my case...

the thing is... i’m not driven by doubt... i’m driven by a real desire to do what’s right... i think about how much we learn about how we should be... from people... and from the Bible, which was written by people... no doubt inspired by the most High... but still...

people, no matter how mature in Christ... no matter how righteous and sincere... are still fallible... we still have such limited knowledge in comparison to God... so no man can tell me everything... and many righteous men have told me so many conflicting things that they can all back up and they’ve all made such perfect sense to me... at one point in life...

i wanna just come to the conclusion that i’ll never know all that i’m supposed to know, and that my life should just be doing what i think is best and constantly seeking God for what He wants from me... but i don’t wanna waste my time on earth... i don’t wanna waste my life... His life really... i just don’t know what to do...

it’s frustrating... but anyways...

i got kicked out of my apartment tonight... my roomie’s sorority is over with the new line for a potluck and i can’t find out who they are yet, so i had a choice between staying locked in my room or just leaving altogether... so i left... but it turned out pretty good... we don’t have a computer, so it’s nice to be able to update my blog and talk to friends on instant messenger... especially chi... i miss her so much it doesn’t make sense!

but anyway, the sheer craziness takes my mind off this struggle... which i really need right now... last gospel choir rehearsal i broke down crying... cuz i was repulsed by the prayer! it was so riddled with the usual Christian cliches that i couldn’t take it seriously... and then i cried cuz i never thought i’d see the day when prayer would disgust me...

it’s not the prayer tho... it just hurts me that sincerity is lost so easily... and that once it’s lost, it’s nearly impossible to find...

doubting

2006-02-01T13:11:00.000-05:00

i didn’t think it would ever happen... i knew from my rebirth that something like this would never ever occur... not to me... i’m a good girl... i’m forever faithful...

but it has... i guess no one’s really immune... it’s partly God’s fault anyway... He made me this way... always questioning, challenging... this is a result of my just trying to get closer to Him... to know Him for who He really is! who knew it would lead to this... to... questioning my faith... not like this... not to this extent...

don’t get me wrong... i believe in God... i believe in Jesus and in His message of love... i believe in miracles and the spiritual world... i believe in God’s sovereignty and power and benevolence... but the extent of the deity of Christ... the purity of the Word... i’m not so sure.... i mean i believe it’s all important and usable... but how much of what i was taught Christianity was, is actually just a fabrication of the powerful business church structure? how much is culture and how much is actually what God wants from us? i don’t know...

on one hand, i really want to talk to somebody about it... but on the other, i can’t really see any good coming from it... i don’t know who i could talk to...

the truly spiritual would severely chastise me for my doubt... they’d say it was the devil... they’d lay hands on me and rebuke me in Jesus’ name... then they’d tell me to believe just because i was supposed to... that was faith... but it doesn’t clarify anything for me...

the unbelievers would say... ‘see... this is what i’ve been saying all along... God is a willful fabrication of man’s mind to make him feel more comfortable with life and death’... but i don’t believe God is dead or not real... He’s real... and i’m no looking for anyone to convince me otherwise...

the struggling in faith would say... ‘i never really thought about it like that... i think you may have a point... that all makes so much sense...’ and God forbid i be responsible for the loss of someone else’s faith... i don’t know if i’m right or wrong... i’m not looking for confirmation for my ‘theories’ or for someone to tell me i’m right... i want truth...

the problem is, in the meantime i feel like such a fake... i go to church and worship God and mentor youth and interact with ministers and pastors, my friends... all the while knowing that if they only knew what was going on in my mind..........

i don’t know... i kinda wanna talk to my friend, L... he was the first to encourage me to go to seminary... i feel like if i can trust anyone to not hate me, and then give me a truly objective opinion or advice, it would be him... but i still don’t know... i just don’t.

the life and times...

2006-01-30T17:49:00.000-05:00

*i’m trying to get my life together... i think the best thing for me right now would be to get someone to do that for me... you know... like a living day planner...

*i’m studying music theory now... not in any class or anything... just with an old book that my roommate gave me... i’ve been in it day and night as if my life depended on it... actually, it does... my goals depend on it anyway...

i’m the type of person where if i want to learn how to do something, i’m going to learn to do it... that’s why i can do so much... if i can’t get someone to teach me i learn it on my own... shoot.... i learned to fix toilets by reading the encyclopedia!

*my friends are crazy... they are so pressed to get me married that it doesn’t make any sense... me... i’m not sure i’m feeling marriage right now... i kinda have too much on my plate and i wanna enjoy every bit of it without having to worry about anyone else... right now i come and go when i please, talk to whomever i please, hang with whomever i please... it’s just lovely...

my friends however, seem to think otherwise so (behind my back) they signed me up for online personals... they wrote the profile... even propagated conversations with a couple of guys... typically, this is how a convo with my friend went:

bc: hey... ‘d’ wrote you back...
me: wrote me back? did i write him?
bc: yeah, we liked his profile... he’s good...
me: ‘we’?... okay...
bc: so yeah, this is what he wrote: ‘hey... and so on and so on...’
me: hmmm... okay, that’s not too bad...
bc: good... and this is what you wrote in response.....
me: WHAT?!

she’s married... so i think she’s using me as an cover to flirt with guys online... oh the madness...

2006-01-17T18:30:00.000-05:00

so i had a dream where my aunt told me that my mom was saying that i need to get out of her house... in my dream, my sentiment was like, ‘what?! no kidding!' i think i’ve spent the majority of my school life avoiding that house like it was the plague.

i’m starting to realize more than ever that this is my life... i don’t have to listen to what my parents tell me to do. granted they have life experience, but if they truly knew everything i’m sure their lives would be just right. the point is... nobody understands me like i understand me... and nobody knows what’s best for my life better than God. so as sound as moms’ advice may seem, it’s not her life that i’m trying to live... and that life is one that is clearly in conflict with what i know God wants from me... talk about ‘choose ye this day whom you will serve...’

this would mean instead of diligently looking for a job, i should be diligently attempting to finish my applications for seminary... even though my mom is breathing down my back... HARD... it’s like a tornado back there... i mean, i know in my heart that the job search doesn't feel right... it's like i KNOW what i 'm supposed to be doing right now, but i'm letting parent pressure push me the wrong way...

oh well... if i’m gonna do what i’m gonna do then i need to get to work and stop playing around with... God’s life.

i thought my ideas were heretical...

2006-01-05T12:40:00.000-05:00

check this out

whether you believe in Him or not, i think you can learn much from Him.

the problem i have with some atheists is not their unbelief... they can believe or not believe whatever they want... no big deal...

my issue is the fervent, almost spiteful energy that's put into disproving God's existence... the thing is Christianity... the basic gist of it... is simply to love... love yourself and love others... granted many Christians miss this basic fact and start killing the infidels and reforming so called 'savage' culture and beating each other over the head with Bibles and crosses and things, but that doesn't change what Christ was really about...

so what does it gain to try and disprove Him? to take Him away is to take away His message... and His example... and we can't afford to do that... it takes time to get love right... it's been around 2000 since His birth and look at us... we still haven't got the hang of it...

yes, we Christians push our message with the same fervency sometimes... not always motivated by the right thing... but ultimately sharing Christ means sharing humility, respect, and love my question is... pushing doubt and disbelief...

what love is there in it?

ghost

2006-01-04T18:03:00.000-05:00

i've been hiding from everybody since sunday... suddenly i didn't feel like talking to or meeting with anyone... i just wanted to be alone...

so many people have called that i really want to talk to, but i can't seem to make myself answer the phone... i don't know what it is... maybe i just need solitary time...

i've also been talking a lot more to God... praying i guess you would call it... me and Him are having some issues... but i'm not mad or anything... just a little confused about where our relationship is going... about where i'm going...

i hate being confused... and i have the feeling that talking about it would only make it worse... everybody will have their opinion and then i'll just be left with 1000 more questions to mull over... and frankly, i'm not in the mood

so i do what i usually do... wrap it up inside and figure it out between me and God... in the mean time... i'm ghost...

2005-12-29T13:35:00.000-05:00

job searching can be such a pain... especially when you haven't quite graduated, and the fields that you're interested in have nothing to do with what you actually have experience in...

what can i do tho? i need money...

what really upsets me is how my mom is "helping" me with this... i've told her already that i wanted to go to seminary... and she seemed okay with it. however, in my job searching, she's completely ignoring what i told her my dreams were... she thinks she knows best, and doesn't hear any validity in anything that's outside of her sphere of thought...

"so and so has an excellent job in the medical field... you're a bio major..."
*i hate bio*
"you could teach in schools... they have excellent benefits"
*i'm a terrible teacher, when it's not one-on-one*
"forget about temping... you need a permanent career"
*ummm... i'm planning to go to school soon...*
"a job that you can spend the rest of your life doing... maybe at a hospital or something..."
*i hate bio*

and it goes on and on... we have completely different goals in mind, and while she is actually trying to help me, she's not... her idea of helping is making everybody do what she wants... and she just can't get it through her head that she doesn't know it all...

i mean, i know i don't either... but i don't just completely ignore other folks' point of view or goals when i try to help them...

what to do? sigh...

appreciating the present

2005-12-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

kiki and i went dollar store shopping for everyone on wednesday... i tried to tell her, "before you hit up the malls and name brand stores... see what dollar tree has for you"

don't sleep on dollar stores... they sometimes have surprisingly good stuff... and it's only a dollar!

i'm so glad i was able to put together fairly inexpensive, but nice gifts for my family... i hope they like them... i can honestly say, i'm looking forward to giving gifts more than receiving... nobody's actually asked me what i wanted, so i'm not sure i'm even getting anything... but thas okay... i've never needed much... or asked for much... i just wanna make folks happy

merry Christmas eve, y'all!

Christmas time is here

2005-12-19T13:19:00.001-05:00

Christmas has this amazing way of creeping up so fast. i still need to go shopping. the ever present dilemma is that each year i find myself with less and less money and more and more people to buy for. this becomes an excellent exercise in creativity, because not only do i have to come up with gifts for like 1000 people (which i am notoriously bad at), but i have to find a way to fund all of them. this usually ends up meaning getting expensive looking gifts from various dollar stores (i’m so addicted to dollar stores), re-gifting (don’t judge me, cuz you know you do it too), and sometimes making gifts or giving gifts that shouldn’t be gifts but have to become gifts because i’m broke and everyone knows it... stuff like peanuts... stick a bow on a bag of peanuts and there’s a christmas gift for my grandparents.

when did Christmas become all about the gifts anyway?... i think we could all learn a little something from ‘the grinch that stole Christmas’... except i want my gifts tho...

anyways... i’ve been skipping church for the past couple months... i’m not sure why... i think in my search for my sincerity i needed to separate myself from ‘church’... unfortunately i separated myself from God in the process as well... but His love is still there... thank goodness.

my pastor left our church 1 year ago, and since then we’ve had an interim... he resigned because of ‘dissention’ about a month ago so i’m a little distressed... but what can you do? i went yesterday tho cuz i had to dance... we had a guest preacher who was AWESOME! i’m beginning to think about virginia union for seminary as well... that's where he went... i was hoping to talk to him about it, but i didn’t get the chance... oh well... God lead me... that's the most important thing.

2005-12-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

convo

2005-12-12T18:43:00.000-05:00

me: what’s a docent?

t: ?

t: www.m-w.com will tell u

me: ohhhhhhhhhh... that’s what a docent is... what a stupid name for it...

t: do tell

t: or paste the definition

me: it’s a type of little yellow bird......

me: that eats hair.......

me: and small children......

me: just nibbles away at em......

t: shut up

me: researchers have theorized that they’re the true cause of male pattern baldness

me: you better watch out for them docents...

t: a person who leads guided tours especially through a museum or art gallery

t: u r a riot

me: so i’ve been told......

me: by you......

me: just now

t: or a professor

me: yeah, like i said... a docent is a tour guide, professor, or small carnivorous, hair-eating yellow bird

me: it’s all pretty much the same thing

what happens when passion wanes?

2005-12-08T16:05:00.000-05:00

what happens when your passion wanes?

i keep wondering... am i really ready for seminary? i have this pedestal view of seminary students... one where all i can really see is the tips of the bottoms of their shoes and the contents of their noses... not that i expect them to be stuck up, but i automatically expect them to be perfect... so when i think about how i’ll soon be one of them, it frightens me... because i’m not perfect... because i’m so helplessly flawed.....

then i remember... we’re all people... nobody’s perfect... not even them... pastors aren’t perfect... we expect them to be, which is why we die when we hear one of em cursin in the parkin lot or talkin bout baby mama drama... whatever... nobody’s really right...

shoot... i’ve had a bible study with my friends (one of whom was goin to seminary as well) that was so insanely enlightening and spirit-filling... and once it was over and all the ‘geeks’ left, they pulled out the liquor... (they made me kool-aid since i don’t drink)... and i remember thinking, ‘is this okay?’

but why not? none of us were underage and drinking isn’t sin... it’s just that it doesn’t fit into my image of a seminary student... you know... one who reads the bible all day and never drinks or eats anything fattening... they wear preppy sweaters and collar shirts (that’s the style now, though), but they wear them with long skirts or corduroy slacks... they never curse, never think wayward thoughts, never wanna be outside of God’s presence...

what then? i curse... i think plenty wayward thoughts... sometimes i straight up avoid praying cuz i’m tryin to watch family guy on cartoon network! am i ready? am i ready? am i ready?

but seminary is not the destination... heaven is... nobody’s perfect... not even there... so i don’t have to be...

explain to me what sincerity is...

