just to get by...

so my man is performing at my school tomorrow... and i won’t be there...

i won’t be ‘waitin for the dj to let your body rock’ cuz i’ll be doing something else...

‘WHAT ON EARTH would you be doing besides going to support your LOVE, talib kweli?’ you might ask...

studying, working, praying for mercy... maybe going home to see my momma who had surgery last thursday... we’ll see...

i’ve been missing out on a lot lately... i guess i’m just used to it by now...


so i’m thinking about skipping gospel choir rehearsal today... i skipped the last one too... i’ve realized that when i’m upset, it really really affects others...

apparently i put them in dark places...

i don’t want to do that... i don’t think it’s fair for other people to become miserable just because i am... and so i put on my happy mask and laugh and smile a lot (which usually isn’t hard for me)... despite the fact that i feel like if i had a gun and a bullet...... well... let’s leave it at that...

usually that works for the most part... some folks can still tell something is wrong, but at least i don’t send them to their unhappy zone to be miserable with me... but since i’ve become more emotional (why? must be the hormones they put in everything)... it’s become harder and harder to find the mask and then keep it on... so i think it’s easier just to avoid people period...


anyways... animal lab was interesting last week... we spent most of the time sitting around and chillin’... my lab partner and i had some pretty interesting conversations... over fresh warm cups of urine... no, that’s not a typo... we spent the whole time pissing in cups and bringing it back to lab... imagine:

‘wow... really? you’re from where? and you speak how many languages? oh yeah, that school is excellent, but really slow? wow... i live right around the corner from... oh wait... i gotta go pee!’

crazy.

welcome back...

wow... i really disappeared... not to be productive tho... quick update...

got over mil... it was quick and sudden and painless... and lasting... ahhhh freedom...

lost my credit card in church... was informed that it was picked up by one of the deacons...

lost my purse... found it after missing a probably really fun excursion because i didn’t have my purse...

found my purse...

still haven’t retrieved my credit card...

raised $150 for a trip this summer...

lost the $150...

wrote a song whose lyrics i will not share with you because it consists entirely of curse words...

went 3 days without sleeping so’s i could get work done...

went 3 days just sleeping... getting no work done...

apparently you need to APPLY to graduate... hmmm...

i didn’t really write that song, but i’m seriously considering...

i’m currently begging God for mercy... whatever He chooses is cool with me... but God, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!

so i've come to the conclusion that something is actually really wrong with me... i've realized that i'm one of those people that's just so insanely brilliant at everything artistic, but is so ignorant with everything else that i might actually suddenly forget how to blink and breathe at the same time...

i've been wondering if God made me like this for a reason, or if there's a way to change... but in the mean time... i just need some help.

make it better...

Jesus! i’m in pain... i mean... really REALLY... this is so retarded... that i have to feel this way, i mean.

i feel sick... sick with longing... sick with repentance... sick with fear that the repentance won’t be realized... sick with worry of the consequences of my sin... sick with shame that i can’t trust God enough to lead me on the best path... well no... that’s not exactly it... it’s more like..... i know God can and will... but i feel... well... like poo poo.

i mean, geez! if he calls me cute one more time! but i know he doesn’t mean it that way...

i didn’t want to erase his last message on my phone, cuz since business is over, he has no other reason to call me and i'm afraid i won't hear his voice anymore... but God said to do it, so i did...

i don’t want to delete his emails cuz i know he has no other reason to contact me and i'm afraid i won't hear from him again... but God said to do it..... i deleted most of them... i’m still working on the rest...

it feels so so dumb to be so pressed over someone that isn’t pressed over me... i don’t like this feeling... i want it to go away- more than i want him to like me, cuz of course, i still want to do the right thing...

God be my strength...

i know what i keep saying... but.....

me and my girl, kin, went out to the hang out spot (the giant) last night... i helped her remove her braids and we ended up going out for some caffeine afterwards...

while i was in her car, she caught me... she knew something was wrong... she made me tell her by skillfully dodging all of my skillfully honed avoidance techniques...

