job searching can be such a pain... especially when you haven't quite graduated, and the fields that you're interested in have nothing to do with what you actually have experience in...

what can i do tho? i need money...

what really upsets me is how my mom is "helping" me with this... i've told her already that i wanted to go to seminary... and she seemed okay with it. however, in my job searching, she's completely ignoring what i told her my dreams were... she thinks she knows best, and doesn't hear any validity in anything that's outside of her sphere of thought...

"so and so has an excellent job in the medical field... you're a bio major..."
*i hate bio*
"you could teach in schools... they have excellent benefits"
*i'm a terrible teacher, when it's not one-on-one*
"forget about temping... you need a permanent career"
*ummm... i'm planning to go to school soon...*
"a job that you can spend the rest of your life doing... maybe at a hospital or something..."
*i hate bio*

and it goes on and on... we have completely different goals in mind, and while she is actually trying to help me, she's not... her idea of helping is making everybody do what she wants... and she just can't get it through her head that she doesn't know it all...

i mean, i know i don't either... but i don't just completely ignore other folks' point of view or goals when i try to help them...

what to do? sigh...

appreciating the present

kiki and i went dollar store shopping for everyone on wednesday... i tried to tell her, "before you hit up the malls and name brand stores... see what dollar tree has for you"

don't sleep on dollar stores... they sometimes have surprisingly good stuff... and it's only a dollar!

i'm so glad i was able to put together fairly inexpensive, but nice gifts for my family... i hope they like them... i can honestly say, i'm looking forward to giving gifts more than receiving... nobody's actually asked me what i wanted, so i'm not sure i'm even getting anything... but thas okay... i've never needed much... or asked for much... i just wanna make folks happy

merry Christmas eve, y'all!

Christmas time is here

Christmas has this amazing way of creeping up so fast. i still need to go shopping. the ever present dilemma is that each year i find myself with less and less money and more and more people to buy for. this becomes an excellent exercise in creativity, because not only do i have to come up with gifts for like 1000 people (which i am notoriously bad at), but i have to find a way to fund all of them. this usually ends up meaning getting expensive looking gifts from various dollar stores (i’m so addicted to dollar stores), re-gifting (don’t judge me, cuz you know you do it too), and sometimes making gifts or giving gifts that shouldn’t be gifts but have to become gifts because i’m broke and everyone knows it... stuff like peanuts... stick a bow on a bag of peanuts and there’s a christmas gift for my grandparents.

when did Christmas become all about the gifts anyway?... i think we could all learn a little something from ‘the grinch that stole Christmas’... except i want my gifts tho...

anyways... i’ve been skipping church for the past couple months... i’m not sure why... i think in my search for my sincerity i needed to separate myself from ‘church’... unfortunately i separated myself from God in the process as well... but His love is still there... thank goodness.

my pastor left our church 1 year ago, and since then we’ve had an interim... he resigned because of ‘dissention’ about a month ago so i’m a little distressed... but what can you do? i went yesterday tho cuz i had to dance... we had a guest preacher who was AWESOME! i’m beginning to think about virginia union for seminary as well... that's where he went... i was hoping to talk to him about it, but i didn’t get the chance... oh well... God lead me... that's the most important thing.

Christmas has this amazing way of creeping up so fast. i still need to go shopping. the ever present dilemma is that each year i find myself with less and less money and more and more people to buy for. this becomes an excellent exercise in creativity, because not only do i have to come up with gifts for like 1000 people (which i am notoriously bad at), but i have to find a way to fund all of them. this usually ends up meaning getting expensive looking gifts from various dollar stores (i’m so addicted to dollar stores), re-gifting (don’t judge me, cuz you know you do it too), and sometimes making gifts or giving gifts that shouldn’t be gifts but have to become gifts because i’m broke and everyone knows it... stuff like peanuts... stick a bow on a bag of peanuts and there’s a christmas gift for my grandparents.

when did Christmas become all about the gifts anyway?... i think we could all learn a little something from ‘the grinch that stole Christmas’... except i want my gifts tho...

anyways... i’ve been skipping church for the past couple months... i’m not sure why... i think in my search for my sincerity i needed to separate myself from ‘church’... unfortunately i separated myself from God in the process as well... but His love is still there... thank goodness.

my pastor left our church 1 year ago, and since then we’ve had an interim... he resigned because of ‘dissention’ about a month ago so i’m a little distressed... but what can you do? i went yesterday tho cuz i had to dance... we had a guest preacher who was AWESOME! i’m beginning to think about virginia union for seminary as well... that's where he went... i was hoping to talk to him about it, but i didn’t get the chance... oh well... God lead me... that's the most important thing.

convo

me: what’s a docent?

t: ?

t: www.m-w.com will tell u

me: ohhhhhhhhhh... that’s what a docent is... what a stupid name for it...

t: do tell

t: or paste the definition

me: it’s a type of little yellow bird......

me: that eats hair.......

me: and small children......

me: just nibbles away at em......

t: shut up

me: researchers have theorized that they’re the true cause of male pattern baldness

me: you better watch out for them docents...