2005-12-07T15:05:00.000-05:00

i’m supposed to be participating in this week long fast and prayer thing... problem is, i’ve been really fakin on my spiritual exercises... i’ve been praying, but only in the car and stuff... not the most sincere prayers... and i haven’t set aside quiet time for me and God in a long long time... i convince myself that that doesn’t make me less worthy to pray... it doesn’t make my prayers worth less to God... and He always finds a way to snap me out of that habit anyway...

the other night when it was snowing, i was craving junk food so badly that i went to the store in the snow, even though i had very little gas in my car and even though my windshield was completely obstructed by snow and i don’t have a windshield wiper on the back (what’s that about?) and even though my tires are bald...

so i went to the store and there were GREAT sales on junk food... cookies, chips, crackers... all sorts of stuff... so i mulled over how much i wanted to spend and what was the best value and what i was most likely to enjoy, but least likely to finish in one sitting... i finally settled on a $2 box of cheezits...

so i left the store to find that it was only drizzling slightly... while i was cleaning off the snow from my windshield, this guy started approaching me... i wasn’t worried though... despite the many many years of my mother’s conditioning to teach me that i should be afraid of everyone at all times... even in the day time... even if i’ve known them for years...

anyway, he goes, ‘ma’am! ma’am! can i help you with that?’

i said, ‘no’ cuz i really didn’t need help...

he asks again... ‘the reason i ask is because i’m trying to pick up any little bit of cash that i can... i went to the shelter and they were out of room and food, so i just wanted to get some coffee...’

i still didn’t need help though, so i said, ‘i don’t need help... i got this..... but i’ll still give you a dollar when i’m done...’ i didn’t have much change after i’d left the store... i asked if he wanted some bread cuz the rest of what i had was frozen...

he said, ‘any little bit helps’...

as i went to get the dollar out of my car, i saw the box of cheez its that i’d been craving... i figured those would keep better than bread so i gave those to him... he said, ‘thanx and God bless you...’

i said, ‘God bless you as well...;

i could’ve felt pretty satisfied with myself, but i didn’t... i felt stupid... i felt like i wish i could’ve given more... something more useful, like a home, a job, a hot cooked meal, something more important than... cheezits... but it was all i had...

i also thought about all the other times homeless people had approached me and i only gave spare change so they would leave me alone... or i ignored them completely... what made me so giving tonight? would i do the same thing tomorrow?

what all that did remind me of was how much i had to appreciate... and i prayed a sincere prayer of thanx to God... there but for the grace of God go i...

when will they ever learn?

2005-12-05T21:50:00.000-05:00

when will they ever learn that the way to get out of class early is to keep your mouth shut...

i have a class that’s basically discussion based... we read stuff... go to class and... well... talk...

it lasts for 2 and a half hours until about 10pm... or whenever we’ve said all that needs saying...

so today, we talked until about 9 pm and i just knew that we’d be getting out early... but NOOOOO... here come the questions...

so when’s our next assignment due?

what’s it supposed to be about?

how long should it be?

okay so for my essay i should write about what?

so we should turn it in how?

and the essay is about.....?

and 40 minutes later, we were dismissed... oh well... i’m gettin an A, so i guess i can deal...

reading rainbow was never like this

2005-11-28T18:27:00.000-05:00

so last night i had a dream... it started off like the end of an episode of reading rainbow... then went terribly awry......

so levar burton had just finished his ending speech and then the scene panned upwards as if i were behind a camera... then i was in some sort of upstairs nook that had a bedroom in the middle and a bathroom on the side...

so i started choking so i couldn’t breathe well and so i went to the bathroom and took the trash can from underneath the sink and started pulling huge wads of paper towels out of my mouth... so big that i could hardly fit my fingers into my mouth to take them out...

then as i finally release them and throw them into the trash, while i’m drooling and slobbering all over (like when the dentist takes the cotton out of your mouth) i look over and find that i’m no longer in a bathroom... but in a bedroom... and who’s in the bed that’s right next to the sink? levar burton... watching me being gross!

so i’m really startled and embarrassed, but then i realize that he’s sleeping with his eyes open... so i move up close to him... and he has really pretty hazel eyes... well actually only one of them was... the other was kinda greenish gray and looked like glass...

anyway... he suddenly wakes up and grabs my arm and tells me to go to sleep... so i do... (there’s another twin bed sitting parallel to his)... so when i wake up i go to sit on the floor in front of his bed... (who knows why?)...

then he wakes up and touches my shoulders and grabs my arm and starts kissing it... (eeeewwwwwwwww)... and i was so disgusted that this old head that i didn’t know was kissing me and then my mother called my name and i woke up foreal...

except she hadn’t called me... i just dreamt that she did, but it sounded so real in my dream it was enough to wake me... so even after all that craziness i woke up calling ‘yes?!’ to nobody that was standing outside my door... weird... and slightly gross...

chi’s dreams are crazy and quite amusing... mine are straight up disturbing...

2005-11-16T18:54:00.000-05:00

i’m worn out... what on earth is up... i think i need time to meditate... to adjust to life at this point... to process all that’s goin on and goin wrong... to plan for the future... to understand my present... to be without distraction, the on purpose and the not on purpose kind...

life is too complicated to not sit back and sort out every once in a while... otherwise it quickly turns into a mess... much like my room... too often i let it get to a point where you literally can’t see the floor... (my roommates and mother can testify)... yeah... i think tomorrow will be designated my meditation day... but probably i should clean my room first.

real

2005-11-07T11:14:00.000-05:00

God invested so much in me... gifts, talents, knowledge, life... eventually, He’s gonna make a demand on His investment...

i actually wake up in the morning and say to myself... ‘if i don’t pray and study, then i’m gonna have trouble today...’

then i make the conscious decision that i’ll take the days’ trouble because i don’t feel like praying... because sponge bob square pants or xena, warrior princess is on already, and i really wanna see what happens with squidbert and ares... *you know you watch them too*

that’s not okay...

what i really want... what i really really desire is a real relationship with God... i want to want Him, not because I’m in trouble... not because i want to feel holy... but because i love Him...

i don’t want to force myself beyond what i feel like doing because i don’t want trouble, but because i really love God and so i want to talk with Him and learn Him more...

strip away the consequences of disobedience... strip away the recognition gained from pious action... i want to crave Him for love only.

maybe He speaks through...

2005-11-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

i was about to withdraw from school today... i think... but then as i was on my way, one of my teachers called me... she had arranged for a group of us to sing at a nearby church on sunday and was calling to confirm how many of us there were and a few other things...

then she goes, ‘how’s the financial thing?’

i say, ‘it’s the same... i still don’t have any money.......’ i couldn’t think of what else to say...

she goes, ‘whatever it seems like, your tuition will be paid, just have faith... it might not be until the end of the semester, just keep trusting.’ she said, ‘keep going with school as if there’s not a problem... everything will work out fine.’

i’m inclined to listen to her considering i hadn’t told her what i was planning to do and i hadn’t spoken to her about my finances for a while... and she just happened to call on the day... well... we’ll see...

and i dont know what it is... but for the third time today this is happening to me... this thing where my heart starts beating all hard and fast so that i can hear it in my ears... and my chest starts to hurt and get tight and i start struggling to breathe... and i get kinda dizzy... i’m hoping that it’s nothing and that it’ll just stop happening... mainly cuz i hate doctors... but i’m not trying to pass out today either....

2005-10-31T14:28:00.000-05:00

too often i feel like i can get away with skating along on His grace. I forget to pray one day and forget to study the next, but to me, it’s okay because He loves me and will continue to sustain me. and even as i continue to forget my responsibility to and desire for communion with Him, i continue to feed myself the lie that everything will still be alright. and as things begin to fall to pieces, and the basic needs that i expect Him to provide fall further and further from my reach, i foolishly, in denial, call it a trial, that my God, will surely deliver me from. then things get so hard i dread for the next day to come. but it still does and in my "righteousness" i call it grace, even though its harder and harder to shield my face from my shame, and from the pain that grows ever greater with each gracious day. meanwhile i have bills to pay, tasks to take care of and hunger to feed, but no money, focus, or meat. things that were great before suddenly just won’t work out the same. visions that were God-breathed suddenly grow asthmatic as the flow of blessings is constricted by my strife. and while the attack continues, i call myself holy for having faith enough to get through the trial, knowing full well that that’s all bile, for i know the source of this famine and it’s not a test. i daily fail to dedicate my time to Him and His Word and stubbornly and wantonly call myself blessed. mistakenly, and maybe with a human righteousness, the consequences of my fault are turned to the trial of the consecrated, and that’s not right. i let myself fade and suffer and hang on to the grace that won’t let me die until it’s stretched like taffy, all the while hoping and hoping that by my pulling each day that i fail in my duties, it doesn’t stretch the lifeline too thin that it will snap. i know that every night and morning and all in between, i need to call out to God for restoration. it won’t come by wishing but only by contrition and repentance and prayer. i chose to walk in my foolishness and the effects are real, but if i’m right with God, there’s nothing he won’t heal under His sun.

how do you not worry?

2005-10-26T12:43:00.000-04:00

so after all this, i'm finally doing well in school... but i might have to drop out...

i can't pay for it... and financial aid is really not trying to give me any money...

i have 75 cents... i have 1 cup of noodles and a can of soup... and the end slices to a loaf of bread... i also have a can of tuna fish, some peanut butter and a little jelly left... if i only eat 1 meal twice a day, then that can last me 3 days... and you can live 3 days without eating at all so at least i'll see another week...

maybe if anybody actually remembered my birthday (you excluded, chi- thanx for the very early b-day song)... and if anyone had time to celebrate it, i would have some leftover party food to last some time...

i however, am working til the wee hourse of the night so i prolly won't even remember it myself...

oh well... if i starve to death by next week, i won't have to worry about tuition...

i have so much work to do... i require books for this work... but i don't have money to buy those books... how's that one gonna work out?

and why did the cable guy try to chat me up the other day... i mean... he was NOT TRYIN' TO LEAVE!!! i'm afraid he might start stalkin me... and i'm sure he's like 35... geesh!

i try to stay encouraged but it's not easy... i try to not worry, but that's getting harder and harder to do without becoming complacent...

well... life could be harder... *God, please don't make it harder*

i get bored

2005-09-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

i’m particularly bored right now... i’m not quite sure what that’s about...

oh yeah... probably the fact that i have nothing to do.....

what’s so especially remarkable about that comment, is that the reason i have nothing to do, is because i’ve done everything... my school work is caught up... my extracurricular work is caught up... i have left to do...

since when do i do my work?

hmmm... must be the spinach

so so sad

2005-09-19T11:09:00.000-04:00

you know... i was just thinking how much i missed rooming with chi...

late night conversations about an endless stream of drama...
late night im-ing with all the objects of her affection...
late night dance parties in the hallway to huckabucks or junkyard band...
late night with conan obrien...

it was all wonderful...

what brought on all this nostalgia? i don't know... i mean, i love my current roomie; she's great... but she's never home when i'm home... and when she is, she's in her room... i need someone to hang with... just another body in my presence...

oh well... *sigh*

i spoke with jk the other night... about... (what else?) music... he's insanely brilliant on the keys... i'm so sure that i've said this before... because he's insanely brilliant on the keys...

i was thinking about why i've never heard of him having a girl before... he's really really sweet... sometimes girls think they don't like that, but they really do... i mean, if i were to be totally honest, he is sort of a dork... but he's a sexy dork... a sexy dork who's brilliant on the keys... girls should be all over him! shoot, guys should be all over him! either he's missing the signals or it's something else...

i'm a fairly observant person and can usually tell what's going on with folks by watching them... i've observed him around girls and there's always this weird uncomfortable vibe... i can't pinpoint quite what it is, but it's always there... sad really, cuz he's such a cool kid... when he's chill... you know... just being himself... plus... he's sexy...

so so sad...

2005-09-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

so i just came from the chair of the music department... originally i was going to propose an alternate set of courses with a project in order to finish out the music minor in a year... but then i decided just to stick with afam...

so here’s what happened:

chair: so what’s your situation?

me: i want to minor in music, but i’d have to finish it in a year...

chair: what are your plans?

me: i’m trying to go to seminary for music, but i need some basic foundation cuz i’ve never had formal classes in theory...

chair: do you have the list of minor requirements on you?

me: yup

chair: what have you taken?

me: ensemble, this music history course, no theory...

(she mulls over the requirements for a few seconds)
chair: how ‘bout you do this? and take this one... and this one would be good for what you’re trying to do... there you go...

me: i’ve noticed you’ve neglected about half of the usual requirements for music minors

chair: yeah...

me: is that okay?

chair: what are talking about?! i’m the frickin chair! now let’s go make this happen...

can i just say that she’s the best person in the world...

so pending action to make this happen includes setting up lessons with a professor for this and next semester and attempting to get into another class for this semester which will potentially be difficult since the last day to add was wednesday...

oh well... i asked God to open and close doors and apparently that’s what He’s doing... if it’s meant to be, it will be... if not then it won’t... and i’ll accept it either way... that’s faith...

now i just have to trust that faith will pay my tuition... because i definitely haven’t paid it yet... but i'm sure it'll work out...

but really tho? whas goin on?