‘what’s wrong?’
‘nothing’
‘no... what’s wrong?’
‘what isn’t wrong?’
‘no... that’s not gonna work either... what’s wrong?’
‘there’s just so much... i don’t know where to start’
‘just pick something... what’s wrong?’

and i told her... everything... academic, financial, spiritual... and she told me everything too... but after all that i go... ‘and girl... i have this crush... and it’s the first time in life that it refuses to go away! and i hate it!’ i asked, ‘guess who it is...’

she paused a second and suddenly begins snapping her fingers and screaming, ‘oh! oh! oh! i know! what’s his name?! oh! ...the piano!’

i was like, dag! how’d she know? Lord, Jesus...

she said she knew from the first rehearsal... me and mil were there first and she walked in and goes, ‘are y’all related?’

i remember that too, cuz in my mind i was going, ‘WHAT?! NAWWWWWW! RELATED?! NAWWWW? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? NAW WE AIN’T NO RELATED!! PLEASE!!! REALLY? YOU THINK WE’RE RELATED? WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU THINK WE WERE RELATED?! WHY?! WHA... W... BUT... I’M SAYIN THO... RELATED? NAWWWWWW!!!’

and i guess it showed on my face cuz she said she noticed something about how i responded, ‘no’...

in my mind i know that this crush is dumb because i don’t even know him all that well... in my soul i know what God requires... but in my heart i choose to imagine that if i like him enough, it’s a sign that he’s right for me... but that’s so stupid! i mean really, what the heck happened to me? i’m usually so not a slave to emotions... not romantic ones anyway... what is the world coming to?

anyway... i know what God has for me is for me and that i need not compromise for anything or anyone... hopefully being separated from him will return me back to my normal state of mind... may i never revisit this place again... amen.

love... somebody please explain...

i hope this isn’t turning into a chi is to m-butter as justme is to .....

remember, chi, when we were on the phone the other day and you kept were talking about m-butter and your situation, and i was all like, ‘yeah, gurl... i know...’ --- i wasn’t being polite... i KNOW!

and it really sucks too...

see, according to my principles and standards... I DON’T WANT HIM... not at all...

but according to something else (what- i don’t know)... i still do... what’s wrong with me? it’s not fair! i've NEVER in life been seriously pressed over a boy... and now i really don’t even think he likes me, but i don’t care! and i have to catch myself because i keep finding myself cutting my eyes at females that he’s paying more attention to than me... even my friends! (they were all my friends, actually)..... and plus, i keep trying to rationalize:

-his principles can change (that’s true tho)......
-that girl he’s talking to... that’s new... he can let that go (that’s true too)
-i can make him love me... (ha! definitely not true)

so i need to stop kidding myself

now, of course i ask God all the time to give me some true unquestionable ‘yes’ or ‘no’ concerning this man, and i suppose He’s given me enough with the principles thing, but obviously i still need more... i wish he would just tell me he... kicked babies or something...

i think God’s trying to test my standards... my dedication to myself verses my dedication to God... i have to really really struggle to keep my mind off of him and on Christ and what He wants of me... but i trust that God still honors the struggle...

1007 lab reports in 4 days... i can do that...

‘can i speak to you for a minute?’, my t.a. asks during lab...

O MY GOD!!! i start thinking... hmm... what could it be about? could it be... the weather... it’s been pretty crazy lately... oh no... maybe it’s about that movie, ‘diary of a mad Black woman’... i hear it’s pretty good... could be... nope nope... it’s probably about how it’s 2 months into the semester and i haven’t turned in ONE lab report... no, not one...

i surreptitiously caught a glance of his grade sheet for me... it looked so neat... you know... because of the unbroken line of zeroes traversing down the page...

the instructor was like, ‘we need to fail you... we can’t give you a grade if you don’t turn anything in...’

but the t.a. goes (may God pour out blessings on him) , ‘but she’s been to every single lab, and she always does the work and she always does what she’s supposed to do while she’s in lab’... and his eyes got big in expectation...

so the instructor in his great mercy goes, ‘okay... turn in EVERYTHING you owe the t.a.... by monday... and i won’t fail you...’

PRAISE GOD! cuz even tho i’ma be bustin’ my back this weekend, i don’t deserve the opportunity to even do that... the only remaining issue is...

WHAT THE !@#$ IS MY PROBLEM?! who goes to every class... does all the work... and yes i did all the calculations and everything... but doesn’t turn anything in... it’s like i’m trying to sabotage myself! Lord, help me.....