t: a person who leads guided tours especially through a museum or art gallery

t: u r a riot

me: so i’ve been told......

me: by you......

me: just now

t: or a professor

me: yeah, like i said... a docent is a tour guide, professor, or small carnivorous, hair-eating yellow bird

me: it’s all pretty much the same thing

what happens when passion wanes?

what happens when your passion wanes?

i keep wondering... am i really ready for seminary? i have this pedestal view of seminary students... one where all i can really see is the tips of the bottoms of their shoes and the contents of their noses... not that i expect them to be stuck up, but i automatically expect them to be perfect... so when i think about how i’ll soon be one of them, it frightens me... because i’m not perfect... because i’m so helplessly flawed.....

then i remember... we’re all people... nobody’s perfect... not even them... pastors aren’t perfect... we expect them to be, which is why we die when we hear one of em cursin in the parkin lot or talkin bout baby mama drama... whatever... nobody’s really right...

shoot... i’ve had a bible study with my friends (one of whom was goin to seminary as well) that was so insanely enlightening and spirit-filling... and once it was over and all the ‘geeks’ left, they pulled out the liquor... (they made me kool-aid since i don’t drink)... and i remember thinking, ‘is this okay?’

but why not? none of us were underage and drinking isn’t sin... it’s just that it doesn’t fit into my image of a seminary student... you know... one who reads the bible all day and never drinks or eats anything fattening... they wear preppy sweaters and collar shirts (that’s the style now, though), but they wear them with long skirts or corduroy slacks... they never curse, never think wayward thoughts, never wanna be outside of God’s presence...

what then? i curse... i think plenty wayward thoughts... sometimes i straight up avoid praying cuz i’m tryin to watch family guy on cartoon network! am i ready? am i ready? am i ready?

but seminary is not the destination... heaven is... nobody’s perfect... not even there... so i don’t have to be...

explain to me what sincerity is...

i’m supposed to be participating in this week long fast and prayer thing... problem is, i’ve been really fakin on my spiritual exercises... i’ve been praying, but only in the car and stuff... not the most sincere prayers... and i haven’t set aside quiet time for me and God in a long long time... i convince myself that that doesn’t make me less worthy to pray... it doesn’t make my prayers worth less to God... and He always finds a way to snap me out of that habit anyway...

the other night when it was snowing, i was craving junk food so badly that i went to the store in the snow, even though i had very little gas in my car and even though my windshield was completely obstructed by snow and i don’t have a windshield wiper on the back (what’s that about?) and even though my tires are bald...

so i went to the store and there were GREAT sales on junk food... cookies, chips, crackers... all sorts of stuff... so i mulled over how much i wanted to spend and what was the best value and what i was most likely to enjoy, but least likely to finish in one sitting... i finally settled on a $2 box of cheezits...

so i left the store to find that it was only drizzling slightly... while i was cleaning off the snow from my windshield, this guy started approaching me... i wasn’t worried though... despite the many many years of my mother’s conditioning to teach me that i should be afraid of everyone at all times... even in the day time... even if i’ve known them for years...


anyway, he goes, ‘ma’am! ma’am! can i help you with that?’

i said, ‘no’ cuz i really didn’t need help...

he asks again... ‘the reason i ask is because i’m trying to pick up any little bit of cash that i can... i went to the shelter and they were out of room and food, so i just wanted to get some coffee...’

i still didn’t need help though, so i said, ‘i don’t need help... i got this..... but i’ll still give you a dollar when i’m done...’ i didn’t have much change after i’d left the store... i asked if he wanted some bread cuz the rest of what i had was frozen...

he said, ‘any little bit helps’...

as i went to get the dollar out of my car, i saw the box of cheez its that i’d been craving... i figured those would keep better than bread so i gave those to him... he said, ‘thanx and God bless you...’

i said, ‘God bless you as well...;


i could’ve felt pretty satisfied with myself, but i didn’t... i felt stupid... i felt like i wish i could’ve given more... something more useful, like a home, a job, a hot cooked meal, something more important than... cheezits... but it was all i had...

i also thought about all the other times homeless people had approached me and i only gave spare change so they would leave me alone... or i ignored them completely... what made me so giving tonight? would i do the same thing tomorrow?

what all that did remind me of was how much i had to appreciate... and i prayed a sincere prayer of thanx to God... there but for the grace of God go i...

when will they ever learn?

when will they ever learn that the way to get out of class early is to keep your mouth shut...

i have a class that’s basically discussion based... we read stuff... go to class and... well... talk...

it lasts for 2 and a half hours until about 10pm... or whenever we’ve said all that needs saying...

so today, we talked until about 9 pm and i just knew that we’d be getting out early... but NOOOOO... here come the questions...

so when’s our next assignment due?

what’s it supposed to be about?

how long should it be?

okay so for my essay i should write about what?

so we should turn it in how?

and the essay is about.....?

and 40 minutes later, we were dismissed... oh well... i’m gettin an A, so i guess i can deal...