2005-09-13T15:42:00.000-04:00

i’ve been sort of mulling about what God’s plans could possibly be for me in the midst of my many many mistakes and screw ups... i mean... how's He really gonna fix this? i ask Him every morning to close doors to paths that i shouldn’t take, and open doors to where i should be... and every day he closes another door... closes them until all options that i’ve thought of are shut off...

i just came from the office of the head of my department... an exception can’t be made for me... because i failed my core class... that’s the one that i must must take in order to get a degree... then i must must be here next semester...

the questions...

1. should i withdraw from this semester and just finish up next semester? that way i could get a job and make some money to pay for all my books and tuition... oh yes... tuition was definitely due on the 5th and i definitely have not paid a cent...

2. should i look to minor in something else? there’s nothing else i could minor in that wouldn’t take me more than 2 semesters... so i’m not sure that makes sense...

3. should i go part time each semester? it would be expensive with all the extra fees, but it would leave me more free time to work to pay off my bills...

i don’t know what to do!!! this stinks!!! but all i keep thinking is... there’s a reason for all this... no actually, that’s only about 3% of my brain... the rest is going, ‘this stinks!!!’

oh well... one thing i do know... life is so much more than my problems... there are people in this world enduring much much worse... if i had lost everything that i owned in a flood, or couldn’t find any of my loved ones, would i even be thinking about school?

point is... God is bigger than all i’m dealing with... more than that... He’s faithful and will work it all out...

but still, chi... what do you think i should do?

2005-09-10T18:24:00.000-04:00

okay okay okay... maybe I’m making a big deal out of this... but...

TELL ME WHY when i was walking back to my car from my last class the other day, i started hearing this dude behind me start cursing like a mug... *he wasn’t cursing at me or anything, it just caught my attention... * so anyway, i was looking in front of me and there was a group of asians consisting of a chick and two yo-boys... so like... as i walked past them the asian dude that was cursing behind me says to them, he says... ‘what the *expletive* is up?! what y’all niggaz about to do?’

!!!?WHAT?!!!

so i felt my legs suddenly begin slowing to a halt... which was weird because i didn’t tell them to do that... and then pause briefly and then keep walking...

i assumed that this was my legs giving my brain and my tongue the opportunity to consider the various ways of how to handle this situation...

see... I’m not one of those people that’s all too fond of when Black folks call other Black folks ‘niggaz’... so you can imagine how i felt about this...

although i don’t necessarily agree with it... i can completely understand Black folks owning the horribly derogatory term in order to make it less potent in the mouths of those who would attempt to dehuminize them... but tell me... what concerning that term does a preppy asian Black-boy-wanna-be have to own?!

so in these few seconds i decided to turn around, walk up to them and ask, ‘what did you just say?!’

sike naw, i didn’t do that... but i knew i could’ve gotten away with it since it’s a known fact that yo-boys of any color are afraid of Black women with swervy necks... but i decided against it anyway since i wasn’t sure that i would be able to contain my urge to curse them out... *which RARELY happens... but you wouldn’t wanna be there for it*...

so no... i just walked to my car... i mean... am i over exaggerating? i don’t think so... and for those of you who think i am... well all y’all niggaz can............ jes playing *wink wink*

i could've graduated twice by now!

2005-09-09T10:05:00.000-04:00

so this is the deal... i should have one more semester of classes left before i can graduate... that would make it... ummm... 6 and a half years to complete undergrad...

surprisingly, i know like 9 other people whose undergrad careers took that long or longer! and what makes that so amazing is that i’m actually not exaggerating.

in any case, i could graduate, if it weren’t for that one class... it’s a core requirement for my minor, and the guy who usually teaches it is on SABBATICAL! who told you that you could go away when i was so close to graduating!? huh?! not me!!!

oh well... since i really don’t want to stay in this pit for any longer, i’m meeting with the head of the department today... hopefully... i left a note in his mailbox...

as long as while he’s pulling out all his other important mail, the note that i left on a piece of scrap paper that looks like the bits they leave in libraries for you to write call numbers on... as long as that doesn’t tumble to the ground and get stuck to the bottom of somebody’s shoe and through a wonderfully whimsical series of events, end up in china or in a chijuajua? chihuahua? chi-wa-wa? how the heck do you spell that? oh well... in a 'dog-rat’s' belly... then prayerfully i’ll be fine...

i’m especially encouraged today however, because i just realized that people really love me... like they REALLY do... my friend, chris, called me this morning just to tell me that i really encourage and inspire her... i was all like, ‘AWWWWWWW’... and she was all like, ‘it’s true!’... and i was all like,’i know!!!’ ... i have the best friends in the world.

now if i can just get one of those people that love me to be a tall sexy God-fearing man... then i’ll be good to go!

ferrous sulfate

2005-09-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

i need to quit it with these disappearing acts... it’s getting ridiculous...

so i’m back at school... in a completely different new mindset...

did i mention that the past 5 years of my school life was horribly tainted, not by a restlessness due to unfulfilled passions, but a horribly severe nutritional deficiency...

like... my mind wasn’t constantly wandering because my desires lied elsewhere than biology study...

and my limbs started working at ¼ it’s normal force, not because of emotional strain and depression...

and my head didn’t feel like someone was continuously beating me in the face with a 2 x 4, because of the deep thought that went into discovering what i truly wanted from life...

my nails weren’t caving in from stress...

i wasn’t always tired because, for whatever reason, 13 -14 hours of sleep was no longer enough...

it was all a dumb anemia... i should’ve known something was up when standing up became a task that took my breath away as if i’d run a marathon... but whatever... i know now... i’m taking my nutritional supplements and it’s made all the difference in the world...

so i’m in introductory chem lab for the 3rd time... and for the 2nd time in a row, i got some young buck African boy trying to chat me up... oh how i prayed he wouldn’t be my partner, cuz i didn’t wanna deal with that the whole semester... and my wonderful TA came thru again and sent him across the room to partner with some other dude...

and i also found out they eliminated lab reports this time around! before we had to do a pre-writeup AND a post-writeup... so every week we’d be turning in two different reports... well... all the other students would... i didn’t do jack... but this time that’s okay! life is sooooo looking up... and so's my red blood cell count...

number 1

2005-07-08T14:17:00.000-04:00

nobody loves me! no no... i know that’s not true... i just hate entering into my email account and finding that no one has sent me anything... whatever...

so i’ve been out of commission for a minute... so much has happened...

number one:
i was in a car accident... involving myself, a parking lot on a rainy night... and a pole... the pole was probably drunk... my face was damaged pretty bad, but my spirits weren’t...

‘oh my God! it’s a pole!’, he emt shouted as he wheeled me through the hospital to my room... he knew he could say something so tacky, cuz i’d been joking with him before... it was all good...

after much painful recovery, i no longer look like a monster... i’m back to normal now, short of a few scars that i pray will heal, but aren’t even that bad anyway...

my vehicle is gone, however... i got a new one... a tiny one in comparison to the van i was driving before... i'm still getting used to being so low to the ground...

but gas! how wonderful... i put 4 dollars in my tank and it filled like half of it! usually it took 30 something dollars to fill the other... and that was when gas was only 2 bucks a gallon!

i really mean it this time... i'm dropping out...

2005-05-24T12:34:00.000-04:00

Mark 8:36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

tell me why i saw a lady changing her clothes in a church parking lot yesterday!! she parked on the side... opened her door... stood behind it... and me, my roommate, and another girl from our choir saw her pants fall under the door, and a dress go on... WHAT?!... then we saw her again inside, directing the choir.....i thought i was bold in the realm of ghettoness, but that’s a whole new level...

so i guess i am going to st. thomas after all... i wasn’t planning on going... i hadn’t raised nearly enough money... but the choir director bought my ticket for me... it’s already paid for... so i have to go... i just have to tell my boss, my mom, my public defender...

God is ordering my steps... i don’t doubt... my friend, d, told me the other day after he calmly asked if he would see me in the fall and i erupted in a chorus of very loud, ‘OH LAWWWWDD!!!’ s.... he told me if everyone says that i need to prioritize my activities and place art below school... but my soul dies when i do... then it’s pretty obvious what i need to do... but he’s been telling me from the beginning to change my major and do music...

if i forget every obstacle, circumstance, and outside influence... what i want... what i really, really, want... is to quit science... and study music and the Word, and throw myself into ministry...

John 15:7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

.....

2005-05-19T13:48:00.000-04:00

i went to court yesterday... they said i could get up to a year in jail... imagine! i didn’t do anything intentionally wrong... but i could be jailed for it...

but i had no lawyer, so the judge postponed the case... i had to go back today to get an appointment with the public defender... it’s next tuesday...

5 people know that i’m dealing with this... only one knows what i did... my roommate, teachers, and closest friends don’t even understand why my stomach is tied in knots... and they don’t realize that worry has turned my soul a darker shade... that my mind is so preoccupied with vindication, that everything else, as serious as it may be, pales in comparison and fades into lesser priorities...

i appreciate my rights... i appreciate freedom... i expect exoneration.

can it be resurrected?

2005-05-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

God has opened up so many opportunities for me in music and art and ministry... but school... school feels dead...

“if school is dead... let it stay dead!”

i’d love to, TIA...

i think stress is actually killing me... sunday, i had to dance at both services at my church... once the first dance was over and i exited the stage to the back room so i could rest, i got all hot and sweaty... like, beyond i’ve-just-expended-a-large-amount-of-energy hot and sweaty... this was a fever...

“i have to go home!”, i started screaming... but the other dancers wouldn’t let me... knowing that if i went home, i wouldn’t be back to dance at 11...

so i went to sit outside... it was freezing outside that day and all i was wearing was a t-shirt... so why was i still hot and sweating profusely?

it was too much after a while... i was determined to go home... i stumbled over to grab my keys and my purse, leaving my jacket, knowing that my fever would keep me from getting cold... and i struggled to get to the door... but didn’t make it...

i collapsed on the floor in pain and sweating, wanting to cry, but not able to...

“i want to go home!”, i whimpered in futility, as the others told me once again to go back outside... so i got on my hands and knees to push myself up though i was dizzy...

when suddenly i found the strength to push myself off the floor... probably because of the vomit that was spewing forth from my mouth...

so i stood over the railing of the second floor fire escape, and emptied my stomach onto the concrete below, while nisha, one of the dancers, stood behind me and rubbed my back to comfort me...

(i was surprised by her tenderness... she’s usually very ‘teenager-y’...)

then i rested... and i prepared to dance next service... all that- and i still danced... now THAT’S dedication...

meanwhile, i’m skipping my last two finals, because i’m gonna fail anyway... besides... school is already dead...

favor i didn't ask for

2005-05-17T20:00:00.000-04:00

Proverbs 8: 34 Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.
35 For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD.

“now here are your instructions...”

just when my soul is so beaten down and tired... just when i feel that i’ve messed up so much that God should withdraw His grace from me... He does something like this...

i didn’t ask Him to show me His love, because i already knew He loved me... i didn’t ask Him to show me His compassion, because it’s already so evident... and so He showed me His favor- despite all the stuff i’m enduring, and the confusion, and the fits of hopelessness, He shows me something that i wasn’t even looking for... His true unending favor...

‘how did He do it?’, you ask...

TIA brought me to the store...

“you are to pick out an ENTIRE outfit that you like... don’t ask me anything, don’t say anything to me... just find something you really really want... and DON’T look at any price tags...”

i looked at a few...

after a round or two around the store, i realized that i have no idea how to shop for stuff i like... i usually look at the price tags first and limit my choices from there... that usually does most of the work for me...

so she helped me pick out an outfit... a skirt, two shirts and a sweater... along with two pairs of earrings and a necklace...

i’m not used to having nice clothes... half of my stuff was given to me cuz other people didn’t want it anymore...

she made me leave the store while she paid, so that i wouldn’t get worried about how much she was spending... she even went to the trouble of getting gift receipts...

she forgot to remove the tags though... after dropping her off, i checked the bags and roughly totaled all she bought me today...

it was over $100 worth of clothes...

the thing is... my soul was so beaten that i could barely speak the whole time... and i could barely show her the proper gratitude... if she could only see how much i truly appreciated this... appreciate isn’t even a strong enough word... see, it doesn’t surprise me that God would do such a thing... but for TIA to be obedient and humble enough to do this... i just pray for the day when i can bless others in even greater measure...

timing

2005-05-11T18:58:00.000-04:00

i spent an hour in the fine arts parking lot at my school on the phone with TIA last night... i thought there was choir rehearsal, but after wandering around the building for half an hour and randomly peeking into and opening doors of the usual practice rooms (and setting off a few alarms...) i realized there was none... just as i was in my vehicle and about to leave, she calls me...

so i sat with my door open, enjoying the cool and the dark and the peace of the night...

she really encouraged me... sharing what she’s learned about God’s divine timing in her life... it was a message that was greatly warranted... as i’m facing a situation where i might not graduate as soon as expected... and yet all of creation is eagerly awaiting the revealing of myself in a cap and gown... even me... i feel like i’ve let EVERYONE down... even me...

but one thing TIA said, was that things don’t always happen in the timing that’s expected... even when something seems looooooooong overdue... and it took some humility on her part to say such a thing, since she was one of the main ones screaming in my ear that i would absolutely be graduating in may, and there was no other alternative...

well... i sure showed her...

or rather God showed her, and He’s continuing to show me... i’m not perfect... i mess up so much on my own, and the best thing i can do is just completely relinquish my life to Him, because i clearly can’t handle it on my own... i need to depend wholeheartedly on God before i’ll be able to complete anything... i just need to learn how...

my mother, ‘THE DEALER’, i like to call her... seems to feel that i need to depend wholeheartedly on drugs... she has me taking this stuff called ‘focalin’...

i was a little worried as i read the instructions... may cause fever, hyperactivity, mood swings, uncontrollable burping, bleeding from the eyes, foot growth... well i made some of that stuff up, but geez! i guess it’s worth it if it works cuz it’s supposed to help me be more focused in school...

i have good feelings about it... seeing as how i’m sitting here blogging while my dusty schoolbooks lay cramped in my raggedy book bag... *that was sarcasm... in case you missed it*

anyways... point is... i just want to forget the shame, forget the pain, forget the mistakes, and let Him put me wherever i need to be, whenever i need to be there...

measure, matter, and magnitude

2005-05-10T21:06:00.000-04:00

Measure... we see very little of all that You do for us... our senses are attuned to pick up on the tangible, and the tangible only... but You are an intangible God and You operate in both worlds... the physical manifestations of Your works toward us are all that we are truly able to partake in, and they represent such a small amount of all that You’re working to cause those things to come to pass. The small fraction of good that You do is enough for us to praise You forever, for we’re not worthy of the first blessing... but You continue to bless us beyond what we could ever deserve and beyond what our minds and thoughts could ever conceive.

