too often i feel like i can get away with skating along on His grace. I forget to pray one day and forget to study the next, but to me, it’s okay because He loves me and will continue to sustain me. and even as i continue to forget my responsibility to and desire for communion with Him, i continue to feed myself the lie that everything will still be alright. and as things begin to fall to pieces, and the basic needs that i expect Him to provide fall further and further from my reach, i foolishly, in denial, call it a trial, that my God, will surely deliver me from. then things get so hard i dread for the next day to come. but it still does and in my "righteousness" i call it grace, even though its harder and harder to shield my face from my shame, and from the pain that grows ever greater with each gracious day. meanwhile i have bills to pay, tasks to take care of and hunger to feed, but no money, focus, or meat. things that were great before suddenly just won’t work out the same. visions that were God-breathed suddenly grow asthmatic as the flow of blessings is constricted by my strife. and while the attack continues, i call myself holy for having faith enough to get through the trial, knowing full well that that’s all bile, for i know the source of this famine and it’s not a test. i daily fail to dedicate my time to Him and His Word and stubbornly and wantonly call myself blessed. mistakenly, and maybe with a human righteousness, the consequences of my fault are turned to the trial of the consecrated, and that’s not right. i let myself fade and suffer and hang on to the grace that won’t let me die until it’s stretched like taffy, all the while hoping and hoping that by my pulling each day that i fail in my duties, it doesn’t stretch the lifeline too thin that it will snap. i know that every night and morning and all in between, i need to call out to God for restoration. it won’t come by wishing but only by contrition and repentance and prayer. i chose to walk in my foolishness and the effects are real, but if i’m right with God, there’s nothing he won’t heal under His sun.

how do you not worry?

so after all this, i'm finally doing well in school... but i might have to drop out...

i can't pay for it... and financial aid is really not trying to give me any money...

i have 75 cents... i have 1 cup of noodles and a can of soup... and the end slices to a loaf of bread... i also have a can of tuna fish, some peanut butter and a little jelly left... if i only eat 1 meal twice a day, then that can last me 3 days... and you can live 3 days without eating at all so at least i'll see another week...

maybe if anybody actually remembered my birthday (you excluded, chi- thanx for the very early b-day song)... and if anyone had time to celebrate it, i would have some leftover party food to last some time...

i however, am working til the wee hourse of the night so i prolly won't even remember it myself...

oh well... if i starve to death by next week, i won't have to worry about tuition...

i have so much work to do... i require books for this work... but i don't have money to buy those books... how's that one gonna work out?

and why did the cable guy try to chat me up the other day... i mean... he was NOT TRYIN' TO LEAVE!!! i'm afraid he might start stalkin me... and i'm sure he's like 35... geesh!

i try to stay encouraged but it's not easy... i try to not worry, but that's getting harder and harder to do without becoming complacent...

well... life could be harder... *God, please don't make it harder*