Matter... the substance... it is not possible for us to understand the true quality of Your blessings... when we ask for a miracle, we ask for ourselves, yet when You perform it, You manage to cause that miracle to impact our lives, such that our lives impacts another, such that another life affects another. You’ve intricately woven the products of the blessings that You bestow on one, to the life of everyone that exists and the outcome is the best that a sovereign and all-knowing God could offer to His dying children... You bring light to the world through one man’s miracle, and only a mind like Yours would be capable of not only envisioning such a thing, but carrying it out to the glory of His name.

Magnitude... each blessing is larger than we can envision... we can only see the present result, but can’t foresee the ending... we can only fathom a modicum of the greatness that You’ll bring... Your power far exceeds what our minds allot to You... the total of the flow of Your compassion and mercy shames the greatest waterfall... the vastness of Your love could block out the stars of the universe... our minds don’t have to capacity to hold the revelation of the true bigness of Your blessings because its enormity surpasses the limits of our imagination.

Amen.

2005-05-05T10:22:00.000-04:00

‘i’ve been consuming large amounts of coke lately...’

due to my need to pass at least one class this semester, despite my inability to organize my life... i need to get off of sleep...

therefore i’ve been living off of nothing but pizza and various kinds colas- i’ve tried a little bit of everything... coke, coke with lime, pepsi twist, shasta, rally cola (giant generic), sam’s choice (got it from walmart), and pepsi with vanilla (carbonated heaven in a bottle)...

however, i guess i must have looked a little worn when i told my aunt about the large amounts of caffeine that i’d ingested because in response to the above statement, her eyes widened and her mouth dropped and she goes,

‘co.....CAINE!?!?’

i paused for a second, incredulous at the assumption that she had made... then i burst into raucous laughter... the good kind, that makes your stomach hurt...

‘no!’, i replied ‘co... ca cola!’... clearly she doesn’t know me... i don’t even like taking motrin for pain...

anyways... i’m once again at the end of a semester and failing most of my classes... i only have 4... isn’t it crazy? so i’ve decided (by ‘decided’ i mean ‘been persuaded’) to go to a psychologist...

my mother and a couple of my friends seem to think that i have A.D.D.... i don’t know if that’s the case, but i got sumthin! cuz it doesn’t make sense that i can’t do the simplest of tasks... like turn stuff in on time... or complete assignments... or keep on top of my schoolwork when i have more than two classes... oh well... we’ll see...

tired

2005-05-04T13:54:00.000-04:00

i am just tired...

tired of:
1. school
2. thinking about school
3. worrying about school assignments
4. getting asked when i'm graduating from school... (for the past 2 years, the answer has been, 'next semester'... regardless of the semester
5. tired of being tired from staying up all late
6. getting fat because of the huge amounts of caffeinated beverages that i consumer because i have to stay up in order to finish assignments for school
7. missing quizzez in school cuz i'm tired
8. being asked, 'what's wrong... you look like you've been beaten up'... yeah, THANX, LIFE!
9. just wanting to sleep all the time... anywhere, everywhere, anyti.........zzzzzzzzzzz

just to get by...

2005-04-29T12:02:00.000-04:00

so my man is performing at my school tomorrow... and i won’t be there...

i won’t be ‘waitin for the dj to let your body rock’ cuz i’ll be doing something else...

‘WHAT ON EARTH would you be doing besides going to support your LOVE, talib kweli?’ you might ask...

studying, working, praying for mercy... maybe going home to see my momma who had surgery last thursday... we’ll see...

i’ve been missing out on a lot lately... i guess i’m just used to it by now...

so i’m thinking about skipping gospel choir rehearsal today... i skipped the last one too... i’ve realized that when i’m upset, it really really affects others...

apparently i put them in dark places...

i don’t want to do that... i don’t think it’s fair for other people to become miserable just because i am... and so i put on my happy mask and laugh and smile a lot (which usually isn’t hard for me)... despite the fact that i feel like if i had a gun and a bullet...... well... let’s leave it at that...

usually that works for the most part... some folks can still tell something is wrong, but at least i don’t send them to their unhappy zone to be miserable with me... but since i’ve become more emotional (why? must be the hormones they put in everything)... it’s become harder and harder to find the mask and then keep it on... so i think it’s easier just to avoid people period...

anyways... animal lab was interesting last week... we spent most of the time sitting around and chillin’... my lab partner and i had some pretty interesting conversations... over fresh warm cups of urine... no, that’s not a typo... we spent the whole time pissing in cups and bringing it back to lab... imagine:

‘wow... really? you’re from where? and you speak how many languages? oh yeah, that school is excellent, but really slow? wow... i live right around the corner from... oh wait... i gotta go pee!’

crazy.

welcome back...

2005-04-26T20:56:00.000-04:00

wow... i really disappeared... not to be productive tho... quick update...

got over mil... it was quick and sudden and painless... and lasting... ahhhh freedom...

lost my credit card in church... was informed that it was picked up by one of the deacons...

lost my purse... found it after missing a probably really fun excursion because i didn’t have my purse...

found my purse...

still haven’t retrieved my credit card...

raised $150 for a trip this summer...

lost the $150...

wrote a song whose lyrics i will not share with you because it consists entirely of curse words...

went 3 days without sleeping so’s i could get work done...

went 3 days just sleeping... getting no work done...

apparently you need to APPLY to graduate... hmmm...

i didn’t really write that song, but i’m seriously considering...

i’m currently begging God for mercy... whatever He chooses is cool with me... but God, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!

so i've come to the conclusion that something is actually really wrong with me... i've realized that i'm one of those people that's just so insanely brilliant at everything artistic, but is so ignorant with everything else that i might actually suddenly forget how to blink and breathe at the same time...

i've been wondering if God made me like this for a reason, or if there's a way to change... but in the mean time... i just need some help.

make it better...

2005-04-06T16:16:00.000-04:00

Jesus! i’m in pain... i mean... really REALLY... this is so retarded... that i have to feel this way, i mean.

i feel sick... sick with longing... sick with repentance... sick with fear that the repentance won’t be realized... sick with worry of the consequences of my sin... sick with shame that i can’t trust God enough to lead me on the best path... well no... that’s not exactly it... it’s more like..... i know God can and will... but i feel... well... like poo poo.

i mean, geez! if he calls me cute one more time! but i know he doesn’t mean it that way...

i didn’t want to erase his last message on my phone, cuz since business is over, he has no other reason to call me and i'm afraid i won't hear his voice anymore... but God said to do it, so i did...

i don’t want to delete his emails cuz i know he has no other reason to contact me and i'm afraid i won't hear from him again... but God said to do it..... i deleted most of them... i’m still working on the rest...

it feels so so dumb to be so pressed over someone that isn’t pressed over me... i don’t like this feeling... i want it to go away- more than i want him to like me, cuz of course, i still want to do the right thing...

God be my strength...

i know what i keep saying... but.....

2005-04-06T16:11:00.000-04:00

me and my girl, kin, went out to the hang out spot (the giant) last night... i helped her remove her braids and we ended up going out for some caffeine afterwards...

while i was in her car, she caught me... she knew something was wrong... she made me tell her by skillfully dodging all of my skillfully honed avoidance techniques...

‘what’s wrong?’
‘nothing’
‘no... what’s wrong?’
‘what isn’t wrong?’
‘no... that’s not gonna work either... what’s wrong?’
‘there’s just so much... i don’t know where to start’
‘just pick something... what’s wrong?’

and i told her... everything... academic, financial, spiritual... and she told me everything too... but after all that i go... ‘and girl... i have this crush... and it’s the first time in life that it refuses to go away! and i hate it!’ i asked, ‘guess who it is...’

she paused a second and suddenly begins snapping her fingers and screaming, ‘oh! oh! oh! i know! what’s his name?! oh! ...the piano!’

i was like, dag! how’d she know? Lord, Jesus...

she said she knew from the first rehearsal... me and mil were there first and she walked in and goes, ‘are y’all related?’

i remember that too, cuz in my mind i was going, ‘WHAT?! NAWWWWWW! RELATED?! NAWWWW? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? NAW WE AIN’T NO RELATED!! PLEASE!!! REALLY? YOU THINK WE’RE RELATED? WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU THINK WE WERE RELATED?! WHY?! WHA... W... BUT... I’M SAYIN THO... RELATED? NAWWWWWW!!!’

and i guess it showed on my face cuz she said she noticed something about how i responded, ‘no’...

in my mind i know that this crush is dumb because i don’t even know him all that well... in my soul i know what God requires... but in my heart i choose to imagine that if i like him enough, it’s a sign that he’s right for me... but that’s so stupid! i mean really, what the heck happened to me? i’m usually so not a slave to emotions... not romantic ones anyway... what is the world coming to?

anyway... i know what God has for me is for me and that i need not compromise for anything or anyone... hopefully being separated from him will return me back to my normal state of mind... may i never revisit this place again... amen.

love... somebody please explain...

2005-04-05T21:15:00.000-04:00

i hope this isn’t turning into a chi is to m-butter as justme is to .....

remember, chi, when we were on the phone the other day and you kept were talking about m-butter and your situation, and i was all like, ‘yeah, gurl... i know...’ --- i wasn’t being polite... i KNOW!

and it really sucks too...

see, according to my principles and standards... I DON’T WANT HIM... not at all...

but according to something else (what- i don’t know)... i still do... what’s wrong with me? it’s not fair! i've NEVER in life been seriously pressed over a boy... and now i really don’t even think he likes me, but i don’t care! and i have to catch myself because i keep finding myself cutting my eyes at females that he’s paying more attention to than me... even my friends! (they were all my friends, actually)..... and plus, i keep trying to rationalize:

-his principles can change (that’s true tho)......
-that girl he’s talking to... that’s new... he can let that go (that’s true too)
-i can make him love me... (ha! definitely not true)

so i need to stop kidding myself

now, of course i ask God all the time to give me some true unquestionable ‘yes’ or ‘no’ concerning this man, and i suppose He’s given me enough with the principles thing, but obviously i still need more... i wish he would just tell me he... kicked babies or something...

i think God’s trying to test my standards... my dedication to myself verses my dedication to God... i have to really really struggle to keep my mind off of him and on Christ and what He wants of me... but i trust that God still honors the struggle...

2005-04-05T21:02:00.000-04:00

1007 lab reports in 4 days... i can do that...

‘can i speak to you for a minute?’, my t.a. asks during lab...

O MY GOD!!! i start thinking... hmm... what could it be about? could it be... the weather... it’s been pretty crazy lately... oh no... maybe it’s about that movie, ‘diary of a mad Black woman’... i hear it’s pretty good... could be... nope nope... it’s probably about how it’s 2 months into the semester and i haven’t turned in ONE lab report... no, not one...

i surreptitiously caught a glance of his grade sheet for me... it looked so neat... you know... because of the unbroken line of zeroes traversing down the page...

the instructor was like, ‘we need to fail you... we can’t give you a grade if you don’t turn anything in...’

but the t.a. goes (may God pour out blessings on him) , ‘but she’s been to every single lab, and she always does the work and she always does what she’s supposed to do while she’s in lab’... and his eyes got big in expectation...

so the instructor in his great mercy goes, ‘okay... turn in EVERYTHING you owe the t.a.... by monday... and i won’t fail you...’

PRAISE GOD! cuz even tho i’ma be bustin’ my back this weekend, i don’t deserve the opportunity to even do that... the only remaining issue is...

WHAT THE !@#$ IS MY PROBLEM?! who goes to every class... does all the work... and yes i did all the calculations and everything... but doesn’t turn anything in... it’s like i’m trying to sabotage myself! Lord, help me.....

mon cher

2005-03-30T17:38:00.000-05:00

me: hahaha... so what are you up to?
chi: nothing
chi: writing
me: jk’s story?
chi: yeah
chi: and others
me: am i in any?
me: can i be in one?
me: apple peanut windmill!
me: see?... i’m crazy... crazy is fun!
chi: no
me: awww :-(
chi: or you could continue my story
me: okay
me: it’s gonna have a peanut butter covered windmill in it
chi: no i refuse it
chi: none of that
me: awww... how bout a peanut butter covered snowman......
me: that sings nothing but beetle’s songs
me: and eats small children
chi: no
me: how can you be so closed-minded?
chi: because i need for the story to be realistic and make sense
me: oh... one of those...
chi: yes please
me: okay... i guess i can do that
chi: thank you

what am i saying? i can’t do that...

meanwhile... my cher is coming back... he moved to florida in october to do full time ministry... now he's coming back to raise some support... i saw him briefly at a conference in december and he'll be around the way for a couple months... i love him to death... but he always manages to get on my last nerves... i still missed him tho...

getting to know me

2005-03-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

i’m definitely not going to seminary next semester... i don’t know if it’ll be the semester after that or the year after that... i’m not exactly sure when... and i have no idea what i’ll be doing until then.......

i’m starting to feel like i’m really not ready for it... like i’m not dedicated to God enough... but in my head i know that it has nothing to do with my 'holiness'... it simply has to do with God’s call... He may call someone off the street to minister... no... i needn’t wallow in self-pity because i’m not as perfect as i should be... i need only obey God...

see... the reason i feel so unholy and unworthy is because i haven’t been craving God like i used to... i used to wake up early every morning and call on His name and be so excited to get into His Word... and i’d go to sleep with Christ on my mind and wake up with him still on my mind... and get butterflies when i was about to enter into worship... where did that passion go?

now i struggle to be faithful to studying... i have to make a deliberate decision to think about God when i go to sleep... and not think about all the crap i’m enduring right now... or not think about my future husband and kids... or not think about how much i hate the color purple (the actual color- not the movie)...

but i know that God honors the decisions that i make that are in accord with His will... and He honors them even more when i do what i supposed to even though i don't feel like it...

i’m still learning to get myself together... i’m just not ready... but i still have a heart after God... He knows... if i put Him first and keep Him first, i’ll be ready in no time...

thus ends the longest-lived short-lived crush

2005-03-28T19:11:00.000-05:00

i’ve been gone a little bit... i’m a little bit hurt right now... God answered me and showed me that i would have to compromise the standards that He’s given me in order to be with mil... i won’t do it... God help me, i still like him though...

i think it will fade after a little while... usually when God answers me my feelings fade immediately, but this case is a little different... He’s chosen to test my devotion to His ways over my devotion to my own desires... as much as it may hurt... i choose His way...

see... mil is ‘playing the field’... and i am no blade of grass to be trampled on... i’m the precious flower on the side that attracts the players that are mature enough to leave the field in search for the one special treasure... wow... that was all ‘lets-watch-oprah-and-drink-foreign-fancy-coffee-over-girl-talk-ish’ oh well... IT’S STILL TRUE!

plus... there’s this weird relationship with his ex-girl, mo, that i’m not trying to step in between... ‘that’s my baby’, he said of her... ‘but she doesn’t make me feel that way’... what does that mean?!

i’m trying to figure if it’s like a ‘chi and jam’ sort of thing, where chi is mil and jam is mo... it could be... and that would be fine, if they hadn’t been together before... see, i don’t know if there are feelings for her that mil won’t admit to cuz he’s just not ready to settle down yet or not... or if he really doesn’t feel that way about her... i mean, that’s possible... but it’s still too complicated for me... plus, i love mo... and i wouldn’t want to hurt her either...

it doesn’t matter anyway, cuz God has a way of keeping the men who aren’t for me from talking to me... even the ones who are supposedly in love with me and propose to me fairly regularly, don’t talk to me... hmmm... i was just complaining about that earlier today, but now i remember why that is... i asked God to do that! ha!

my girl bb, ‘the prophetess’ i call her... cuz she has such divine insight into the will of God, and can often predict certain things... according to His will of course... told me that she really thinks he’s the one... hahahahaha... i don’t know, bb... maybe you should consult God again...

oh well... my heart is sufficiently healed tho... besides... chi has assured me that mil is crazy... my dear chi! you always know just what to say!

okay, so he goes...

2005-03-17T10:53:00.000-05:00

okay, so he goes... he goes... okay, he goes... okay...right, so... he goes..................... ‘you’re so cute’ *justme’s heart melts as she tries her hardest to hold back a ridiculous smile*...

okay, well he didn’t exactly say it to me... but he wrote it , and that’s enough for me...

but really... i’m dead serious... i don’t want to fool with anything that God hasn’t prepared beforehand for me, so despite my random fits of giddiness, i’m not planning the wedding... i’m not even expecting anything- this could well be an ephemeral crush, and that’s perfectly fine with me...

so what if i read the email over and over again?

i asked God that no man would try to talk talk to me unless he was my husband... thus far, it’s worked...

the men that have liked me have only told me:

1) after they graduated and i would never see them again...
2) after they were in a committed relationship (what’s that about?)...
3) or they don’t talk to me period... like they relay all their messages of undying love for me through a mutual friend... but never actually call me or try to really communicate with me personally... (i don’t even know what to say about that one)

meanwhile... i’ve dropped my phone in a sewer so i can’t call anyone... first my keys, now this! i was hoping to get it back, but bureaucracy hath prevented my noble attempt, THUS........i am therewith, hitherto and thusforth without a means of communication with the rest of the world for now... sorry chi, you may have to wait a little longer to find out.....

i feel like i should cite chinua achebe

2005-03-11T10:36:00.000-05:00

i’m worried about chi... she hasn’t called, she hasn’t blogged... where is she? oh... wait... i guess i could call her...

i’m also worried about kiki... i haven’t spoken to her in a while... and i know she has a tendency to get grossly drunk every day... she’s been heavy on my heart lately, and so i called her yesterday... left a message on her voicemail to let her know i loved her...

anyways... proof of my sobriety... i spoke to him and didn’t get all giggly... it’s good to be in my right mind....... to some extent... i’m still crazy y’all...

i’ve realized:

it’s hard to find a balance between becoming complacent and not getting stressed out by thinking of all the things you:
have to do
have forgotten to do
messed up when you did it

i’m trying to find that balance now... God help me...

my theory: when things fall apart, it’s either because God didn’t mean for you to participate in this thing, or because God is setting you up to work a miracle...

you can always tell the difference because He won’t go, ‘i’m pleased with my child who always obeys Me... I’m going to tell her/him to do this thing and then i’m going to let them fail... and then i’m going to leave everything in a horrible mess...’

He will however go, ‘hmmm... although my child loves Me, he/she has their mind set on this thing that I TOLD him/her to abandon... so because I love him/her, I’m not going to let him/her get away with it... and let this thing fall apart...’

He will also go, ‘hmmm... although my child loves Me, she limits what she thinks I can do... she could use some more faith so I’m going to tell her to do something... make things fall apart, and in the end when she call on Me, I’m going to make things turn out better than they would have before...’

the last one’s my personal favorite...

well, i skipped choir3 last night... i think i’ve had enough of them for now... (not the people- i love the people)... but my spirit isn’t at peace when i’m there... in other words... God doesn’t want me to be there right now... so i’ll obey before things fall apart...

ahhh... sobriety

2005-03-08T20:45:00.000-05:00

i’m definitely sober now... i’m chillin... mic said to me last night, ‘don’t go crazy, cuz you deserve nothing less than the best and you can’t compromise for anything...’

don’t worry, girl... i won’t... believe me... for me, once i see something in character or behavior that would cause me to need to compromise, that’s as good as God writing on stone tablets, ‘this is not for you’... and i’m done...

ash-t asked me if i liked him...
‘do you like him?’ she asked

‘yes’ i replied

‘you like him like him?’

‘yes’ i replied

‘you LIKE him like him?’

‘yes’ i replied

‘i can tell’

i’m sort of embarrassed... cuz usually when i like somebody... knowing that it’s probably an ephemeral crush... i manage to hide it really really well...

but i also know this about myself... i get kinda giddy around musicians... not about the musicians necessarily, but the music...

and i know i have a tendency to act kind of flirty sometimes... NOT AT ALL INTENTIONAL... but it would be easy to take my behavior the wrong way... i touch people a lot when i’m talking to them... like if you’re next to me, i’m probably gonna be all up in your personal bubble...

and i smile constantly anyway and laugh at everything... so she might have just been seeing that... no matter anyway... he doesn’t know how i usually act around folks, so i’m straight...

still wondering:
WHAT IS UP with rb’s behavior? does he *gulp* like me... or what? what’s goin on? usually asian dudes don’t like Black girls...(sorry chi... lol)

2005-03-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

it all started with the convo... see, i’m not a phone person, so i rarely talk on the phone and if i do, it’s usually for a very short period of time... i can think of one friend that i might actually have a conversation with for that long (chi)... but i’d never spoken on the phone with him before, and i hadn’t seen him in years... and even then we never really spoke... and half the convo was about God... that’s what really did it...

so i spent a couple of hours with mil last evening... i think i smiled for a straight hour after i left him... he’s really really nice... i love to be in his presence... and he’s genuinely funny... like, he prompts true laughter from me, not the polite laughter that i offer so many of my other acquaintances... and i love that his sense of humor is g-rated... and never mean-spirited... one thing i really don’t like is when people’s jokes center solely on making fun of other folks... like jay...

but yesterday was cool... i spent the majority of the time smiling at him while i watched him play the piano... smiling, not cuz i love him, but because he’s hilarious to watch... the faces- oh the faces!

he’s so insanely talented too - it’s amazing... but he’s also ridiculously humble... i know beasts who know they’re beasts and therefore their gift is spent wherever they can get the most money... like jay... but he’s taking time out of his VERY busy schedule to help me... i’m so honored...

see - humility is a characteristic that i absolutely adore... in fact... give me a funny, humble man who loves God and i’ll show you my man... oh... wait a minute... *giggle*

sike naw... though i spent the whole of last night and this morning claiming my husband, and begging God to give me a reason not to like him/ asking God if i can have him (cuz after i ask this question, God is usually quick to give me reason)... God has finally granted me sobriety...

before i get all crazy and obsessed for real... i can at least wait to find out if he likes me first... (though if i put aside my penchant for not assuming anything and assume LIKE CRAZY, i could say that he stayed a lot longer than he had to... and he hugged me more than he had to... and he tried to find out if i had a boyfriend by slipping in the random comment about the boyfriend, i.e. ‘why do you keep looking at your phone? you waiting for a call from your boyfriend?’...he also kinda hinted that i should call him this week)... but anyway... i’m not going to assume, cuz maybe he hugs everybody alot...(or MAYBE he was trying to hide his want to hug me by hugging everyone else) – NOPE! i’m being sober... but mark my words... if in our next two encounters, God doesn’t show me why i can’t have him, i’m claiming him officially as my future husband...

speaking of... after i’d arrived home, my roommate, ash-t, calls me into her room and goes, ‘your future husband is on the phone...’
of course i immediately thought of mil... but then i remembered that she doesn’t know about that yet.... so i asked, ‘who?’
of course it’s jay... then he proposed to me again, via ash-t... but i said no... anyways... i’ll see him today in about an hour... this should be interesting....

what do i do with my emotions?

2005-03-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

i’m trying to determine what’s okay for me to do in this situation...

i want to cry... i really really want to cry and just sleep all day and eat maybe... though i have absolutely no appetite right now... prolly cuz i feel so much like vomiting...

i’m not sure that i’ve ever felt so sick of life that it would make me physically ill to the point where i don’t even want to eat fried seafood, or sugar (my favorites)... but, it’s happened... and i don’t know what to do...

i’m sure God wouldn’t mind if i cried... that’s cathartic... but the rest... that’s accepting defeat, and with all that i know about God and how He deals with me, it wouldn’t make sense to do that....

see my feelings are in direct conflict with my faith... which is fine... that’s bound to happen... the apostle peter said that the flesh wars against the soul... it’s up to me to act according to what i know and not according to my feelings... that’s wisdom- the application of knowledge...

my dilemma now is to determine the line between actions that reflect my feelings and actions that reflect my faith... and what can i do to calm myself that would still be acceptable to God?

i think it’s my refusal to cry that’s making me sick... denying emotions is dangerous too, right? but then it might be this sick feeling caused by my confusion that’s making it hard to cry... see, i can’t really tell if i’m sad or if i’m anxious or angry or in serious denial... it’s like all of the emotions are exerting the same force on my soul such that no one of them dominates, but they’re still there and still putting pressure on me... (it's been years and i still can't escape physics)...

still God... what do i do with my emotions?

is it supposed to twitch like that?

2005-03-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

i hate labs... i really hate dissections... we removed a sciatic nerve from a frog today... the thing is... the frog was alive (it had to be in order for the experiment to work) but of course it was in comatose... or so they claimed...

i say this because the frog definitely woke up after we (and by 'we' i mean the other two dudes in the group) removed the skin from it's legs and had pinned it's muscles open...

suddenly, it began to twitch like crazy (it's supposed to twitch some, but not like this)... so we were instructed to tap the frog's eye to see if it would blink... and it did... and then it opened it's mouth as if to cry, 'eloi eloi sabachtani!' ...

the teacher then rushed over to save the frog from it's misery (because all this followed a speech about how this was a humane procedure since the frog would feel nothing)... and she stuck some big metal spike down the frog's back and put it out... it was still alive though, and therefore bleeding... i really wanted to cry...

it's over now though... and i made it through... only because i finally remembered that i wouldn't get so dizzy if i remembered to breathe...

i'm really screwing up... it's only like a month into the semester and i'm already on the brink of failing my classes... how did i get so behind? God help me...

and i still have so much to do... but i'm so upset about class and choir3 and bills and friends and everything that i think i'm going to go home and go to sleep, even though i've so much more work left... so so tired.....

on a good note, the mouse is gone... i mean... it was only last night that i gained the courage to sleep with the lights off, but i still left my tv on the whole night... maybe i'll muster up enough courage to turn it off tonight...

oh my God.......

2005-02-27T13:01:00.000-05:00

oh my God... oh my God....... oh my God..oh my God.........oh my God... oh my God.....oh my God................................oh my God......

so i was in my room two nights ago and the lights were out and i was in my bed about to fall asleep, when i hear this rattling sound next to me, like something falling over the vents.....

other times on occasion i found myself being awakened by a shuffling sound near my head.....

last night i actually had the pleasure of watching the mouse (oh my God..... oh my God... oh my God) crawl underneath my door into my room, run across the wall, peak out from underneath my dresser, run underneath my bookshelf, run over to the vents and then disappear..... mice are surprisingly fast because this all occurred quite quickly... but anyways... i sat on my bed and watched this in silent horror, all the while mouthing the words (you guessed it) ‘oh my God... etc.’

the thing is... i’m not so much scared of the mouse as i am scared of waking up with the mouse chewing on my ear... or finding tiny mouse terdlets in my bed... see, if it were domesticated, i would have no problem... but his mouse is rogue.....

i spent the better part of the early, early morning (3-5am) banging on things with my drum sticks and removing bags and furniture and anything else that the mouse could hide under, out of my room so i could flush him out...

confident that he was no longer in my room, i fell asleep around 5am... and woke up about 530... to watch the mouse climb down from my keyboard at the head of my bed, onto the wire that connects it to my amp... then i watched it jump to the floor near the vents and disappear...

the mouse really is cute... you could probably fit two of them in a small egg; it was so tiny... and because it’s so small, i suspect that it’s coming in from the vents... we have the old fashioned heating system like they have in public schools... except in my room, the system is detaching itself from the wall... it’s a rather large gap... large enough for a small mouse to get through... my question is, ‘why our apartment?’... it’s probably crawling through the vents searching for warmth, but we don’t use the heat because bge or somebody is scamming us and our bill is way too high... (i sleep in long johns, a t-shirt, sweater, and hoody, with a head scarf, hat, and gloves on)... i just want it out of the apartment....

i’m only in the library now cuz i don’t wanna be home...

on an incredible note... joy gave me $200 today... you can’t imagine what a blessing that was to me, cuz i definitely was not gonna be able to pay rent this month... i just told her that i needed rent and she wrote me a check... God is gonna pour out incredible blessings on her for that one... and i hope that one day, when i’m making serious bank, i’ll be able to bless her back... holla!

let it snow!

2005-02-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

i just got out of lab... it's 9pm... i have a dumb lab report due tomorrow for a two credit introductory lab... they actually want full reports each week- with and abstract and everything all typed! DUMB! oh well... it's due tomorrow at 8am where i will begin a 4 hour lab (the lab has no chairs too, so i get to stand up the whole time) on the good side, i've learned to sleep standing up while handling dangerous lab chemicals...

but wait! did you hear that it was supposed to snow?

i mean... (and i'm aware of doing the thing where you expect snow so sincerely that you don't do the work that you know you have to do for tomorrow---or as i like to put it... i procrastinate on faith)... but yeah... that would solve so many problems for me...

meanwhile... debating whether or not i should stay in choir3... i love it... it's an honor to be there, but... i miss half of the performances and outings and retreats and stuff cuz i'm doing so much other stuff... my prayer : what do You want me to do with my time, God? what do i keep? what do i drop? let me know please... or as mil would say, 'can You return my email please?'

speaking of mil... he's a beast on the piano... i admire him so much and wish wish wish i could play like him... i feel so priviledged because he's gonna play for me at this wedding gig in april... thing is... as hard as i cise him up, he cises me up more... like, i just can't compete...

'when you drop your greatest hits cd... just let me be featured playing the triangle... i mean... i'd be honored just to do that' he says...

ridiculous... i'ma need him to realize that he's tight...

then he goes, 'wow... you must have been desperate for a pianist if you chose me... you got down to the last resort'... he's being facetious in his comments, but still... i didn't tell him i was given an oral list of potential pianists which included the dude that has the crush on me (no we haven't gone out on a 'date', chi) who is a MONSTER on the keys, but i chose mil once his name was spoken... i really think he's a beast... wish he could see it too...

oh well... spent an hour on the phone with him yesterday trying to convince him of his calling, but like i said... there's no competing...

help

2005-02-23T17:34:00.000-05:00

water bill... late paper... early lab... rent... ticket... court appearance... lab report due... school applications... new job...

i think i'm gonna have a panic attack... no 4 real... i'm sitting up in the computer lab at school, breathing all hard and wondering why my head all of a sudden hurts like this and why my heart's beating all fast...

i need help... i need folks to pray for a sista 4 real!

2005-02-16T17:34:00.000-05:00

so i found my tags... which is good... they were hiding in the middle of a pile of junk papers...

see, my mother has a tendency to hand me lots and lots of random papers that i don't need... she rips out articles from the newspaper about how much people make in certain proffessions, so that she can remind that i'm going to be poor since i chose not to follow in her footsteps and become a doctor... and articles about car accidents, to remind me that i can't drive...

she hands me the endless pre-approved credit card advertisements that i'm never going to go for, let alone open...

she hands me 'to-do' lists written on the back of junk mail, opened and emptied envelopes (trash), old stickless post-its, ripped off corners of paper towels, and whatever else she can find...

she hands me numbers and letters and trash and junk that i'm never going to go through because most of it i never, never use...

and yet, this one day, she decided to put one of the most important things in the middle of one of these piles... praise God i didn't just throw it all away... but now i still have to pay for the ticket...

my room is currently filled with piles and piles of the junk that she's handed because i'm afraid to throw it away, lest there be something terribly important in the middle of one of these piles, however, for some reason, it's unusually hard to get up the gumption to go through a seemingly endless pit of junk... so i guess what i'm saying is... it's all my mom's fault! i accept NO responsiblity... i've learned NOTHING from this experience... except that one woman's junk may contain another woman's treasure...

jealous of who?

2005-02-14T19:28:00.000-05:00

‘i think she’s jealous of you...’, ash-t said to me... ‘of who?’ i asked incredulously... ‘you’, she said... ‘wait... who’s jealous of me’ i asked. though i kinda knew who she was talking about already, i asked to make sure since the scenario i envisioned didn’t make any sense to me... ‘holly’, she said...

now let’s pause for a second and think about this... I’M TRYING TO BE LIKE HOLLY! she is sooooo beast when it comes to music... her vocal and musical arrangements are the bomb; she is an excellent pianist; her voice is like... the sun bursting through a cover of gray hazy clouds onto a fresh, dew-kissed field in spring... i mean... please! why in the universe would she ever be jealous of me?... back to the convo...

‘WHY?’ i asked, genuinely confused... ash-t says, ‘i think she’s jealous of how the choir responds to you... they get more excited when they sing your stuff... more hype...’

and yes, that seems kinda true... but i figure it’s more because... i’m stupid... like, i’m REALLY silly and pop-off-the-walls energetic... of course they respond... and also, the song that the choir sings of holly’s was adapted from a solo, so the choir spends most of the song just standing there listening to her sing... so obviously they don’t seem as involved, cuz they’re NOT involved... her song is the absolute bomb though... they just haven’t seen what she can do with a choir song yet...

‘but holly is a BEAST though’, i say... ‘i know... but you’re more humble about it... people get vibes from her... like she’s good and she knows she’s good...’, ‘but she IS good’, i say...

i don’t know... i still love holly and i believe in her... i think she’s excellent in everything she does and she doesn’t strike me as phony or arrogant (though i guess i could see where people might get that vibe)... but it wouldn’t be fair for me to change my opinion of her based on other people’s vibes... so many of my best friends though i was stuck up when they first met me... until they got to know me...

i really really admire her talent... she is awesome... there are so many times when i wish that i could sing like her and i dream of the day when i might be able to play piano like her... i mean... she’s awesome... and sometimes, to be honest, it kind of hurts when we sing one of her songs and not mine... or when she gets all the amazed attention for her song and i get what i perceive to be polite attention for mine... because... i desire to be sooo great and i know that i’m not... yet... and i know that in the arena of musical skill, she surpasses me by a light year... but in the arena of the anointing of God... there’s no competition... it’s not possible to compete for anointing... and anointing has nothing to do with either of us anyway... we’re equally anointed to do just whatever God has called us for and the measure of our greatness and honor will be determined only by how fervently we follow Him... it’s not determined by how fervently compliments and flattery follow us...

to Your will, Lord... not my own

2005-02-11T10:17:00.000-05:00

summary of the past two weeks:

new exhaust and oxygen converter: $200 (this one was actually a little earlier)

getting the keys from out of my locked car: $45

gas to drive to and from school, to and from choir3 rehearsals, to and from
dance rehearsals at church, to and from church, to and from work, and other
places that aren’t the bank: $35 dollars a week

citation for expired tags: $55

windshield repair: lots and lots of $

new tire for the van: $75

a much needed jack and lug nut wrench: i have no idea how many $

a chauffeur: priceless...

see i used to say that the first thing i would get once i get the chance, is a chauffeur... i don’t like driving... i don’t know jack about cars... i don’t like having to think about vehicle maintenance... and i especially don’t like paying for it... especially in financial times like i’m going through now...

i never thought i’d have to decide between having heat and electricity, or food to eat... i chose bge over food, and thus i’ve been living off of turkey sandwiches the past month... and charity...

but anyways... i’m tired of my vehicle... i’m so grateful to have it, but geezo pete! i can’t take this much more! and now with expired tags, i can’t get to work or dance rehearsal today... or drum lessons tomorrow... oh well, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.....

2005-02-09T15:42:00.000-05:00

so i went to play pool the other day for my girl, chi’s b-day... it was fun!

i’ve never played before... even when i was little and i was staying with my grandparents most of the time... they had a pool table, but because no one would teach me to play (probably because i was very accident- prone as a child and they didn’t see anything good coming from me playing with a large, wooden, fustigation stick (look the word up), and... what... 16? weighted spheres of death.

anyways, i’m not as clumsy anymore... though i was still determined not to play... chi convinced me that i should try...

word to the wise : you will probably NEVER get the white ball to go where you want it to if you grasp the pool stick the same as you would grasp a snow shovel...

needless to say... i was pretty terrible... but then, T convinced my to try again, and he showed me how to hold the poolstick... it’s AMAZING how much of a difference that makes... i won... but i’m sure it was beginners luck... and geez louise, chi! she had some crucial strategy on the table... she was all pulling stuff that you only see from the hustlers on cheesy sitcoms when they have a pool match... it was great! except that the pool balls rarely went in when she did that... but it was still cool! hee hee...

2005-02-08T11:52:00.000-05:00

saturday was busy... first was drum lessons at 10... actually, i was supposed to have a drum lesson, but the teacher didn’t come... i mean... can somebody please get that boy my number so he can call a sista! my gosh... so i stayed there until 12 and read my book for class, cuz i knew if i left, i wouldn’t get anything done... at least it was semi-quiet there...

while i was waiting, this little boy, maybe 10 years old, came in... he takes drum lessons too... he is SOOO bad... he is just into everything and all over the place... but get this! he sees me and decides to make me a cup of coffee! random! i suspect that someone had just taught him how to use the coffee machine and it gave him an excuse to mess with an electrical appliance... the coffee tasted like dirt, but i appreciate the sentiment anyhow...

upon exiting the center, this ol' dude that covers the desk tried to talk to me! and i don't mean conversate... he goes, 'are you married?' and i'm like... what?! are you serious? i say, 'no'... he goes, 'boyfriend'... i'm thinking, 'oh Lord...' i say, 'no'... he says, 'looking for one?'... i say, 'no'... 'then i'll stop trying', he says... at least he made it easy for me...

all these dudes that i don't want have been trying to talk to me lately... what's that about?

anyways, after i left i went home to eat... i was greeted by about 10 packages from different seminaries... there is so much info and so many visits and so many applications and so much this and so much that... it’s hard not to get overwhelmed sometimes, but i just remember that it’s not my decision to make... all i have to do is get the info and stay close enough to God so that when He tells me where He wants me to go... all i have to do is say, ‘yes’...

but as i was eating some chili (i was craving because of thursday night’s mishap), i got a call from my girl, o... she and a few other of my friends from her church were helping this girl’s family out by cleaning out their house... i think she gets made fun of by the other teens cuz they’re all from semi-rich families and she’s not... so i guess they decided to help out... i stopped by and helped to scrub walls with a bleach and water solution... i mistakenly began the endeavor with large straight scrubbing motions... until i was promptly corrected by ms. ron (my girl from back in the day at my school... she has been my math tutor, gospel choir buddy, roommate, advice giver, and basically good friend... i’m one the ‘kids’ to her)... ‘small, concentrated circles!!! no one listens to me!'... but i did... and it worked, so hey...

after that i went home... and prepared to do laundry when i got the call from chi about her b-day... i’m glad i went... i enjoyed myself... even though jk chided me for not calling him about saturday (i'm supposed to be helping him... as if he needed me), he gave me a ride to and from chi’s place, and gave chi and i a ride to the thai restaurant and the pool hall... but i was tired as beans by the end of the night... when did we leave? 2am? jk was tired too... he crashed on my couch for a little while so he wouldn’t crash into something and die on the way home... hmmm... i haven’t heard from him since.....

which is the girl and which is the boy?

2005-02-04T08:22:00.000-05:00

so i’m here at school at 8 o’clock, because i believed that class started at 8 am... however... i just checked my schedule, and it definitely doesn’t start until 9 am... o well... at least now i know where my class is going to be...

so about a month ago, while i was at IMPACT (which was the bombdiggitybombizziest conference that i’ve been to thus far) i was walking around d.c. streets with my very old friend (not old as in age but old as in i’ve known her for half my life), and one of my roommates at the conference, mic who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people.

she goes to my school... she’s 4 years younger and therefore deemed one of the ‘kids’. she is going thru a lot of what made my undergrad time here miserable, which is not doing what you’re called to do... however, i think she realized on time... she’s decided to at least minor in music... and afterward, she’s looking into going to seminary for music... probably getting the same degree that i am! because she’s also interested in counseling, as am i, she’d be getting an mdiv too.

the differences are that while i was in bondage to a crazed, cultish (these are my opinions which are open to discussion) scholarship program that would have forbidden a change like that... she is not and will prolly keep her money. oh well... i just don’t want her to make the same mistakes that i made... i still praise God, though, cuz i know that all He allowed me to go through made me stronger, more convicted to obey Him, and much better equipped to encourage others to follow their dreams.

anyways...... i was walking down the street with them and we approached this couple from the back... an interesting couple indeed... two very svelte people, dressed in black shirt, blue jeans, and both with the same ‘beatles’ haircut. they looked so much alike from the back that i would have thought they were twins... if they weren’t holding hands... i remember saying, ‘huh... which one’s the girl and which one’s the boy?’ not actually perplexed by which was which because i could tell... but it shouldn’t have taken so many glances to figure it out... the dude had a more feminine walk than i did... shoooot...

guh?

2005-01-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

you know what i was thinking? i think i wanna take you out to a movie...

ummmmm... ooo.....kaaaay........

that wouldn’t be weird or anything would it? like you wouldn’t be freaked out by that or anything would you?

naw... it’s cool... we can go AS FRIENDS....

that’s cool?

yeah... AS FRIENDS that’s cool... if we go AS FRIENDS... that’s no problem...... AS FRIENDS!!!

then i hung up and stared into space with a bewildered expression and uttered, ‘what?’

out of my ridiculous naïveté, thinking still that he thought of me as just a friend and wondering why someone that i didn’t exactly talk to on a regular basis was suddenly trying to hang out with me, i asked my roommate, who speaks with him way more often than i do, if it was weird that he asked me out... she said, ‘no – he likes you... he thinks you’re sooo beautiful... we were talking about it the other day... he asked me if you liked big boys...’

i don’t.

now he’s biiiiiiiiiig y’all... latitude and longitude.

he could actually prolly crush me just by looking at me.

i mean i love this dude AS A FRIEND and he’s really cool but he doesn’t possess the one thing that my ‘boo’ *i will never use that word again unless i’m making fun of someone for using it* must have – and that’s a sincere walk with God... see not just someone who goes to church because they’re getting paid for playing, but someone who’s excited to go to bible study and who is really willing and striving to be close to God... someone who’s focus is not on his immediate happiness, but on pleasing Him – you know... he ain’t got that... he’s a good guy... but he’s not there...

i mean he’s not really my type anyway, but i can overlook a lot of things... but that walk... that walk is necessary...

anyways... i know i’ve been gone for a long time... (not that anyone really missed me... except chi maybe... who left me a message on my voicemail after i failed to pick up the phone many many times... it went something like this (most of this might be fabricated by me):

'i was just calling to make sure you weren’t lying at the bottom of a well in montreal, feeding off of the maple syrup that finely coats everything in canada, and making ghost noises to scare the locals away because you’re too embarrassed to have someone find you and then you have to explain why you fell to the bottom of a well... forgot how to tie your shoelaces again, eh? i TOLD you time and time again... make bunny ears.........' wait – where was i? right – my point was... at least she loves me... her and this dude apparently... i should've figured it out when he proposed marriage..... go figure.

anyway... i’ve been gone, but fret not cause i’ve recorded all the stories that i wish to share with you on the back of a mini krackel candy bar wrapper that’s balled up at the bottom of my abyss of a purse, and over the next few uneventful days, i will share them all with you... in the mean time... try some maple syrup on eggs... it’s better than it sounds.....

can somebody tell me what an 'x-mas' is?

2004-12-22T17:19:00.000-05:00

so it's what? 3 days before christmas and i've bought... ummm... let me count... oh yeah, 0 gifts... the only consolation i have is knowing that i am certainly not the only one out there who'll probably wait until christmas eve to buy gifts... and that i did the same thing last year.....

so you're wondering why i'm highlighting the christ in christmas... at bible study on friday, lani said that when her mom was a teacher, she couldn't put up a banner that said merry christmas unless she removed the 't'.....

i had a muslim roommate a couple of years ago... i wasn't offended when she covered her head in respect to allah... i wasn't offended when she got up early to eat during ramadan... i wasn't offended when she spoke of the qu'ran... why are we so offended by 'christ' in the middle of a word?

and furthermore... how can you remove christ from christmas? what else is christmas about?

what's next? forbid jewish boys from wearing yarmulkes? ban crosses around the neck? is it really that offensive?

i refuse to go crazy (or crazier)

2004-12-19T16:14:00.000-05:00

i think i’m getting over my huge crush on my old friend that i barely know… come and gone as quickly as the overflow of love and goodwill after 9/11 (really tho, what happened to that?)… i don’t know… i guess it was just one of those things…

so i was talking to my friend today about how we’ll get so distraught over work that we haven’t done, but rather than work on it, go do something else and remain distraught… well THIS MUST END! cuz with me… i either worry and worry and don’t do anything… or i don’t do anything and become super-complacent (so that i don’t worry)…

neither of those are really good options, so even though passing my classes and getting this paper done seems impossible… i’m still gonna work and i’m not gonna give up, because you never know…..

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING!
‘if she’s supposed to be working and not wasting time… why is she blogging?’

well i have a very good explanation for that…… i really do…..you’re gonna kick yourself when you hear how good and explanation it is….. it really justifies everything….. and i’d be so glad to explain… if i didn’t have work to do, peace!

oh and before i forget again, happy b-day chris!

almost done

2004-12-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

i’m supposed to go to lunch with joy today… she’s gonna help me with some seminary stuff… i don’t know what to say to her though… i’ve only done really basic preliminary searches online… based on the amount of work that i’ve done so far, you wouldn’t think i was serious about this….

i am serious though, but i’m beginning to wonder if i’m ready… i actually really don’t think i am… i mean the desire is definitely there, but i’m such a frazzled mess right now…

last night was bible study… everybody in that piece knows about me and my struggles with school… but one really understands… she said to me, ‘you sound like me when i was in school… it took me 6 and a half or 7 years to finish… you just need to focus’… do you hear that? you just need to focus… she’s absolutely right… right now i can’t organize my time, money, room, or vehicle, i’m not controlling what i eat and spend… it’s like i all of a sudden turned into a reckless….. wreck!

on a good note, i’m selling some of my art… i have my friend, lani on a payment plan… 900$ for 9 original 5x6 pieces… you should have seen her! she was so excited, she looked like she was about to burst open… like a small child about to meet a powerpuff girl or sumthin ... or better yet, like the women on oprah’s giveaway show! (i don’t really watch oprah, but i was at my girl’s house when she was watching… i mean, 4 real oprah? you’re giving away washer/ dryers? 4 real? can i get sumthin too? i'm sayin... this year's giveaway show was for teachers... how about reserving next year's show for students like me who keep teachers in business?)

alright, well i better get back to work… i have technically 2 papers to write: one is the 10-page final due on the 20th (i still have to finish reading one book for that and the other book that i haven’t started, i ordered a few days ago but have yet to receive… i don’t know what to do)… the other is the midterm that i never did, that was due on the 27th of October… i think i’ll just do the final and pray that i get a ‘c’… i’ll do both if i have time… and if i don’t pass out soon…..

oh yeah... i really wanna give you guys the website of the guy that i'm so in love with, but i just know one of you fools is gonna end up sending him a message like this :

'dear ____, there's this girl with this blog who is so in love with you... here's the address of her blog so you can go and read all her business...'

i know y'all are just waiting for the chance... especially you, chi! *squinting my eyes with suspicion and raising my fist to the comp screen* well i'm not gonna do it...

but 4 real, i'm not like 'i'm-going-on-jenny-jones-to-confess-my-6-year-long-addiction-with-you-and-i-was-hoping-that-now-that-you-know-you-could-drop-everything-and-marry-me-NOW!' in love with him... i actually rarely thought about him in the past 6 years and even more rarely thought of him in highschool... but he was really cool (for what i knew of him) and i was so envious and amazed by his talent... i think i just kinda wish i'd talked to him more and now i really wanna find out what's up with him... oh well... i'mtooscaredsoisuck, whatever!

i think i have an eating disorder

2004-12-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

i think i have an eating disorder... no really... like when i get stressed and stay up late to study, the amounts of caffeine and sugary things that i consume is SICK... and it’s like, uncontrollable... it’s like, ‘you must eat lest your consciousness leak out of your ears like the near constant stream of water out of my apartment's bathroom tub that causes my water bill to be unecessarily high, and... *where was i?* oh yeah... and i fall asleep and don’t finish studying'... but i know it’s not true... and i’ll be sitting there, so full that my tummy sticks out so far that it looks like a giant pimple attached to my stomach area, and still pondering how much more i might be able to stuff into myself if i allow for just the right amount of digestion time, and maybe throw in some water or sumthin... i don’t know... it all ends once the semester is over... must be the stress... hence the common trend:

returning to my family from the sememster – ‘gee... you gained so much weight’
returning to school from the end of break – ‘gee... you lost a lot of weight...’

oh well, either way... at least i don’t pick my nose

2004-12-16T20:49:00.000-05:00

omigosh, i am so in love with this boy... he is just soooooo cute i don’t know what to do... it’s clearly just some weird crush tho, cuz i really haven’t seen him or spoken to him in 5 years *consarnit!*...

but i have his screenname!... but i don’t want to send him a message... but he’s actually on aim and he hasn’t been in like 3 years and neither have i and what are the chances that we’ll ever be on at the same time again?... but he prolly doesn’t remember me... but he’s so talented to... but what would i say?... and he left his homepage address on his away message and i looked at it and there were pictures of him and his paintings *which are amazing!* and omigosh, i used to say that the only thing that this brother would need to make me get all happy like a schoolgirl when i saw him was some facial hair on his beautiful yellow face and of course! he has a lovely scruffy little beard thing happenin’ and i think i want to cry... but oh well... i need to study...

he’s prolly a jerk anyway...

guess what?

2004-12-16T11:44:00.000-05:00

guess what i just found out?! i have a final exam tomorrow... good thing i checked, huh? meanwhile, i just came out of an exam today... i actually think that it went well... like if all my exams this semester had gone like that one, i wouldn’t even be worrying about passing... oh well... we’ll see what happens...

oh yeah... here’s my story about the zebra:
once upon a time there was a zebra named biff... his name was biff because his mother was from some eastern european country and when in her dark brand of zebra humor she decided to name her son “beef”, it sounded like “biff” and the nurse at the zebra hospital recorded “biff” as his official name... none of this mattered however, because once biff turned 18, he was going to city hall and changing his name to sly zeb funkenstein...

so anyways... one day biff went to the pier one to get some christmas gifts for his family (they have really cute candle holders)... but seeing as how pier one has lots of breakable things and since biff was a zebra that didn’t really have the capability of picking up delicate things without dropping them, he broke a bunch of stuff...

then the manager of pier one came out and was all like, ‘you break it! you buy it!’... but biff was like, ‘i can’t’... and the manager was like, ‘why not?’... and biff was like, ‘i’m a zebra... people don’t tend to give us money on account that we usually just eat it’..... well the clever manager scratched his chin and raised his eyebrow as if to smell what the rock was cookin’ while he thought up a way to remedy the situation..............

i’ll have to continue the story later, seeing as how i have a cumulative final tomorrow... and seeing as how i don’t know i should probably study... in the mean time... keep me in your prayers, whoever reads this.....

hmmmm

2004-12-13T10:27:00.000-05:00

the concert was hot... it was lovely... there was power flowing from the beginning... up until..... well... it turned into a concert... then it became less about God and all about tye... that’s what it felt like anyway... oh well...

i don’t know what to think... i felt kind of awkward, like i didn’t belong... i was supposed to be signing for the choir, but when we got in, there was no place for me to stand... i went around asking the leaders and they all basically went, ‘i don’t care... whatever you want...’ but that’s bull... if i decided to stand directly in the middle of the choir... or stand in front of the choir and walk around, weaving in and out of the mics, they’d probably have a problem... oh well... i think they hate me now... but that doesn’t matter.

my exam friday went okay... better than it would have if i hadn’t studied... my teacher was feeling so sorry for me too... he kept coming into the test room going, ‘can i help you with anything? any questions at all? don’t you want to fill in those blank spots on your answer sheet?’ i did... i really did...

oh well... it’s over now... i still have to turn in my lab book that was due friday, and i have an exam to pass today *please God please God please God* and i’m spending my time so effectively by sitting here blogging... talk about things that make you go hmmmmm....

anyways... still debating:
-whether or not to withdraw from my afam class this sememster (i’m two books and two papers behind)
-whether or not to tell my mom about seminary... (she keeps asking about grad school... yikes!)
-whether or not to dance on sunday (i need to study, but this lady keeps begging me... i really don’t have time!)
-whether or not to take out some loans and change my undergrad major to music so i’ll be here another 3 years (about 9 total) and have to put up with an endless load of shame...
-whether or not to write this story about a zebra right now... or later today...

you mean it?

2004-12-08T13:17:00.000-05:00

yesterday i went to the practice rooms to get on a piano (i’m working on writing a new song for gospel choir) only to find that they were all taken... in our funky school you need a 20 dollar deposit to get a key, so most of the time i just try to catch an open door... however, as i was about to leave i saw one of my music major friends who sometimes played the 'saxomophone' for us... i told him he didn’t do well to miss the concert saturday... ‘did you have any solos?’, he asked... yeah right, this chick ain’t no soloist, ‘but i did write a song’, i said... so he asked me to play it for him in the room that he was in... we left the door open... as i was playing some random white dude that i’d never seen before came and stood outside to listen... i was wondering, ‘who is this person?’, but i didn’t say anything... after i finished, he goes, ‘that’s a nice song... it sounds really good’... oh my goodness, did that ever make me feel nice... he didn’t have to say anything... i didn’t know him so he could’ve come and left without saying a word and it wouldn’t have been rude... and he wasn’t a friend so i know it wasn’t him not trying to hurt my feelings... he must’ve really meant it! this just confirms to me how much i’ve improved... three semesters ago, most of the songs i wrote consisted of just one chord... ha!... they were still good tho *straight face*... anyways, i thought that was cool...

another thing i realized... what else was supposed to happen saturday? i was supposed to meet ‘joy’, who was supposed to help me get my stuff together concerning seminary... but she didn’t call... i couldn’t have gone anyway, cuz i had a rehearsal that morning which was only supposed to be from 11 to 2, but was still going when i left at 330...

i need to stop fakin’ on this seminary thing... it’s important... but i know everything will work out... first things first... i have to pass my classes... prepare for the next concert on the 10th (big time big time!)... and work on dance ministry for my church (going away program for my beloved pastor on th 19th)... yeah... that’s enough to fill my plate...

i'm dropping out

2004-12-06T14:40:00.000-05:00

okay i’m not really dropping out, but i really really want to… it’s hard to describe just how i feel right now… i keep missing assignments and classes just because i have so much to do, and i always prioritize outside school stuff… and when i mean to make them up, i forget completely about them… i still have yet to buy a book that should have been read a week ago! i’ve missed essays and reports… i don’t know how i’m going to make it… i mean let’s face it… i hate school… i really really hate it… i don’t think college is for me…

i didn’t intend to speak to so many people about today, but i did… one lady, having seen me direct a song that i wrote for gospel choir (oh yeah, the concert was 2 nights ago and it was bangin’!), but she asked me what my major was… i get that question all the time… i said, ‘biology… but it should be music… she said, ‘i think you have to do what you like… maybe you should switch majors.....

YEAH RIGHT! i’m in my sixth year! of undergrad! that’s ridiculous... and it’s only because i’ve been failing everything! it’s not for me… i’ve never enjoyed it (except the music)… another friend said, 'don’t give up… college is for you… what you’ve done in college is what’s wrong’

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?! another one wants me to be here forever… but if i keep failing everything i just might be… he said it well: ‘you’re just delaying your success the longer you try to run from what you’re supposed to do’… i guess… but do You really want me to change my major 1 and a half semesters away from graduation (God-willing)? i just don’t know what to do…..

maybe i should just take out some loans and do whatever i want to do… so what if i’ll be here for 9 years… there’s no shame in that *i type as i break down into tears and solemn laughter- but not really*…i say that my life is not about me… it’s about letting the world know how good and wonderful and powerful and necessary God is… and to do that in the most effective way, i need Him to guide me…

life is technically easy… it’s just a series of choices… all i have to do is in every choice, ask God what He wants me to do… and then do it… without extra thought or consideration of consequences… there’s no consequence worth forfeiting a satisfying and successful life because i didn’t want to do what God wanted… so fine… i thought You wanted my to stay with bio… maybe you do… but God, let me know if it’s changed.

history, can you not repeat yourself?

2004-12-01T14:55:00.000-05:00

i’m here again... in ‘i hate school and would rather dig ditches for a living land’... right now i’m hating on almost everything... i’m hiding from as many people as i can... just because i don’t feel like dealing with them....

random subject change: thanksgiving was cool... we had the usual dry thanksgiving dinner with very little talking that started at 2 30 in the afternoon and was over by 4... then half of us rushed off to our second thanksgiving dinners at friends or other families houses... i went to one of my best friends houses and actually spent most of the evening there with her family and my other best friend... how drastically different our dinners were... there was music playing, talking, mandatory dancing, laughing, happiness... to sum it up: fun...

i also enjoyed talking with her little sister... she’s going through something a lot like i’ve been through... she’s understanding what it’s like for everyone around you to understand your destiny and tell you constantly, but still doubt it in yourself... it’s amazing how something can be so obvious to everyone but ourselves... probably not so much because we don’t see, but because we refuse to see... we’re too scared to see because we don’t want to imagine or have to face the consequences... unfortunately, it usually takes way too long to realize that the consequences of not following our destinies is much worse...

oh well... she’ll figure it out... we all do eventually i guess...

meanwhile, i’ve decided that my destiny for this semester is to provide a situation where God can work a fabulous miracle... more specifically: i don’t study, do my homework and reports, read my assignments, or go to class... but still pass. ‘i’m doing this for Your name’s sake, God!’ but really... please have mercy

2004-11-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

today’s the day before thanksgiving... most folks are already home... but i had class! oh well... it was only one... i just hope the traffic isn’t too bad...

i’m looking forward to going home only because i think i’ll be able to focus better there... i have a ton of schoolwork, to catch up on and it’s hard to manage with an old crusty computer with no internet... what happened to the good old days of books and pencils?

on the other hand, i’m not really looking forward to going home because i don’t want to answer any questions... ‘what grad schools have you found?’, my mom will ask... ‘i’m not really going to grad school, ma’..... and then the heavens open up and pour out fire and brimstone while swarms of locusts blacken out the sky.......

anyways... last night was choir rehearsal again... it was fun, despite my mood and lack of energy... singing actually exhausted me... i mean, what now?! i feel like i have pneumonia... and i CRIED! in front of EVERYBODY! i don’t know... my best friends have only sseen me cry once and here i am crying in front of folks whose names i don’t even know... (i still love them tho), but geez! life is just making me too tired for words... but thank God for it anyway...

day off

2004-11-19T09:27:00.000-05:00

God gave me the day off yesterday... no class ( i had an exam), no work, no bible study (except my personal study), no choir rehearsal, no driving excessively, no contact with people, no nothing... the only cost... HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN! “food poisoning” my mom said... i guess, but i don’t know from what... all i’ve really eaten lately has come straight from a package. salad from a bag, hot pockets from a box, water from a bottle... they’ve never made me sick before and there hasn’t been any type of massive ‘hot pocket recall’... oh well... so i spent the whole day slowly feeding myself water since the earlier part of the day was spent throwing it up... that’s right... just water... when i went to clean out my vomit bucket (sorry for the gory details), it was all water... how’s my body going to reject water?... i imagine my stomach so twisted that it closed completely... even to water...

so in His omniscience, He was probably just like, ‘girl, you’re going to fail this exam... i need to give you an extra day or two... but it can’t be easy for you because you should have studied’... fine God, i appreciate Your second chances and Your special brand of humor and justice... now if you’ll just grant me one more favor and make a way for a make up exam...

oh yeah, tonight's bible study with the crew... it's led by my friend, c whose been to seminary... his picture is actually on the webpage of the seminary he went to... capital... he's actually the first one to suggest to me seminary... the only one actually... 'yeah right!' i thought to myself when he said it just 3 months ago... ha! so many questions for him now...

chosen

2004-11-17T09:35:00.000-05:00

there was choir rehearsal last night... it was cool... the choir’s sound was beautiful actually... i was in the rehearsal room, but had to leave to get water... but after i left, i couldn’t go back in... i couldn’t look at anyone in their faces when i was in there before... i just kept staring at my fingers while i braided the fringed ends of my scarf..... so i just sat outside the room instead... i listened to the parts and learned the music and the words while i was out there... i also prayed... ‘why couldn’t i look in their faces?’ you might be wondering... well, i’m wondering too... no, actually it’s just because i feel so inadequate right now... powerless to help all the people around me... too irresponsible to keep my own schedule straight, too complacent to keep my academics up to par... too ‘not good enough’ to do what i desire to do... i wonder if i’m pleasing God and feel shame that i’m probably not, even though i’m trying so hard... i could be so much better...

i remembered the scripture 1 corinthians 1:27-29 for times just like this, and through my tears i recited ‘God has chosen the foolish things of this world to confound the wise and the weak things of this world to put to shame the things that are mighty... and the base thing of this world and the things which are despised, God has chosen... and the things which are not to bring to nothing the things that are... that NO flesh should glory in His presence...

if there is anyone foolish, weak, and base, it’s me... and so He’s chosen me...

what do you say to a woman who’s lost her son?

2004-11-16T11:12:00.000-05:00

i mean... he’s not dead... but in prison... for a crime that even the judge knew he didn’t commit... how do i look at his daughter and smile, knowing that she hasn’t seen her daddy in 2 weeks and has no idea where he is, except that he’s ‘away’... and he’ll be away for at least 3 more months until the appeal...

encouragement is my gift... it kills me to see people suffer... if i’ve never met you or spoken to you before, i’ll go out of my way to help you if possible... to encourage when no one else is encouraging... to comfort when everyone else is pretending like nothing is wrong...

but what do i do now? i can’t just speak to her like i know what she’s going through... i’m in my twenties... i’ve never had a son... let alone lost one... why did God put this on my plate when i’m so powerless to help?

sick

2004-11-15T14:58:00.000-05:00

i’m so tired today, i don’t know what’s going on with me. people keep telling me i’m warm when they touch me... but i’m freeeezing. i don’t know... i don’t feel sick... just tired... what i do find amazing though, is how much my countenance affects others... they keep saying, ‘awwww! i’m not used to seeing you like this!’ because usually i’m all smiles –
them: hey girl, you must be happy today!
me: no, i’m really mad.
them: but you’re smiling.
me: 'cause i always smile... this is my angry smile.
or i'm bouncing off the walls and encouraging others to do the same.

however today, i don’t know... i’m probably just a little stressed... i have SOOO much to do... and so many people depending on me right now... between work, church, outside ministries, bible studies, extra rehearsals for three different choirs, and performances for them, i don’t know exactly how to handle them all... but i would gladly exhaust myself with all these things, however, i seem to keep forgetting one very important thing... i’m still in school! i still have classes and homework and lab and exams (one tomorrow in fact), and i’m so behind on all of it. how do i catch up? can i catch up? i can’t afford to fail another class... it’s shameful how i can be so excellent in so many things (not my words) and just be horrible in school... (i have theories about that one that i’ll explain later though)

oh well... i just have to really buckle down and pray that God will help me get through it all... and i mean ALL of it... and it’s a lot too...

oh well, back to seminary research... and then twenty other things...

i know

2004-11-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

i know that his is not going to be easy... what happened to me though? last week i was so excited! i guess i just didn't expect it to be so hard right off the bat... oh well, it doesn't matter that i'm taking incredible risk to do this thing... i was called... for once God made something perfectly clear, so that's it... i have to do it... i'm going to do it... whether i see a way yet or not.

p.s. lately i've been freaking out just saying the word... 'seminary'... yikes! what's that about?

what have i claimed?

2004-11-10T13:37:00.000-05:00

so i want to go to seminary for music... but it's sooooo hard... it's not like i can go to the career development center at my school and say, 'hey! i want to go to seminary. what can you tell me about it?'

i mean i could if i wanted to, but since the answer to my question would surely be, 'nothing' *followed by a blank stare * , it would just be a waste of time... i mean, i could be researching on my own... or eating popcorn *not that that would help, but it might make me feel better about this.

not that i feel bad... i really want this... it's just so overwhelming... i mean, i was called to this thing, and i want what God wants but... o my gosh!

do you have any idea how many denominations there are! there are like 17 different types of baptists... free baptist, independant baptist, reformed baptist, unspecified baptist *ha! * ... it's CRAZY! so i have to research doctrine now...

and the academic requirements! i don't know... most only require a 2.5... but i don't know if i'll have that... my whole undergraduate career has been me failing in every major that i've chosen... finally teaching me that my calling is not to science, no matter how much i try... but it's to music... but i can't fit that sentence on the little line for GPA on the application. what to do?
THEN... it's hard enough to find a seminary that offers music... and the type of music that i'll want to learn... and that doesn't require previous music... seminary really is like grad school... i just don't see it...

every time i start to research, i get so nervous; literally shaking... like 'what if it doesn't work out? how is this gonna work out? i can't find a place for me- what am i gonna do?' right now, i can't see any other option for me... there's nothing else that i want to do... oh yeah... and i was called. how 'bout that...oh well... i know a way will be made.